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IDK.... doesn't sound good. I prefer that someone doesn't get in my face and scream hurtful things. I get that people get heated and I'm not going to say that I've never blown my top, but I think you probably need to think about some marriage counseling. I don't normally say that, but if you want to see if you can even salvage this and if it's even worth saving.
Your husband sounds like he's got some issues. A man shouldn't ever say some of the things he said to you. I'm not saying this to try and give you sympathy I'm saying it objectively.
A man that is emotionally and mentally mature shouldn't bring in things like all his friends told him not to marry you, things of that nature, A grown mature man should work on keeping things focused just on the issues at hand and not be so hurtful.
Again, I get that people get heated and that some people unfortunately go right for the jugular when angry.
You have some decisions you need to make. Try and have the courage to make the decisions not based on fear but on what is right. Leaving someone can trigger all kinds of issues and sometimes people just stay in unhealthy places out of fear. Have some courage and do some introspection.
He thinks you'll never get an issue sorted out "until the next fight", if you don't deal with it in the heat of the moment? He's wrong. But what concerns me is that he seems to live from fight to fight. This is a guy who has an innate need to create drama everywhere he goes, including at work. It sounds like someone at work figured that out and decided he was too disruptive to have around.
It sounds like he's the dysfunctional one. This doesn't bode well for the future. For now, make a rule that you won't discuss/argue while he's under the influence of alcohol. That is not at all constructive. If there are major issues, they need to be approached when you're both calm. There's no reason why they couldn't be. Leave the room if he gets abusive. If he follows you, tell him you're leaving the house until he cools off. Then do it.
You're not responsible for the fact that he makes poor behavioral choices at work that get him fired. Your job isn't to rescue him from himself. You're not his mom. He should get himself into therapy to address the fact that he can't hold down a job and seems to have a need to provoke arguments at work and at home.
Too bad he spent all that time and money getting a good education/training for a job, only to sabotage himself. Face it, OP: you married a guy wired to chronically shoot himself in the foot. Sorry to break the bad news to you. Over time, someone like that will drag both of you down. There's no guarantee that he won't sabotage his own business in some way, sooner or later.
It's all food for thought. I don't think you can rescue this guy. If you insist on staying until his business gets off the ground, give yourself a time limit, or it could drag on forever. Do NOT take out loans to help him. Don't get in any deeper than you already are. If he won't go to any kind of counseling, couples or individual, consider getting a few sessions yourself, to sort out your options and get a better perspective over the whole thing. Good luck, make the best of the New Year.
Last edited by Ruth4Truth; 01-01-2015 at 12:40 PM..
no one should yell at someone for 5 hours. telling your supervisor his inadequacies sounds like he doesn't know how to be in work environment. it is not something you do no matter what the field. he sounds like a hot head. if he doesn't want to get his anger under control you have not a lot of chance.
no one should yell at someone for 5 hours. telling your supervisor his inadequacies sounds like he doesn't know how to be in work environment. it is not something you do no matter what the field. he sounds like a hot head. if he doesn't want to get his anger under control you have not a lot of chance.
I missed the fact that it lasted 5 hours. And OP, you say this happens every couple of months? How can yelling last 5 hours, especially when you're not engaging? Does he just stand there and yell non-stop for 5 hours? Doesn't he get hoarse? I've never heard of 5-hr. fights. It seems like it's not physically possible. I'd have to leave after about an hour of it, to go take a nap and re-charge. Why do you put up with 5 hours of that? It's hard to get my mind around. Perhaps you could explain a little.
The prevailing opinion on this Forum, and indeed almost a consensus, is that troubled relationships are best ended.
The rationale for such advice is evidently:
1. "Life is too short" for substandard, noxious or unfulfilling relationships.
2. There are better alternatives; a more congenial, more respectful and more stable partner isn't hard to find.
3. It's better to be alone than to be saddled with an uncooperative and belligerent partner. We work hard in the office, and the least thing that we need to abide is conflict at home.
4. Verbal tirades are harbingers of worse things to come.
5. Persons with emotional pathologies can rarely be reformed, and become only more obdurate and ungovernable with age.
6. It's better to eject now, while the two partners aren't so deeply emotionally intertwined, and haven't yet devoted a lifetime to melding together.
Personally I only agree with the sixth point above, which is to say that if a marriage is going to end, it's better to end it before becoming yet deeper involved, and while still comparatively young.
But I dissent from the prevailing view. People are ornery and complicated creatures. The most venomously hateful things are often uttered for rhetorical ploy or to assuage personal insecurities. I personally would outright prefer a partner with explosive and bellicose temper, than a simmering low-level discord, because the most violent storm blows over the fastest.
We can't say from the available evidence whether this marriage can be saved. But my sincere recommendation is to try. Is this projection? Is it anodyne sentimentalism? Maybe. But then, there's this:
Quote:
Originally Posted by mjohnson4381
I don't want to kick him while he's down.
The OP cares about her husband. She cares about the relationship. She cares enough to explore how might it be possible to persevere, to reach rapport. Such efforts ought, I think, to be supported.
But I dissent from the prevailing view. People are ornery and complicated creatures. The most venomously hateful things are often uttered for rhetorical ploy or to assuage personal insecurities. I personally would outright prefer a partner with explosive and bellicose temper, than a simmering low-level discord, because the most violent storm blows over the fastest.
I hope you realize those aren't the only choices available. There are rational, even-keeled people with decent communication skills out there. It's sad to think there may be people out there who think the bolded are their only choices.
Last edited by Ruth4Truth; 01-01-2015 at 02:19 PM..
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Sorry to break the bad news to you. Over time, someone like that will drag both of you down. There's no guarantee that he won't sabotage his own business in some way, sooner or later. 
