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I think moving in together is a disaster waiting to happen. Your girlfriend is being far too pushy about it and you would be wise to sit her down and tell her straight up that it's not the right time. Stop looking at apartments. You are both very young and coupled with some PTSD , I don't think either of you are psychologically ready for such a big commitment. This is one time where you will have to lay the law down unfortunately.
First of all Thank You for serving our country and giving your life to defend our freedom. It takes a special person to volunteer to give of yourself so freely for the rights we have. I admire and respect you for your service.
I have to agree with the majority of posters. Moving in together is only going to add to your stress levels.
You've already admitted that you're trying to deal with the mental and physical trauma of Afghanistan. You are very intelligent in realizing you need help. You've already given up X number of years in selfless service to our country. Now it's time to make YOUR life and the health of you physically and mentally the best you can. You need to be your priority. You have to do this for your future wellness.
I understand that being in love is wonderful. A year in a relationship isn't that long. Now is the time to stand up for yourself and not try to please someone else. I'm a people pleaser and it turns you into a doormat. She can't fix you with her love.
As other posters said, get yourself help. Find support groups for people who served like you did and are getting help. They are the ones walking in your shoes and know best how to help you. Take advantage of whatever the VA has to offer you.
Losing a 1 year relationship emotionally is nothing compared to what you're dealing with right now.
You already know what you should do for yourself. Maybe you just needed a little encouragement or confirmation that you know what's best for you.
Stay strong and don't let her talk you into moving in together. If she chooses to break up, the you have 100% time to dedicate to do what you need to do.
I thank you again and wish you strength and a happy life.
Last edited by cam1957; 03-08-2015 at 08:50 AM..
Reason: spelling
You're dealing with some significant issues OP and I don't blame you for not wanting to move in with her right now.
Her response to your concerns is a red flag. (we will deal with the issues together) It's a bit of forced teaming and suggests that she's controlling, which will only get worse if you move in together.
Are you concerned about her reaction other than feeling rejected? I only ask because you're ignoring your own concerns and looking at apartments out of fear. (it's trying to please her, yes, but usually when people put their own needs aside, it's because we fear someone's reaction)
While it will be difficult for you, be firm in your concerns, ask her to wait another year and if she can't respect that, then she's not someone you want to build a life with anyway.
Good luck with all of this and hope your recovery goes well.
Listen to your instincts. YOU are not ready to move in, and you know it. It's not a reflection of your love for her, and if she tries to say that it is, then you know HER motives are not true.
She may be wanting to play house. Who knows? Just stand your ground.
Listen to your instincts. YOU are not ready to move in, and you know it. It's not a reflection of your love for her, and if she tries to say that it is, then you know HER motives are not true.
She may be wanting to play house. Who knows? Just stand your ground.
My thoughts exactly.
IMO, if there is such a sense of urgency, or pushing to move in together, it is definitely not the right thing to do. Please listen to your gut, it is trying to tell you things that shouldn't be ignored.
I think moving in together is a disaster waiting to happen. Your girlfriend is being far too pushy about it and you would be wise to sit her down and tell her straight up that it's not the right time. Stop looking at apartments. You are both very young and coupled with some PTSD , I don't think either of you are psychologically ready for such a big commitment. This is one time where you will have to lay the law down unfortunately.
^^^this^^^ BUT... if contrary to the advice given you still want to move in together, then at least be prepared for the worst.
1) Make sure you are the one with your name on the lease and all the bills.
2) Additionally, make it clear what is yours and what is hers and keep your finances separate.
By doing those things you will be protecting yourself; in a breakup situation you will not be homeless nor have to move out, nor be at risk for having to give up a lot of your stuff.
I only recommend those things having been in challenging situations after relationship breakups where we lived together and I had to move out. I've finally learned my lesson and just want to pass on these lessons learned.
She needs develop her own sense of self. Has she completed college or furthered her education?
You need some personal space. You need opportunity to get yourself where you want to be mentally & physically.
I would tell her you'd just soon have her in your life a year from now. And if you move in together now before you are in balance, you most likely will not make it as couple.
Moving in together is a huge deal. It can end very badly, and if you decide its not working out, its very stressful splitting up. If you are not ready, don't do it. If she really loves you she will wait until you are ready.
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