I think I have a controlling man?? (dating, wife, girlfriends)
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I'm 24 (turning 25) and have been married 1 1/2 years now, and I can't stop arguing with my husband to stop saying he won't "let" me do something, especially go out with my friends. I have very strong Caribbean roots, and I like to go dancing a lot and wear fun clothes. Last year at Christmas my husband bought me a lot of clothes, it was like a new wardrobe, but NONE OF IT was in my taste, and I was confused, until I realized he didn't want me dressing the way I like to.
I'm a kindergarten aide and my job is okay with my outfits. On the weekends I might wear something a bit riskier, but never 'slutty'. I bought a sexy bunny Halloween outfit, and was planning to just use the ears and tail and stuff for my house party and office party with a black skirt and shirt, but then in the bedroom wear it with lingerie I bought, but he accused me of just using Halloween as an excuse to dress too sexy outside, thinking I'm mad enough to wear lingerie around my coworkers! When I told him, no, I just wanted to do something fun, he says he'll discuss it with me later like I'm one of his subordinates at work. He thinks my dressing is the reason I still sometimes get asked out with a ring on, or that my smile is "too flirty", but I am not flirting with people or being too friendly, I just like having a lot of friends, but he won't let me have any male friends. He'll ask why I need them.
If I start talking about another man too long, even if it's a hot celebrity, he gets angry, or if he hears me talking on the phone with my faculty friend who teaches fourth grade, he gets violently angry because the guy is sweet on me. I don't like the guy back, never have, and he's clearly not my type, but my husband won't care about that stuff, he'll just break things and buy a new one, but why break things??
We talk compromise all the time, but they're mainly my compromises for him. We moved to Virginia because his family is part owner of a corporation and we need a nice place to have kids. I let slip some of the things about us to a colleague of mine when she wondered why I always leave on the dot right after work, and it's because my husband doesn't see why I have to take my time coming home. It's like he wants to be all of my world and mine all of his, and that sounds nice until it makes me feel stranded on an island with just him. My friend thinks it's just "growing pains" of marriage, but I'm not sure.
This type of controlling behavior almost always gets worse over time. You both need counseling for your marriage, especially your husband. If he refuses, you may have to leave him.
If you're leaving out details like you establishing friendships with other men and getting texted by guys you meet while you're out wearing 'risky' clothing, then I can see his concerns.
Otherwise, yes, he's controlling. He should've realized who he was marrying and that we are not here to change one another.
This could be either a little concerning, or a LOT concerning.
If he's not letting you have friends, that's a major concern. It's one thing to be jealous of a man you talk about, but another to limit your contact to just him. That's something that abusers do. I'm not saying he's abusive, but it's worrying.
Thing is, what's the point? Are you going to leave him over this? Insist on counseling?
And how long were you with him before marriage? How did you not iron all of this out beforehand?
Yes, he is controlling. On the other hand, your behavior is also a concern.
I would be upset if my wife was continually flirting with a guy who she knew "was sweet on her". Couple that with the idea that you tend to dress the same way you did when you were dating and it would tell me that you are still in dating mode. You are actively working to attract other mates.
So, yeah, counseling for the both of you. Anytime conflict turns physical (throwing things, etc.), it's time to get help.
It's likely you are leaving out some key parts of the story to shine a more favorable light your direction. That's not necessarily a criticism - we all do that. I'm just pointing out that we are only getting half the story.
Cant blame a guy for not wanting his wife to dress slutty. Party time and getting attention from other men shouldn't be more important than the vows you made at the altar.
I think your husband is in over his head with a hot and wild Caribbean wife that doesn't want to be tamed nor grow up.
You are a wife now, act accordingly if you want to keep your marriage. Quit the flirting and texting to other men and why would you talk about other guys all the time? Talk about other guys to your girlfriends, not to your husband, it just makes him even more insecure.
I'm a kindergarten aide and my job is okay with my outfits.
That's all well and good- fact is he's not.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rafferty28
If I start talking about another man too long, even if it's a hot celebrity, he gets angry, or if he hears me talking on the phone with my faculty friend who teaches fourth grade, he gets violently angry because the guy is sweet on me. I don't like the guy back, never have, and he's clearly not my type, but my husband won't care about that stuff, he'll just break things and buy a new one, but why break things??
I do not condone the breaking things, but why not respect that he doesn't like you being friendly with a guy who likes you romantically?
From what you've said, it seems like there are some severe boundary issues going on here, on both your parts.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rafferty28
We talk compromise all the time, but they're mainly my compromises for him. We moved to Virginia because his family is part owner of a corporation and we need a nice place to have kids.
So moving to where he would have a good job and a nice place to raise kids was a compromise on your part how?
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