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The only reason why I don't ask my female friend out is because we have been friends since we were eight years old.
That's more interesting as you already knew each other before puberty. So you might as well have a change, maybe she feels the same way How old are you now?
Mmmm...its a nice thought. But, I think, rare, that it works out that way. It has happened for me, once, but there were other circumstances at work for us, and in the 2+ decades we had been "just friends" we both, secretly, wanted more. We just couldn't have it. Then, one day, we could. It still took a while, after our circumstances changed, for us to come clean with each other. I will say, that was, most certainly, the happiest day of my life.
Still, I believe love evolving out of friendship , between two people, real love that lasts, is not that common. More often, it ruins a friendship, becoming lovers. The change in emotional tempo catches people off guard, and makes for all kinds of funky feeling and emotions to mix into a , quite often, highly reactive mixture. For it to be for real it has to be the proverbial "perfect storm".
When I was in my 20s, a female friend and I had a moment. But we both backed off, and talking about it afterward, we were both glad we did. It would have complicated things to the point of ruin and wrath. The recent situation, that did see a real relationship develop, has still been fraught with issues, though these things are not there because we were "friends first". That has actually been helping in resolving things of late. Again, though, that's rare air.
The physical aspect of our relationship has to be on hold for a while. We both want that back, but there are good reasons this has to be right now, and the fact that we are, and have been, best friends and lovers for quite a while now, and were such good friends first, helps us to understand and cope with the situation. We were going to get married, which, of course we had to back burner as well. Our deep friendship, as well as our love for each other, keeps us focused, but our situation is FAR from typical.
Most often, it seems to me, that when two friends of the opposite sex become intimate, its a spontaneous thing, born of some high voltage emotional situation outside the friendship, that will set things in motion, and things end up awkward or even angry. Such a happening is great great Grandmas secret recipe for disaster and hurt. In order for two friends to become a couple, there has to have been a mutual desire that's been there from the start. Not something that "evolves" out of the friendship.
NV, I always enjoy your posts, but I'm surprised that you have such a cynical view of women. Your interpretation of male/female friendship suggests that ALL women would take advantage of their male friends - if they have any, which I don't. I wouldn't think of using a male friend that way any more than I would a female friend.
NV, I always enjoy your posts, but I'm surprised that you have such a cynical view of women. Your interpretation of male/female friendship suggests that ALL women would take advantage of their male friends - if they have any, which I don't. I wouldn't think of using a male friend that way any more than I would a female friend.
You're too suspicious for such a good guy.
Oh, sorry, I didn't mean to generalize (and I think you quoted the wrong post BTW, lol) I was talking about just a couple of personal situations that I encountered in the past. Situations that I'm way over. But there are certain types of people, of both genders, that take advantage of "friendships" and that muddys the waters for a lot of other people. When j encountered those particular people I was talking about, I was a lot younger. My feelings, at that time, which is what I was alluding to, don't reflect my feelings now. Certainly not , insofar, as my view of women, in general go. I've actually been used harder by male "friends" than female, which was what the "having a truck come moving day" was reffering to. It is amazing, how someone you really don't know , can all of a sudden be a long lost close buddy when you have something they need.
But I did word that post a bit on the terse side, and didn't really clarify what k was actually thinking. So...my bad.
That's more interesting as you already knew each other before puberty. So you might as well have a change, maybe she feels the same way How old are you now?
I have had 3 women in my life that I was friends with and hoped it would have turned into love. This was from my junior high years up through 22. All three women ended up marrying someone who they weren't close friends with, but had initial dating chemistry immediately. I wouldn't condone being friends with the hope that it turning into something more. You will end up getting hurt in the end.
And look at the age you were doing that, primarily your teenage years. Adults with jobs, household responsibilities, hobbies and friendships don't have free time to invest in opposite sex friendships they hope might turn into romance years down the road.
I'd say the majority of people grow a friendship and romance simultaneously, so if you don't want to do that, as with every situation, you have to be willing to accept the limitations of your choices. If you can't do that, then you need to change, not the rest of the world.
I don't "date". Dating is as I understand it: "Getting to know someone with the intention of forming a current or future romantic relationship with them." I think dating is unrealistic.
I'm open to possibilities and I love fantasizing, but what ever happens, happens, and what ever doesn't happen, doesn't happen.
I think its' far more realistic to be friends with someone for years and then have that friendship naturally progress into being lovers. In a way, to me, being lovers is sort of the "evolved" form of a friendship. You're still friends and you still do all the things you did before as friends, but now it's more...
A lot of people seem to believe that being "alone" is one of the worst states you can be in, but I think being with someone, having unrealistic expectations of them, and then being disappointed when they don't meet these unrealistic expectations is one of the worst states to be in.
As someone who has suffered from Obsessive Compulsive Order-like mental anguish, I've had a lot of experience with my own mind. From this I've learned that a lot of my stress can be caused by my creating expectations for nearly every thing and I do have control of this. It is difficult to not do this often how ever as creating expectations to worry about seems to be almost automatic for me.
This is why I don't date. This is what I believe about Friendship and Love.
What are your thoughts?
I'm a huge advocate for friendship first. Unfortunately, I don't think it's really worked IME. People like to tend to rush into things, and that's not my forte.
Friendship first is smart. You get to know the person very well, and you know you care for each other's best interests, and you're unselfish about them meeting other people, vice versa.
Ultimately, friendship first to me signifies: Save the Best for last. Truly is.
I'm a huge advocate for friendship first. Unfortunately, I don't think it's really worked IME. People like to tend to rush into things, and that's not my forte.
Friendship first is smart. You get to know the person very well, and you know you care for each other's best interests, and you're unselfish about them meeting other people, vice versa.
Ultimately, friendship first to me signifies: Save the Best for last. Truly is.
In that scenario the two people basically already know they are attracted to each other, but decide to exclude romantic stuff for the time being. That can of course work unless people are waiting too long.
But the notion that two people start out as friends only, i.e. without feeling attracted to each other beyond that, and then later miraculously fall in love with each other, is not overly realistic in my view.
Don't let fear dictate your life though. There will be pain but life goes on.
I chose not to do it. It's for the best.
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How old are you now?
