Recurring arguments over Quality Time Amounts (date, wife, married, love)
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Wife and I have been married for 10 years. 2 kids, ages 2 and 5.
Our older kid goes to bed at 8 (reads for awhile and lights out later), but essentially 8-10:30 (when we would go to bed on average) is available free time (say 17.5 hours total). I have hobbies (soccer, computer games, etc.) and my wife generally doesn't, though she does yoga once every week or 2 and goes out with friends once or twice a month (only the friends thing impacts this time window).
What percentage of this "free time" is fair for me to allocate to individual hobbies vs. things we would do together?
Wife and I have been married for 10 years. 2 kids, ages 2 and 5.
Our older kid goes to bed at 8 (reads for awhile and lights out later), but essentially 8-10:30 (when we would go to bed on average) is available free time (say 17.5 hours total). I have hobbies (soccer, computer games, etc.) and my wife generally doesn't, though she does yoga once every week or 2 and goes out with friends once or twice a month (only the friends thing impacts this time window).
What percentage of this "free time" is fair for me to allocate to individual hobbies vs. things we would do together?
It's not a mathematical equation. It's something that only the two of you can figure out.
Pay special attention to how much your wife thinks is ok for you to "allocate."
Everyone is different, so there is no "right" answer. If your wife thinks you aren't spending enough time with her, well, it seems you aren't. What does the "together" time consist of? If it is sitting there staring at the TV together it probably isn't very satisfying to her. Try giving her your undivided attention, talking, etc...you'll probably find that "less" time is "more" that way.
And, yeah, if something has to be cut back, I'd go for the computer games...it's way too easy to lose track of time with those things and get sucked in.
Yeah, I would say that "wife is home doing her own thing, and I'm on the computer gaming" doesn't necessarily count as everyone's idea of "quality time together. Best to get those expectations out in the open.
I don't consider things like watching TV or gaming "hobbies."
17 hours of free time a week is not a lot, spend it wisely.
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There is no correct answer here, but you have to do what it takes to enjoy and share together to grow as a couple. If that includes helping her discover a hobby she may like to enjoy with you, then so be it.
My wife and I have downtime after 8 too when our 6 year old is in bed. By this time of the day, we usually do something together but not a lot. TV, conversation, etc. It is more just downtime at the end of the day.
For us, quality time for individual hobbies or joint things are done at other times. For "me" things one of us watches our daughter while the other does their thing. Quality time together is done with date nights, babysitting, etc.
I do not track it, or calculate out how much each of us gets, or make ratios to the best allocation. We do things as we want or need and work together to make sure everyone gets in what they want, and is happy and content with the outcome.
That said, if I had only 17 hours in a 168 hour week to spend with my wife, I would likely spend most of it with her doing something. She's my best friend, and we love each others company.... which is kind of really why we got together in the first place.
Yeah, I would say that "wife is home doing her own thing, and I'm on the computer gaming" doesn't necessarily count as everyone's idea of "quality time together. Best to get those expectations out in the open.
Yeah, these are separate things (not sure if my post was clear). Basically I have soccer 2x a week and play computer games (generally) late after one of the soccer times and 1 other evening per week after the kids go to bed.
On the other days, we'll work out together or watch TV, or both. That's not as "quality" as she'd like, but things are limited when you have to be at home with sleeping kids. We are going to try and do other things to improve that aspect.
My main intent was to get a sense of whether or not my perception of the individual vs. together balance within that free time was out of wack. Everyone's different, obviously, though a general consensus (bell curve of opinion or something) would be good to know.
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etc.) and my wife generally doesn't, though she does yoga once every week or 2 and goes out with friends once or twice a month (only the friends thing impacts this time window).
