To tell (or ask) or NOT to tell (or ask), that is the question. (wives, girlfriend)
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If you are or have been in a relationship for more than 20 years, with both of you still loving each other very much and both of you thinking your relationship is basically very good and not wanting your marriage to end even though both of you have lost all romantic and sexual passion for each other, have either you or your S.O. ever confessed that you/she/he were seriously thinking of having an affair (or at least having one or more one-night-stands)?
OR, the circumstances being the same as described above, have either you or your S.O. ever asked the other if you/she/he were considering having an affair or if you/she/he was now having (or had had) an affair?
have either you or your S.O. ever asked the other if you/she/he were considering having an affair or if you/she/he was now having (or had had) an affair?
When someone is in love, they do not have affairs. If you aren't having sex with your woman but you want to have it with someone else, then you are the problem. Either talk about like a mature adult or get out of the marriage. Do not have an affair just because you aren't getting any.
This is a very specific question. Why not relate your actual circumstances plus a request for advice, rather than asking if others have had the same experience?
Part of loving your spouse is not seeking an affair, whether it is behind their back or to their face. If you do not want to end the marriage and want to experience romance again, then work on finding, kindling, and rebuilding it!
When someone is in love, they do not have affairs. If you aren't having sex with your woman but you want to have it with someone else, then you are the problem. Either talk about like a mature adult or get out of the marriage. Do not have an affair just because you aren't getting any.
I wouldn't, but I am just wondering if he would. I am 99% sure he wouldn't, either, but I don't want to risk rocking the boat and having it capsize, so to speak. (We are both honest people when asked a direct question, but our modus operandi has always been to not bring something up before the other one does, if we think it might hurt the other person.)
Part of loving your spouse is not seeking an affair, whether it is behind their back or to their face. If you do not want to end the marriage and want to experience romance again, then work on finding, kindling, and rebuilding it!
Thanks for answering, but there is not even the tiniest ember left to create even the teeniest spark, on either of our parts. (And, yes, we have tried numerous times in numerous ways. I can live with that, though, but I am not sure if I could live with him if I knew that he was finding romance and/or having sex elsewhere. Again, I don't think he is, ever has, or would ever be unfaithful -- but how many stories have we all read about the "clueless" wives?! Oh, and just btw, I am about as attractive as would be reasonable to expect for a woman who is 62.)
I very much love my wife. We've been through a lot but life has taken a turn that has consumed our energy in terms of emotional, physical, and time. Enduring that in the long term has caused some marital problems and for years I couldn't get my wife to acknowledge them. I felt alone. Needless to say feelings of passion and intimacy took a back seat... and we drifted apart.
I turned to a close friend (and former girlfriend) of mine for consolation and support. She is one of the few people I feel comfortable confiding. We've always had this comfort with each other.... even after we agreed to just be friends. However, I ended up rekindling old feelings that I wasn't prepared to deal with.... neither of us were. As such, we decided to further distance ourselves and stopped meeting. I lost a good friend and my only support.... it was heartbreaking and depressing.
The next day, I told my wife and pretty much laid it on the table. It was one of the most difficult things I have ever done in my life. I didn't know what was going to happen... 20+ years, 14+ years of marriage, and 3 kids. We work so well together.. rarely fight... she's a great mother (maybe too much) I guess that's why she never realized there was a problem. It was only then did I finally convinced my wife that things were so great between us..... and it was the very beginning of what we are currently going through to heal. We've made some great progress however it is still a raw situation and we continue to make progress. I'm not really sure what the future has in store for us but I am hopeful.
As for the sex/passion/romance, I'm basically in a sexless marriage. It has been that way for quite sometime now. It is one of those things that my wife still doesn't want to acknowledge as a problem. However, it is something that I choose not to bring up at this time. I guess I still love my wife... but the passion and romance is something that was lost somewhere along the way. Probably a void that my former girlfriend was inadvertently filling. I don't know...
So the answer the question...
* yes the thoughts and feelings were present.... albeit I didn't intend on it.
* I confessed. She knew my friend but didn't realize we were in communication...
* My wife and I are still together. However I'm still not happy but I still love my family. Thinking of the friend I lost still hurts... tremendously. However it is the best I can do at this time.
I very much love my wife. We've been through a lot but life has taken a turn that has consumed our energy in terms of emotional, physical, and time. Enduring that in the long term has caused some marital problems and for years I couldn't get my wife to acknowledge them. I felt alone. Needless to say feelings of passion and intimacy took a back seat... and we drifted apart.
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Thank you for such a heartfelt and honest post. I could "feel" your pain, and I am so sorry for it.
If I may . . . are you sorry you confessed? Do you think it was better that you did rather than keep your feelings hidden? Are you sorry that you decided to end your friendship and continue in your marriage?
In other words, if you had it to do over again, would you have made the same choices?
Very good questions.... I'm not sure I can answer right now. I need to think and post later. It is a day by day thing for me... haven't really looked back but now that you ask it is a good time to do so (I keep a detailed journal to stream thoughts to... for relief.. maybe its a good time to look at my past entries.)
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