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In March I discovered my wife was sending 20-30 texts per day with a guy she had met about 2 months prior. She is into music and he joined a group she was in. Texting was flirtatious, talked about doing things together. She sent a selfie of herself to him in a short skirt. They talked about food they would make each other at musical practice, etc. She would get texts from him at 1030-1100 at night while I was lying in bed next to her and respond. They had a couple of lengthy phone conversations while I was working nights.
I discovered it and confronted her, she that it was just flirting, there was nothing physical. She apologized and said she would back off. They still continued texting although not as much. Some of the texts had nothing to do with music, were friendly but not sexual. I also discovered she deleted several texts from him that she though I 'would get upset about'.
I went into a depression, had trouble at work and sleeping.
We got closer physically (she had complained I didn't show enough affection so I started hugging and kissing her all the time). She did not consider dissociating herself from this guy or leaving the group, and at the time I didn't demand it, honestly I was afraid of losing her which I could not have dealt with at the time.
There were a couple of more text deletions and 1 time I caught her in a lie about what time she said she was driving to his house to practice. The guy asked her on a Saturday to go to a concert with him (without me) and at that point she told him no, she was married. She told him her husband was uncomfortable about their relationship, and he backed off a little.
My problems continued and in May my wife told him I was still uncomfortable with things, he said OK that he would leave the group. My wife got pissed at me and yelled at me, the next day she called him up and they were back together as a group. This got me even more depressed.
He's been out of town for a few weeks so my wife hasn't had contact with him. I'm dreading what's going to happen when he comes back. In some ways I've gotten closer to my wife but I can't figure out why she got pissed at me when he said he would leave.
We started going to marriage counseling which has helped a little.
How can I get over this? We've been married 20 years.
Can you forgive and forget and learn to trust her again? You need to find out why she felt she needed an emotional connection with another man. Clearly she feels something is lacking for her to look outside of the marriage for companionship. What you ultimately end up doing is your decision to make. If you do decide to save the marriage you have to make sure you don't keep throwing this back in her face whenever you have an argument.
You can't do anything about what has happened in the past, so you need to look to your future. Do you still want her in it? Only you know the answer to that.
My first reaction is to leave her. From what you write she sounds like she's being disrespectful towards you, and if her relationship with this guy is making you uncomfortable, there shouldn't be a lot of hand-wringing and gnashing of teeth if there's nothing going on. But she still seems to be doing things that you don't like, and that makes me think there's some BS going on, so you should dump her.
But you said you've been together twenty years so I'm guessing that's probably not going to happen.
How clear are you being with your wife? Have you told her you don't like her relationship with this guy and that you don't want her associating with him anymore? That it seems a little uncomfortably close? Have you laid all of that out for her? Or has it been a lot of sulking, snooping, and mealy-mouthed objections?
I ask because it sounds like a lot of the emotional intimacy has faded from your relationship. Women need that emotional connection like we need a sexual connection. You mentioned being depressed a number of times in your post. I don't want to accuse you of anything, but it's possible that you spent a lot of time going through the motions with your wife, and while you weren't looking she came across a guy who's willing to pay her attention, seems interested in the things she's interested in, and likes to do more than work and lay around the house. And now that you've gotten wind of it, you're feeling threatened and jealous, and now she has to cut ties with her friend just to keep her boring husband happy.
I don't blame you; you're probably just a regular guy just trying to earn a living. And you said you've started hugging and kissing her more because she said you don't show her enough affection. That's a start, but you need to put in some work to get that connection back. To start with that, you need to be honest with her about your feelings. And you need to listen to her. Don't just react and get down in the dumps if she comes at you. Pay attention to what she's actually saying.
I can forgive but I cannot forget, especially because this guy is still in the picture and every time I see him or hear his name or go to a performance it brings back what happened. I feel a little humiliated that things happened the way they did. I have more anxiety now when I'm not with my wife and less confidence in myself.
I can't figure out why she got pissed at me when he said he would leave.
Because she doesn't want him to leave.
It sucks, but it sounds like she has feelings for him and is not ready to give up that feeling she gets from the relationship. The giveaway was when she made you the bad guy: "My husband is uncomfortable with our relationship."
If she REALLY cared as much as she should about your feelings, SHE would have drawn a line. Instead she chose to act like a high-schooler blaming her parents for not letting her go to a party the night before a test.
You've already had counseling, which is good, and this is something that it is possible to overcome, but it will take time and a LOT of honesty.
I can't answer if you can get over something like this. You can try for the sake of trying to save it, but ultimately if she doesnt want to address what caused her to unguard her heart and allow others in its all fruitless...
Keeping the guy around while "trying to work through this" would be enough for me to call it
Can you forgive and forget and learn to trust her again? You need to find out why she felt she needed an emotional connection with another man. Clearly she feels something is lacking for her to look outside of the marriage for companionship. What you ultimately end up doing is your decision to make. If you do decide to save the marriage you have to make sure you don't keep throwing this back in her face whenever you have an argument.
You can't do anything about what has happened in the past, so you need to look to your future. Do you still want her in it? Only you know the answer to that.
How can he forgive her? She continues to do everything she was doing previously - even after being confronted. I'm sorry. This was just wrong. Until she is repentant, and is ready to commit to their relationship, there is little he can do.
Sorry dude I never 'lied around the house' don't make up stuff that wasn't there. And wtf, my wife should have a friendship with a single guy of the opposite sex that she was flirting with?
Sorry dude I never 'lied around the house' don't make up stuff that wasn't there. And wtf, my wife should have a friendship with a single guy of the opposite sex that she was flirting with?
If you were depressed and not engaged in your wife's life....then even if you got up to go to work....you weren't there for her.
No wonder she's found someone that talks to her.
Have you ever bothered to talk to her about any of this....what she emotionally needs from you? You seem to only be paying attention to her now because you feel threatened that she doesn't have to take your neglect.
Maybe you misunderstood me or I didn't explain myself well. I was not depressed until I discovered this relationship. Leading up to it I was not depressed and did not think I was disengaged.
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