Wife unhappy with life and depressed

[Ruth4Truth]

Originally Posted by hayupkayo

what is the answer?

OP, ugh, been on that mood swing victim route too with my husband, up to now, and I honestly don't know when it will strike again. Just deal with it. It too shall pass. Like your wife, when my husband is in good mood it's really good. Like today, he just bought me a bike. I already told him I like my bike, the one that was picked up in the trash, LOL. It's real decent bike though. The owner whoever they are, trash 2 good, working bikes just coz there was a paint splatter on them.

Oh yeah. He bought me a bike. Just minutes after he got mad at me for always reminding him it's his fault that my car got dented bad. The funny more like annoying thing is... he really think it's not his fault. He was driving it, who's fault is it? LOL. I was there, it really is the freaking truck's fault. But I still think it's his fault. From my road trip experience. Trucks ALWAYS dent my freaking car. So I KNOW how to distance myself from them. I either slow down or pass them in a hurry just so I won't drive next to them. Trucks are freaking trouble for my precious MINI, ALWAYS!

Any way, yeah just look forward to when she's in good mood? I guess.

The traffic though if you know your way around your GPS, they can automatically avoid traffic for you. Just put a tick on avoid traffic in the settings.

This sounds like it might be bipolar. Buying things unnecessarily, after a depressive episode? Maybe not, but that's one symptom of it.

[Daisy Grey]

My 5 cents....

1) No one has yet mentioned the fact that she might be peri-menopausal or going though early stages of menopause. Try suggesting a medical or ob/gyn appointment instead.

2) You say this is her second marriage. The issue could be that she doesn't like the lifestyle. It's got nothing to do with you and everything to do with the fact that she just doesn't like being married, and she doesn't know how to articulate that--even to herself. It's more socially acceptable to be married and women are programmed to want that. We've been told that we won't survive without a man so we cave to what society dictates. Some of us discover that it's just not a good choice for us.

3) Does she have any gal-pals? Maybe suggest she go out more with her friends, schedule a girls' weekend away--maybe she'd open up to them and at least vent out whatever she's going through.

4) Instead of vacations how about starting small. Take a yoga class (or any class) together, take a walk, make it a habit of spending some time outdoors together to get some fresh air and a fresh perspective.

5) It might be her diet. This may sound weird but it's true. I discovered that I'm yeast intolerant and the symptoms are wide ranging. From: Yeast Allergies Symptoms & Treatment

abdominal bloating
anxiety
bladder infections
constipation
cravings for sugar or alcoholic beverages
depression
diarrhea
difficulty concentrating
dizziness
fatigue
hives
impotence
infertility
irritability
menstrual problems
mood swings
muscle and joint pain
prostatitis
psoriasis
respiratory and ear problems
unexpected weight gain
"feeling bad all over"

I've been on a strict diet (no sugar, no bread/wheat products, no cheese, no caffeine, no processed foods, no booze, etc.) and pro-biotics for a few months and I find that my mood has stabilized despite a lot of issues going on in my personal life and at work.

Well, good luck and I hope this helps.....

[dejaentendu19]

She sounds like the type of girl that if you dressed up and took her out to a fancy restaurant....would complain about the food and service the entire time.

[Meyerland]

Originally Posted by lostinwife

Not sure what to do here. I've tried talking to her about her feelings, and it goes no where. I suggested for her to see a psychologist, and found her a list of docs to see in our plan. She's said she cannot afford to go (she can). Nonetheless, I offered to foot the bill as well. I even offered to go with her. "We'll see". We've been together for 6 years and married for 3. She's 40 and I'm 37. She wants to have kids, I agreed for one (due financial reasons). However, she's rarely, if ever in the mood for intercourse. She wanted to have the child via tube insemination, I didn't go for it as I do not believe in that. She's not happy where we live. She moved into my house that I purchased years before I met her, and I cover nearly all the bills. I said I would consider a move if I can get the amount I paid for the house back (it's all I have and it's about 30% less than what I paid, but going back up). However, for the next house, she doesn't have much to help pay for. Anything we could buy would be more than what the current house is worth. She lived in the city limits, we're now a whopping 15 miles away from her previous location, and now, 3 years later, she doesn't like it. She complains due to traffic in her daily commute, it takes her 1.5 hours to get to work. They are building a new highway and it will be completed in 2016. Once complete, it will go back to around 30 minutes or so. In reality, most days, if she leaves on time, it takes her about 45 minutes to get there and about 45 minutes to an hour to get home. She tells all it's about 1.5 hours and argues with me when I said no it isn't. When I go to my clients or doctors, it takes me the same amount of time. She wants to redecorate the entire house (guess who would probably pay for this?), I said let's start with the living room and family room first, she didn't like that answer. I said what can I do to help? Nothing. It's her and her choices in life that led to her current situation. She said she loves me very much, however, I do not know what to do. She won't travel with me anymore because I have medical issues (auto accident). However, I am off all the medicines which cause mood issues for months now. I offered to take her via train. No. Take her via plane. No. Take her via cruise. No. So, again, I do not know what to do. She will only go via car, and when we go, she complains that it costs her money. Let alone, I always cover the hotel (1000.00 +), fuel, and at least half the food we eat. BTW, we make about the same, however, I am self-employed and work off commission. Sometimes it's lower for me or higher. Depends. I offered to open up a joint bank account, she doesn't want me to look at her charges, etc. I am truly lost here. When she's in a good mood, everything is good. But, when she's in a mood, like now, it's not so fine.

