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I will never date women who are my friends. Last time I did that it destroyed our friendship.
Well sorry things didn't work out for you.~
Everything has risks and life goes more often than not according to how you handle the things that happen in it.~
Here's a thought: Have any of you ever had a best friend that you were so close with that most other people who didn't know you two thought you both were more than friends?~
Everything has risks and life goes more often than not according to how you handle the things that happen in it.~
Here's a thought: Have any of you ever had a best friend that you were so close with that most other people who didn't know you two thought you both were more than friends?~
I don't think it's unusual for two people to have met at a very young age (i.e. middle or maybe high school) and naturally start off as friends first. And then after a while, as their romantic/sexual urges (in general) strengthen, that friendship gradually morphs into a relationship. In such instances there's probably very little, if any, legit dates...aside from the occasional "date night" after they've transitioned into a relationship.
On the other hand...adults meeting each other for the first time? That's a different story. Most adults know very quickly whether they see someone as a potential romantic interest vs a potential friend vs someone they'd rather not associate with at all. Everyone involuntarily gives off vibes. This "friend" ---> "BF/GF" thing is rare. Remaining friends with an ex isn't uncommon depending on how the two ended things, but aside from that there's usually a clear separation between friends and significant others.
A lot of people meet their spouses through work or start off as mutual friends so it is very common. I personally do subscribe to the OP's philosophy that at a relationships most basic level, it's simply a friendship with intimacy aspect being a huge part of it.
I think a lot of people create their own problems when they get themselves into the mindset of "love is an investment".
When people do this they treat their relationships like a savings account in a bank with interest: the more money or effort they put into it and the longer they do this for the greater the return they will receive.
It may be true that sometimes the strongest bonds are made by putting time and effort into them. This doesn't always turn into love.
No one owes you anything no matter how much effort and time you've given them. People are not "savings accounts".
Pretending to "be a friend" the entire time you've known someone when you were really "a lover waiting to be accepted as such" isn't being truthful with them. How can they love you when you don't trust them to be honest with them? What kind of love is love without trust?
I've loved many people in my life. Speaking now in my own opinion: I've loved people, I've hurt when I seen them with other people in the way I wanted to be with them, I've told them how I feel, and I've been told they don't feel the same way.
Yes, at the times it did hurt me a lot that I wasn't with them in the way I wanted to be, but as I got to know them more my feelings for them to be happy grew stronger than my feelings of hurt of not being with them. I wanted them to be happy and to do what I could to do what was best for them if that's what they truly wanted. I didn't force them to be better people.
I continued to be there for them, I continued to care for them, I continued to be honest with them, just like I always did. I still loved them, but when our life paths parted ways and I thought about me not being with them as a lover the feelings of hurt grew dimmer and were being replaced by something else: a feeling I don't have a word for, a feeling of hope that they find happiness and that they become better people.
For me, when I think about movies now like the Twilight Saga I feel like I understand it more now: when you love someone, you want them to be happy even if it is not with you.~
Last edited by ColorsWolf; 05-23-2015 at 12:37 PM..
I didn't say otherwise. But you don't gave to be friends first, nor is a pre-existing friendship alway going to be a good enough foundation for marriage. One of the best marriages I know of was my parents. They were the best of friends and had a great marriage, yet they started out as a blind date.
I simply don't subscribe to to OP's ideas. I believe that developing a romance and friendship can and quite often does occur simultaneously. Friendship can grow from attraction, but I do not believe that romance can always grow from friendship.
I have had 3 women in my life that I was friends with and hoped it would have turned into love. This was from my junior high years up through 22. All three women ended up marrying someone who they weren't close friends with, but had initial dating chemistry immediately. I wouldn't condone being friends with the hope that it turning into something more. You will end up getting hurt in the end.
I don't "date". Dating is as I understand it: "Getting to know someone with the intention of forming a current or future romantic relationship with them." I think dating is unrealistic.
I'm open to possibilities and I love fantasizing, but what ever happens, happens, and what ever doesn't happen, doesn't happen.
I think its' far more realistic to be friends with someone for years and then have that friendship naturally progress into being lovers. In a way, to me, being lovers is sort of the "evolved" form of a friendship. You're still friends and you still do all the things you did before as friends, but now it's more...
A lot of people seem to believe that being "alone" is one of the worst states you can be in, but I think being with someone, having unrealistic expectations of them, and then being disappointed when they don't meet these unrealistic expectations is one of the worst states to be in.
As someone who has suffered from Obsessive Compulsive Order-like mental anguish, I've had a lot of experience with my own mind. From this I've learned that a lot of my stress can be caused by my creating expectations for nearly every thing and I do have control of this. It is difficult to not do this often how ever as creating expectations to worry about seems to be almost automatic for me.
This is why I don't date. This is what I believe about Friendship and Love.
What are your thoughts?
This is perhaps one of the worst ideas I've ever seen
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The Myth of the Friend Zone
