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I really could use some opinions other than my own. Broke up with my BF of 2.5 yrs. Him=alcoholic, me=co-dependent enabler. Us both 54. Things we have in common, maybe 15 out of 100, good things we have in common, maybe 5.
Truth be told, we just do not work as a couple, I am truly not sure I work with anyone as a couple but I hate to be alone. I thought maybe this time, I would be different at handling an alcoholic relationship but I am not. He finally is able to help me financially and now I don't care. So last night it all came to a head and we or I or the universe finally decided we should not be a couple. He wants to stay friends, I do too but am not sure how that will work out .
My dilemma is this, I have funds for a few more months of living in Colorado, jobs have not worked out the way I envisioned even though the unemployment rate here is far better than where I was, sadly wages with or without a college degree do not seem to be enough for one frugal person to support themselves in Denver and I have not really made any friends since BF and I spent most of our free time together. I can take my funds and move back to Cali for an undetermined amount of time and live with family in an area with worse economy but would be pretty much free rent and try to get on my feet, or I can stay here and have one friend who is my ex and try to get on my feet with having to pay rent on my own. Both of them have their problems, any wisdom out there?
I have had to start my life over three times in the last ten years, if that makes a difference.
You said... "I thought maybe this time, I would be different at handling an alcoholic relationship but I am not."
It is good that you recognize this. The best way to handle an alcoholic relationship is not at all. Unless, the alcoholic is in recovery and making every effort possible to stay sober. This means putting his or her sobriety first before any relationships and other things, because if he doesn't nothing else matters.
That said, I would think that it would be very difficult going from a romantic to a friends relationship while living under the same roof. I am not saying it cannot be done as long as you stay focused on taking care of yourself and making you the number one priority, rather than that of the couple relationship and putting his needs before your own. Alcoholics do a lot of game playing and are selfish. We use manipulation as a way to get our way. You may want to attend an Al-Anon meeting or a few and/or do some research about it. It would be extremely helpful for you while staying in the same residence as him. This would not be for the purpose of helping him or saving your relationship, rather it would help you understand why you have had the need to get involved and put up with alcoholics. It would give you control back over your life.
I think whether or not you stay or move is up to you and no one can really advise you what to do. Certainly your move is going to have things about it which leave you confused and moving and changing our lives especially at our age is not a lot of fun. You have to weigh the good with the bad and depending on your situation with this bf, determine if the positive reasons for moving outweigh the negative. I cannot imagine living with someone who is really an alcoholic, and especially one you were romantically involved with, can be much fun either. BTW, has he admitted he is an alcoholic or did you? Because he is the only one who can make that conclusion. Regardless of whether he has done so, as long as he drinks any amount at all, and the frequency he drinks, if his drinking is causing problems between the two of you, it is an issue worthy of attention.
I feel for you. I am the same age and in the same boat in a way. I am trying to make enough money to get on my own too and have similar fears as you do. Only my boat has alot more holes in it than yours sounds like it does....because of my own drinking, I screwed up my credit (no history of paying rent to a landlord and not much hope of finding one who is willing to lease an aptmt to me and because of that and having a criminal record because of a DUI I got several years ago, and since I have worked for myself since 1998, I don't have a job history to speak of and know I will have trouble finding a job because of that and my damaged past. The best thing I have going for me is my sobriety. So I am trusting in my Higher Power for guidance. I am sharing this with you to let you know that although things seem discouraging for you I am sure, they could be worse.
I wish you the best of luck in making this wise choice to change your life and not stay involved with someone who you feel is an alcoholic and refusing to let him drag you down.
I made up my mind after "alcoholic" and "enabler."
We left California due to house prices and Colorado due to the dismal work prospects. I don't think California is a great idea, but I believe if you continue to live with this man and try to be friends, it'll just be a matter of time before you fall back into your former enabling ways. Good luck to you.
Thanks, I don't live with him, (last sentence in second paragraph) but I do appreciate the responses.
I guess it will depend on if I can get a job, unemployment rate is very low in Colorado 4% but I do not believe it.
The unemployment rate is irrelevant if your skill set is not in demand. We lived in Colorado Springs, where all the jobs seemed to be call center grunt-types working for $10 an hour.
I thought I would provide an update here, it's been a little over three months since I left him. He begged me to stay as friends with him so I did, I finally moved to Cali one month later, he helped me move, we hung out that month, I wasn't completely comfortable with it but it was nice to have someone to hang out with the last month I was there.
We talked often after I moved and I told him if he got his ducks in a row I would reconsider but he might want to just move on if that was better for him, he went into a deeper darker place, got kicked out of his fathers home by his brother, spent over 10 grand (the last of his money) in a month doing ?????. e Hooked up with a very abusive woman ( I got a pocket call voice mail that made me send a security check), flew out the next day, stuck him on a plane to his daughters and she took him a few days later to Rehab (90 day program), he is still there, it has been five days so that too me is a bit impressive, he could walk out any time he wants.
When I finally reached him, he was very receptive to the whole idea, sadly, I had to make a bunch of appointments for him for dentist, doctor, fathers house etc before he would go but we got it all done and missed the plane out, at least we got to spend some time together before we had to leave.
I hope it works out for him, then it might work out for us, it could be that he will decide, (a decision he would hopefully make on his own accord for once), that I am all wrong for him, at least I will know I did all that I could and hopefully saved a life.
It is extremely hard to "save" an alcoholic. The success rate of rehabs is not all that great. An alcoholic really needs to put their sobriety first above other people (including relationships) and other things.
You are setting yourself up, it seems to me, for disappointment by continuing to believe that the two of you may work out. It doesn't even sound like you have been to an Al-Anon meeting. If you are seriously considering being with this man, you should go to these meetings. You said yourself this is not your first relationship with an alcoholic. For your own sake, I hope you take my advice. It seems to me that you are drawn to addicts. Is it possible that you grew up in an alcoholic home and have the need to "fix" someone?
I do wish your friend the best of luck. I hope that he is going to some AA meetings in rehab and that he is serious about his recovery. It sometimes takes some of us several times until we finally reach our "bottom" and are ready to get off the crap which is destroying our relationships and killing us. To get involved with this man before he has reached at least a year of sobriety is extremely risky for you and your sanity and risky for his sobriety.
You just spent a lot of your own money trying to rescue him yet again....he needs to rescue himself. You don't have the funds to keep doing this. Concentrate on your own life - why don't you care enough about yourself to work on your own situation?
BTW, if you have money to send him a security deposit check and fly yourself and him to various locations, just think how that money could have been better spent to get yourself on your feet? I'm always amazed at people who say they are in such dire financial straits but they manage to come up with money at the drop of a hat for stuff like this....
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