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In the USA I eventually came to understand "how are you" as an extension of "Hi". There is no expectation for an answer. It's really annoying and stupid.
I will always answer truthfully and ask how you are doing. It's not a waste of time at all.
-"how are you?"
-"I'm okay, just super busy. how are you?"
Then you actually say how you are doing. If you are good, then say good. If not, answer accordingly.
I hate the 'how are you' question, especially when total strangers take it as an invitation to unload their tales of woe and misery.
Frankly I find it an odd thing to say to someone you are engaged to, since it is generally used with people as a casual, rhetorical greeting.
I agree that it's an insincere salutation, along with 'have a nice day', 'great seeing you', or 'let's do lunch sometime', which I will assume you did not use on your fiancee?
Reminds me of an ex who thanked me for a 'delicious dinner' every day, no matter if it was takeout, something from the microwave, or something I spent hours preparing. Said not out of any genuine appreciation or recognition of my effort, but because he was taught that it was the polite thing to do. I found it very annoying.
Sir, I think you may be completely right. 'twas all much ado about nada. Probably, just a summer fling. She dislikes how I described it as such and she dislikes me saying she dumped me. "We broke up." What does that mean? What's the difference?
You raise some good points I hadn't thought of previously. So how should someone in a committed relationship ask how the other is doing?
You ask them how they are, and if they freak out, you recognize it as the red flag it is.
I understand the point of view that "how are you" is sometimes a meaningless question FOR STRANGERS, but since you really care, there was no reason for her to react like that.
I think you are making too much of this over someone who sounds like she has some screws loose.
CarbonCountyLiving, I'm really starting to believe that you are right. I'm making too much of this. Sorry. You know, I tried explaining to her that she should have known my intention were positive and there was no hidden agenda in asking her "how are you?" She conceded that I was right. But I did start to refrain from asking her.
Screw loose: yes I think so, I even told her that once during an argument. She got all silent. I think she is the type of person that deep down inside is at times introspective and self-aware. She doesn't believe in seeking a therapist "because that is what friends are for." I tend to agree with that statement. She seems quite content in her echo chamber of internet friends. Another area of contention between us is how I was not as respectful of Islam as she is, but she admitted that "I'm not a bigot." Which I am not by any means. Her other fascination beyond Islam, is Conversion to Judaism, and Feminism. She is also a polyglot. You would think having listened to Rush Limbaugh for the last 20 years would have taught me something! : )
Things she found annoying about me: my American accent, my sunny disposition, uhhh I forgot the rest of the list, but they were mainly superficial things. She also found me not religious enough. It's hard to compete against a Convert, they tend to be more religious than folks born into a religion. Look I don't want to besmirch my ex - it takes two to tango. There are some things I dislike about her too. I wasn't always an angel. Generally, I was extremely patient with her and she praised me for it. A few times regrettably my patience waned.
Last edited by HarryRSpooner; 03-26-2015 at 12:41 PM..
The best solution at this point is to remember the positive aspects of the relationship and to not enter a relationship which mirrored this past one. I do think I'll stick with being courtesy and polite even if I end up spending a few more weekends alone.
I used to hate that question because the answers would always be the same, so why bother asking? If you're not "good", you're "excellent", "fine", "great," and if you're the opposite or honest, people don't want to hear about it.
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