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I recently started dating a really great guy, after several years of being single. He has been single for awhile too, so we are taking things slow and just enjoying getting to know each other. We seem to be on the same page about the important things, but enough different ideas and opinions to keep things interesting.
There is one thing that nags at me just a bit. I know there is a certain amount of what I call "gentle teasing" as people get to know each other, sort of poking a little bit of fun at each other. I don't mind this as long as it stays gentle and kind, but I have seen this go into unkind territory before with some couples and other men I have known. The last guy I dated seriously, his main form of humor was mocking other people (including me) and while it wasn't always mean it sometimes was and he didn't understand if my feelings were hurt. It also turns out he was a deeply insecure person.
Anyway, I mentioned a few weeks ago that I didn't really care for that type of teasing, for the reasons given above. He says he understood and he would watch it, but he also considers it "playful banter." I don't necessarily disagree with this, but I would rather avoid it than feel hurt and have to explain it, or feel like I have to swallow my feelings. As I've said, he hasn't been unkind at all and I've only mentioned it the one time. So whenever it begins I'll just laugh it off a bit and change the subject to something else, or I don't reciprocate with the banter very much.
Now, I know that "guy humor" often revolves around ragging on your guy friends and roundly mocking each other. But I'm not a guy, and I don't want to be treated like a guy, bro, buddy, whatever.
Any advice on making myself a little clearer without coming off wrong?
(I know there will be a certain contingent who will claim that I need to get the stick out of my butt. Noted.)
I just don't want it to become a problem. I want to be in a relationship where we treat each other with kindness and respect.
Ever heard the term 'borrowing trouble"? You say your guy hasn't done anything wrong.....but you've already put him on warning that he has to watch everything he says to you.
I agree that relationships need to have kindness and respect but if you can't get over a past idiot...then all you are going to be doing is waiting for the new guy to fail and making sure you find a way to be offended in some manner.
Ever heard the term 'borrowing trouble"? You say your guy hasn't done anything wrong.....but you've already put him on warning that he has to watch everything he says to you.
I agree that relationships need to have kindness and respect but if you can't get over a past idiot...then all you are going to be doing is waiting for the new guy to fail and making sure you find a way to be offended in some manner.
I hardly think mentioning a preference early on in a relationship is putting someone on warning. Geez. Discussing preferences, concerns, desires, etc. are things that happen in mature relationships, rather than expecting the other person to read their mind.
I hardly think mentioning a preference early on in a relationship is putting someone on warning. Geez. Discussing preferences, concerns, desires, etc. are things that happen in mature relationships, rather than expecting the other person to read their mind.
Talking to your SO is one thing....warning him is another... you continuing to think about this enough you bring it up here...to complain about 'guy humour' .. you are letting everyone know he's on notice not to tease you at all because you are not yet over the past abuse (and yes...I do consider extreme mean spirited teasing to be emotional abuse)...so you are expecting him to repeat the pattern. You are setting him and the relationship up for failure because you are looking to take offense.
So yeah...telling him he has to avoid even 'playful banter' ...especially when you've said he's done nothing wrong....so he doesn't offend you is an issue. Work on overcoming your past rather then expecting your future relationships to tip toe around you.
The red flag I see here is yours....not from a guy that hasn't done anything.
I just don't want it to become a problem. I want to be in a relationship where we treat each other with kindness and respect.
So far, you are...right? Don't project something onto him that doesn't exist anywhere but in your own mind. It's a sure road to Splitsville.
Enjoy what you have and evaluate him based on your interactions with him, not other people.
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