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What's a polite way to not lead a guy on and turn down a date? Being a friendly extrovert, many guys misread this as a sign of interest.
Last night at the hot tub a guy started up a conversation. Seemingly a nice guy, I listened to him relentlessly talk about everything and anything including a cyst removal from his nostril, a torn hamstring (wanted me to touch it and asked to touch my leg to show it to me), at least 15 minutes about his thousands of hours of overtime and other headache-inducing conversation.
However, being nice, I figured he was just lonely and needed an ear being new to town. When I could finally get a word in to tell him I was tired and leaving, he asked me out. We exchanged numbers because he wasn't terrible looking until he stood up and appeared to be my height (5'4") but it was too late. After thinking more about his occupation, his southern drawl, his awful tattoos and his interest in bowling, I regret this decision. Has this ever happened to any of you ladies? What did you do?
Please help me with some ways to not be so nice when I'm asked out. (I had already mentioned a bad Internet date to the rest of the people in the hot tub before he started his verbal vomit, so saying I had a boyfriend wouldn't have worked). What would you say to not accept a date? Passive aggressive? Advice welcomed.
just tell him you dont really have the time these days, because your schedule is full at the moment. tell him your dogs/cats, family, etc take up much of your time, and your job takes up the rest.
What's a polite way to not lead a guy on and turn down a date? Being a friendly extrovert, many guys misread this as a sign of interest.
Last night at the hot tub a guy started up a conversation. Seemingly a nice guy, I listened to him relentlessly talk about everything and anything including a cyst removal from his nostril, a torn hamstring (wanted me to touch it and asked to touch my leg to show it to me), at least 15 minutes about his thousands of hours of overtime and other headache-inducing conversation.
However, being nice, I figured he was just lonely and needed an ear being new to town. When I could finally get a word in to tell him I was tired and leaving, he asked me out. We exchanged numbers because he wasn't terrible looking until he stood up and appeared to be my height (5'4") but it was too late. After thinking more about his occupation, his southern drawl, his awful tattoos and his interest in bowling, I regret this decision. Has this ever happened to any of you ladies? What did you do?
Please help me with some ways to not be so nice when I'm asked out. (I had already mentioned a bad Internet date to the rest of the people in the hot tub before he started his verbal vomit, so saying I had a boyfriend wouldn't have worked). What would you say to not accept a date? Passive aggressive? Advice welcomed.
Saying you have a boyfriend is not a deterrent anyway. Vague excuses about being busy are not effective either because everyone is "busy."
OK, I will offer a suggestion, but the main point is that you will have to change your THOUGHTS about this kind of situation before you ever will be able to change what you SAY.
You don't owe this guy ANYTHING, so do not feel obligated to hand over your phone number just because he asked. THINK ABOUT IT. You sat there held hostage by his boorishness because you just wanted a soak, and you KNOW he did several things that turned you off. So WHY would you not be ready to cut this off? You don't have to give him your number or make further plans just because he was not overtly offensive. If you don't feel it, you don't feel it.
Once you remember that, it will be easier for you to say, "I don't think so, but thanks. Have a great night!" in the most cheerful voice you have as you walk away.
Learn to feel comfortable saying "No", "No, thank you", " I am not interested", and mean that. Guys will always look for a window cracked open, for a possibility to try again, for a little flirtation, or mind games. If you are not interested, you need to send a straight, clear message. There should be no "maybe", no "I am busy right now". Don't say "no", then feel sorry and try to apologize. You don't need to be rude. You just need to be firm. Leave no room for misinterpretation.
Saying you have a boyfriend is not a deterrent anyway. Vague excuses about being busy are not effective either because everyone is "busy."
OK, I will offer a suggestion, but the main point is that you will have to change your THOUGHTS about this kind of situation before you ever will be able to change what you SAY.
You don't owe this guy ANYTHING, so do not feel obligated to hand over your phone number just because he asked. THINK ABOUT IT. You sat there held hostage by his boorishness because you just wanted a soak, and you KNOW he did several things that turned you off. So WHY would you not be ready to cut this off? You don't have to give him your number or make further plans just because he was not overtly offensive. If you don't feel it, you don't feel it.
Once you remember that, it will be easier for you to say, "I don't think so, but thanks. Have a great night!" in the most cheerful voice you have as you walk away.
