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Some Saturday night fodder (no way indicative of anything going on in my personal life, because what woman would wear my ring). If you slip up one time, immediately regret your decision, and take all the neccessary steps to avoid putting yourself in that situation ever again, do you tell your spouse about your indiscretion or keep it to yourself?
It is highly dependent on the couple, situation, and individuals. I have had people tell me first hand both sides... that they would have rather ~not~ known (as someone already mentioned here). Yet others say they would rather have nip it and discussed it. Only the individual can assess the situation and decide. If there is any distrust or animosity built up, I can't see it ending well if one confides.
I'm going through this currently in my relationship with my wife... its still raw situation. We've been together for over 20 years and more than half of that married. We have children together. The stresses of life, supporting a family (with sick children), and our past personal issues caused us to build walls and stop communicating. We started to grow apart.... just going through the motions of keeping things in the household in operation. There is no deeper depressing feeling than being in a full house and yet feel lonely... imprisoned.
I started to confide in another woman over the years. She was more of a friend and confidant. Feelings started to develop. She was not only my only support structure but our relationship started to feel like it were dating. We became close.. too close. At some point, I realized that I needed to break this off. I told my last good bye a few months ago and fell into a deep depression and heartbreak. Something I couldn't hide from my wife.... she knows me too well. So, despite every part of my being to keep it bottled up, I broke down and told her. I fully expected to have serious repercussions afterwards... it was one of the most difficult things to got through in my entire life.
My wife is a wonderful partner in life... she knows who I am and that I never intended to hurt her. We've been talking a lot and communicating lately working both sides (as she has her own set of issues). Making a lot of progress.... we are still together... and talk of splitting up never surfaced again. There are still needs not being met on both sides BUT we have at least identified and acknowledged them.
I think the big difference for us, is that my wife and I were extremely close; best buddies for 8 years (dating others too) prior to marriage. We even shared an apartment together. That friendship is our foundation on which we are rebuilding our lives together right now. We've also considered an open relationship in the past... so being in a "truthful" sexual relationship was NOT the key pain point here (no I didn't get that far with the other woman). It was more emotional and the threat of breaking my commitment I made to my wife when we got married (kinda hard to explain). Even now, she encourages me to talk about the other woman in our private time that we have set aside to simply talk. I still have feelings for the other woman and my wife acknowledges that... but often you don't choose who you fall for... BUT you choose with whom you share your life. I chose my wife.
So in the end, I don't think one can say one way or the other. Its too hard to say that there is a one real decision. I can say that its best to avoid the situation all together by keeping a healthy communication channel with your significant other. In my case, we stopped talking and stopped meeting each other's needs. That's the key painful point here.
So while the original question is whether or not you should tell... it is very important to figure out the underlying cause. Only then can you really make a decision.
"A moment of weakness"...too easy a rationalization. Try to be more honest with yourself about how you got yourself into the situation in the first place and then went ahead with it when you knew you had a choice and made the one you now regret.
Cheating is a decision, not a slip-up. You might make a bad decision or one you regret, but you still consciously made it, and decisions have consequences. Maybe that consequence is coming clean and somebody says, "'Bye, then." Maybe that consequence is coming clean and somebody says, "We can work it out," and never fully trusts you ever again. Maybe that consequence is keeping it to yourself and living with the knowledge that you're a cheater.
this is why i dont let myself get into situations where i have to try and deal with a "moment of weakness". and even when i am in those situations, i clear my mind so i can think rationally, and extricate myself from such situations. i dont need the resulting issues. sure you might be able to not speak about the affair, but what happens if the person you had the affair with decides its not over, and then proceeds to make your life a living hell?
I'm not so sure that "confessing" your sins is entirely altruistic.
I often thought that to suffer in silence and have the stain on your soul might be a bigger punishment than coming clean and getting "forgiveness"
IDK.....
YMMV
A friend of mine is going through a divorce now and her ex gave her the whole "I couldn't live with myself, had to tell you the truth" line. It's bull, honestly.
She had no idea he was having an affair. I suspected he was, based on his behavior.
He had two respectful choices. The first would've been to pull his act together and fix his marriage. The other would've been to ask for a divorce (they were seeing a marriage counselor anyway) and let her move on.
As is evidenced by all the responses here, telling people only makes them upset, bitter, and jaded.
If my spouse ever had an indiscretion, I would not want to know. I have thought of this off and on since I was a child. My parents divorced when I was 7, and my mom swore my dad was having an a affair and he swore he wasn't.
I have no clue exactly what happened, but I think my mom flipped out when they divorced and it has affected her ever since (in a negative way) in her relationships.
So, long before I ever dated or got married, I knew I would prefer not to know something like that. I'd rather either move on and fix whatever was wrong in the relationship that allowed it to happen, or end the relationship respectfully without the focus on being "cheated" on. It takes away from the healing process because, let's be honest here... nobody's perfect. The affair was part of a larger problem in the relationship, it wasn't the reason FOR the problem.
And, I really don't think people who have committed an indiscretion are any special breed of humans. They are just like everyone else. People who swear they would never do such a thing are lying to themselves. They do not think they would. They most likely never will. But, they're human. Humans are not without the ability to make mistakes.
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