So, again, I am not sure what I can do. Everything I try to do, is wrong or not enough. What am I doing wrong here??

I think there is a lot going on in your marriage. There appears to be a disconnect between you two. She may be depressed and miserable. She may be unreasonable, too. However, let's think about her point of view...

Apparently you have been in a pretty bad car accident, and need medical visits and it has curtailed travel plans. This can put a big strain on a marriage.

She moved into your house and wants to make it both of your house by redecorating the whole thing. It really is tough to move into a home you don't like or had a say in choosing. Did you live there with your ex? She might resent that. Maybe that's why she wants to start with other rooms. (Like the bedroom) do you have the same bedroom furniture that you had when you were with other women. (Yuck)

Have you done her commute during rush hour? It might take her longer than you think. If you are going for doctor visits on certain days, you might miss the Friday extreme rush hour. Some days it may take her 45, but others it might take 1 1/2 hours. It probably depends on a variety of factors. I would just let this one go. Whatever the number is, she is unhappy with commuting.

Was her last husband controlling of money? Is there a reason she doesn't want to show her finances? Are you open with her about your finances? Do you lecture her on her spending habits. (Some people start to become similar to a parental figure when finances are involved. Very very tricky.)

I would say that you need marriage counseling.

Good luck!

[Lwalter]

do the deep talk, in a good situation. Tell her how you feel and give her a big, long hug. Get her to trust you and tell her that you are worried. Maybe she'll go to a psychiatrist after that. Good luck!

[usayit]

When I reflect on my own struggles with depression, I see that I struggle the most when
I feel consumed with

* Perceived failures to meet self imposed expectations.
* Perceived lack of control or influence n my life.
* Perceived inability to contribute to my life.

All those contribute to my anger and temper... However, I turn them inward in order to hide them... anger turned inwards is depression... self hatred. When I am in a good state of mind, I am normally a very rational and pragmatic person. However in times in struggle, I become quite irrational. A select few people in my life know about my struggles.. and even fewer know how to help. We work on my perceptions and talk about them.. rationalize them... try to bring them to more realistic views.

When I read the OP's post, I can see that I would be struggling just as his wife.

She wants to have kids for whatever reason unable to commit to it... also starting to hit the biological clock limit. Failure to meet expectations/goals

She doesn't like where you life... Failure to control or influence in life

She has a 1.5 hour commute... Failure to control or influence in life

She moved into your house and you cover most of the bills... Inability to contribute

She makes less money than you... Inability to contribute.

etc...

If I were her and if she's wired anything like I am, I too would be struggling.

Try not to fall into a blame game.. its very easy... It looks like you are making efforts to help. Great! But remember this is all about perception.. her perception. If she's anything like me, someone needs to help her frame and rationalize those perceptions... she could very well be in a state that clouds judgement.

She needs someone to talk to.. the very best person would be professional help. Work on that... talk to her and create a common goal to strive as a couple to seek help. Make sure she feels like its not just about her.. be a source of rationalization. She doesn't feel like therapy is affordable... Show her money... and repeat to her that "this is a small price to pay to be with you in a marriage that means so much to me." Participate in that therapy... learn about her depression and how to help coach her out of it. Talking and feeling comfortable/safe about discussing inner thoughts is a key component.

I know its difficult... .I'm still struggling to seek help... Its been more than 15 years since I talked to a professional. I take small steps towards that goal.

Best of luck. Many will say bail on the marriage.... I would only recommend that once all options have been exhausted. A good path to hating yourself and regret is when you abandon someone you love.

[Amy1190]

Originally Posted by seasick

What are you doing wrong? I'd say, not getting the heck out. You sound like you don't particularly like her, and she doesn't particularly like you. Why not both cut your losses? I mean this in a friendly way. Just part, no harm, no foul.

Don't tell him to just bail on his wife. Marriage is a commitment. He needs to see if he can fix it first. I wish them all the best.

[reds37win]

How long has it been since she completed her divorce? Did she have time on her own or did the two of you immediately begin dating?

You're getting a lot of opinions here, so I hope you'll suffer one more. It sounds like she enjoys the idea of marriage, more for the security than anything else. I don't get the impression she is investing much of herself in your relationship. She doesn't share her money - in fact, she doesn't want you to know what she does with it - she doesn't share herself, she is closed off to any attempt to dig deeper into her feelings and, apparently, doesn't think the problem is with her.

I think she wants the security and nothing more. My opinion would be to press the marriage counselor thing further. If her reluctance is money, that is a really poor excuse. It should tell you that your relationship is not as valuable as her spending ability.

[Rowan123]

OP if she won't go to counseling you should go to find out how best to deal with her as it honestly doesn't sound like she's going to change. Please do not bring an innocent baby into this type of situation.