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Honestly, after reading this, there's now one thing in my mind above all others...
how can a man who's in a sexual relationship with a woman inappropriately touch her ? Hasn't that boat sailed by then ? Perhaps I misunderstood something.
This reminds me of a really old English joke "a night spent together is not an excuse to get on a first name basis !"
(This is in reply to Snugglegirl05, and I do appreciate your insight !)
Honestly, after reading this, there's now one thing in my mind above all others...
how can a man who's in a sexual relationship with a woman inappropriately touch her ? Hasn't that boat sailed by then ? Perhaps I misunderstood something.
(This is in reply to Snugglegirl05, and I do appreciate your insight !)
OP:
There is emotional cheating as well as physical cheating.
Emotionally involved:
Anyone you spend a lot of close personal time with will become emotionally involved to some degree
Some kind of connection on an intimate emotional level.
Sharing their ups and downs. Being there if they need you. Asking them for help when you need it.
If you are getting emotionally involved with a woman, it means, you care for her and/or desire her. It could mean too that you are getting more and more attached to her. Sometimes (often) it can lead to a physical/sexual affair...
The definition of emotionally involved is investing your emotions into a person or subject. It is tending to think with your heart rather than your head.
Emotionally attached:
If someone in your life is so close that you can discuss anything, including topics that bring up intense emotions, you are emotionally attached to that person. Talking to someone about your deepest desires, thoughts and needs indicates an emotional connection. You talk about how things make you feel or your deepest aspirations for the future. You want this person to get you -- to understand what makes you tick. If you are female, you do this through deep conversation. She has feelings for you, and her emotions are sometimes affected by the way you act towards her. She would find it difficult to be without you.
Emotionally invested: The more she thinks, reacts to and does things for you the more emotionally invested she is; the more she thinks of you the more she invests. You've hijacked her brain. It means that you care a lot about something or someone; loyal to, mentally engaged, or dedicated to something or someone
Romantic attachment: A romantic attachment (also called pair-bonding) is a deep emotional bond to another individual. The tendency to form a deep emotional bond to another individual is a universal feature of human life. When we form an attachment to a romantic partner, we want to be near that person. And we tend to feel safe and secure when our partners are around. Once an attachment is formed – people want to spend more time together, feel safe and secure in each other’s presence, and they will experience loss when the relationship comes to an end. If you are attached to someone and the relationship comes to an end, the sense of loss can be overwhelming – including feelings of uncertainty, fear, and despair. Be careful about whom you have repeated intimate contact with – you are likely to form an attachment to that person. And once an attachment is formed, it can be very difficult to break.
Any of the above can cause problems in a relationship, being it a committed relationship, an engagement, or a marriage.
Also, please understand that humans are integrated beings. We cannot put our emotions and our feelings inside boxes, put a lid on these boxes, and expect our emotions and our feelings to stay inside these boxes when we spend time alone with our opposite sex friends. At some point, we will begin to want more than friendship with our opposite sex friend. You can make all the physical boundaries you want such as 1) no hugging, 2) no hand holding, 3) no sitting close to each-other and so on. But that does not guarantee that one of you or both of you will eventually want more than friendship.
I am sorry but that is wrong. We are talking about people here. We don't let go of our own- they have history. He has to be able to guide it in a way that it doesn't compromise but a leader knows how to guide. A leader, a man, doesn't just let people fend for themselves....
If he can't help another human being without damaging his own marriage, then what do we have here? He will do the same to his current wife and mother of his children if they get divorced? Oh, so now children make a difference? No, people are people and are meant to help each other with boundaries. We set them. She hasn't crossed any boundaries, he is simply not manning up enough and jumping to conclusions.
He is simply going based on what he read in some magazine about boundaries and women that have cheating husbands will want to go back to their ex... Yes, it happens but we as humans have to set boundaries and not feed into it.... If a man and woman can be friends, they can certainly be so while being married... We can't have it one way and not the other... we can't say that men and women can be friends BUT ONLY when they are not married to others...
Going on 34 years of marriage here I must say the person who said ( I love my wife) is right on the mark!
A real man/women stand back and relies what they can lose, and doesn't play games or jeopardized their family, nor does one put themselves in a situation that could cause undo harm...