Learn to feel comfortable saying "No", "No, thank you", " I am not interested", and mean that. Guys will always look for a window cracked open, for a possibility to try again, for a little flirtation, or mind games. If you are not interested, you need to send a straight, clear message. There should be no "maybe", no "I am busy right now". Don't say "no", then feel sorry and try to apologize. You don't need to be rude. You just need to be firm. Leave no room for misinterpretation.
Learn to feel comfortable saying "No", "No, thank you", " I am not interested", and mean that. Guys will always look for a window cracked open, for a possibility to try again, for a little flirtation, or mind games. If you are not interested, you need to send a straight, clear message. There should be no "maybe", no "I am busy right now". Don't say "no", then feel sorry and try to apologize. You don't need to be rude. You just need to be firm. Leave no room for misinterpretation.
I think this is the best approach. Just be honest and straightforward. He might not even call you, so don't worry about it too much. And if he calls you for a date tell him, "Thank you, but I am not interested."
Whatever you do, don't lead him on because you are scared to be firm or are worried about hurting his feelings. Unless he has low self esteem or other issues (not your problem I might add), his feelings won't be hurt with an immediate (but polite) rejection. But if you give him hope and then take it away later, that's much more cruel and constitutes playing games with someone and it sounds like you don't want to do that at all.
How about just saying "no"? Maybe something along the lines of "it's not a good time for me", or "There is something in my life I need to focus on right now and I don't want to get involved with anything else", or "I am trying to get over someone and I am not available for dating". Something that's related to you personally. I think any of the above lines convey a pretty clear message and any smart guy would get the point.
Quote:
Originally Posted by MyScreenName
Hi CDers,
What's a polite way to not lead a guy on and turn down a date? Being a friendly extrovert, many guys misread this as a sign of interest.
Last night at the hot tub a guy started up a conversation. Seemingly a nice guy, I listened to him relentlessly talk about everything and anything including a cyst removal from his nostril, a torn hamstring (wanted me to touch it and asked to touch my leg to show it to me), at least 15 minutes about his thousands of hours of overtime and other headache-inducing conversation.
However, being nice, I figured he was just lonely and needed an ear being new to town. When I could finally get a word in to tell him I was tired and leaving, he asked me out. We exchanged numbers because he wasn't terrible looking until he stood up and appeared to be my height (5'4") but it was too late. After thinking more about his occupation, his southern drawl, his awful tattoos and his interest in bowling, I regret this decision. Has this ever happened to any of you ladies? What did you do?
Please help me with some ways to not be so nice when I'm asked out. (I had already mentioned a bad Internet date to the rest of the people in the hot tub before he started his verbal vomit, so saying I had a boyfriend wouldn't have worked). What would you say to not accept a date? Passive aggressive? Advice welcomed.
OP, I'm so fed up with guys who drone on about themselves, that I've reached the point where I almost feel ok being "frank", I'll call it, instead of "rude". This guy had no real interest in getting to know you, he only wanted an attractive sounding board. When someone is genuinely interested in you, they don't talk about themselves, they ask you about you, and they're fascinated by everything you say. So you could point that out to him. If he truly wanted to get to know you, he would have taken advantage of the opportunity then and there, but he didn't. So there's no point in going on a date, is there? Maybe it sounds harsh, but these blowhards need someone to hold up a mirror to them. Or you could say you're not a fan of cyst removal stories and other medical problems, but gee, thanks anyway.
Here's the thing; as women we're trained from childhood to be polite, to be nice. Well, he wasn't polite to you, was he? How rude is it to monopolize the conversation and not let you get a word in edgewise? So why worry about being polite back? Because that's what your mom told you to do at all times? That's actually very dangerous training, potentially. If some guy is invading your personal space, being a little too aggressive, and ignoring your attempts to end the conversation and move on, being "nice" to someone like that (red flag city!) could get you in trouble. Women need to learn to draw boundaries, for their own protection, not inadvertently egg people on by being "nice" when someone's being inappropriate.
OK, end rant. But seriously--"nice" is way overdone, and isn't doing you any favors. At the very least, get used to saying "No", or "no, thank you", and meaning it.
to paraphrase a movie line, "be nice, if he he doesnt get the message, be firm, but be nice. be nice, until its time to not be nice." some guys dont get the message until you get quite rude to them, and then they get stupid and proclaim you to be the rude one.
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just because he asked. THINK ABOUT IT. You sat there held hostage by his boorishness because you just wanted a soak, and you KNOW he did several things that turned you off. So WHY would you not be ready to cut this off? You don't have to give him your number or make further plans just because he was not overtly offensive. If you don't feel it, you don't feel it.