The real problem come from the facts his not been honest with his wife about what's been going on, since she unaware he even been in contact and the fact he not involved his wife in this matter.. The ex is adult with many outlets available to her, she does not need to involve him ...
Most of you are saying to "lose contact" because many of you are reading into his poor judgement. He doesn't even know himself what the deal is. He is assuming she wants him for his "D"... It's not that serious OP, not all women want their EX for the "D". Oh, but can a man be saying that? How dare a man say such a thing and have women think otherwise which is why they are calling to cut all contacts. Hypocrites is why.
That is why I say we are hypocrites. Change one element of the story and all of a sudden, men are pigs... I, as a man, am saying not to abandon a friend and be of assistance from a distance. But many want to cut it all off.... Who is being unreasonable now?
No one said men our pigs..But a fool might be more fitting...
Yesterday I had the longest and most depressing video call in my life...
She is in a very bad shape. Unfortunately, as bad as I feel now, there's really nothing I can do. She's in good shape financially, her husband didn't take a penny of their shared money and she's making a good salary. But emotionally she's a total wreck, feeling worthless and betrayed. She is over the thought of meeting me - she understands it's really not a good thing for me to do. She says she can't meet any of her close friends because all they talk about is just how they've been right all that time.
There's really nothing I can do here, except maybe call every now and then. If she doesn't go into depression , time will heal.
So what good did that do you, or her?
The bolded is a crock. She has to say that to you, because if she doesnt, then she has no excuse to keep in touch with you. I don't believe theres not a single person she can talk to. So what if they say they knew it was coming? She can still talk to them. They are close friends, right?
She is not the only person to go thru a break up. She will get over it. It is NOT your job. Or obligation. Unless, of course, you feel like you just have to and make a shambles of your life and hers.
The bolded is a crock. She has to say that to you, because if she doesn't, then she has no excuse to keep in touch with you. I don't believe there's not a single person she can talk to. So what if they say they knew it was coming? She can still talk to them. They are close friends, right?
She is not the only person to go thru a break up. She will get over it. It is NOT your job. Or obligation. Unless, of course, you feel like you just have to and make a shambles of your life and hers.
OP:
Regarding the bolded parts in pink...
Was your wife with you the entire time during the video call?
There has to be someone whom she can talk to. She just does not want to talk to someone else. She only wants to talk to you. This is very telling/revealing.
Exactly how did it benefit you to listen to this video call?
Exactly how did this benefit your marriage and your relationship with your three kids? Are your children aware of your contact with her?
How do your kids feel about the entire situation?
If any of your kids were in the same situation as her, what would you want them to do?
I think there's a lot of youthful energy around CD, if you know what I mean
Yea, we were all young once and did stupid things. In our adult life we should know better. It is just part of the growing up process.
Offer to help her find professional help as her issues are beyond what you can do for her. Many people have suffered through a divorce and she too will survive. You say she is okay financially which puts her way ahead of many women who were left in poverty. Remind her of what she does have, like a job. Sometimes, at our darkest moments it is hard to see how rich in various ways we are. Refuse to participate in the pity me game as it won't help her to accept her loss and move on...without you.
Would you be ok if your wife started emailing, video calling, meeting up with her old flame?
People set different boundaries in their relationship. Some people are ok with being that close with the opposite sex, while others find it disrespectful. I mean, that was the deal breaker with my 4 yrs relationship with my ex. He gets too close with the opposite sex all the time and doesn't understand the concept of emotional cheating. I couldn't handle it so I broke it off. If you are starting to feel uncomfortable with the situation, then just stop.
It doesn't matter what other people here on CD think is "right" or "wrong", you should openly discuss this with your wife and see how she reacts, then you'll get your answer.
To me, that's not even a question. There is no need for a married person emailing, sharing intimate problems in life and what not, video calling and all that. All of those are inappropriate, but you seem to be ok with it, others here seem to be ok with it, so do what YOU think is appropriate, considering of your wife's thoughts on this matter.
If this is something you feel that you can't talk to your wife about, something you need to hide from her, then you know it's something wrong and you should stop it.
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