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Hi all, would appreciate some advice on my story – sorry in advance for the long post
we met in graduate school last January. He was excessively shy and for several months I only had hints to go by...we took a class together and used to chat after class. At the end of May I had to travel abroad and before leaving I met him for coffee and ended up chatting for about 5 hours. I found out he had been married and had two children that were with his ex-wife (his ex-wife remarried meanwhile) but he would often spend most weekends with his children. Finally, it was getting late and he suggested walking me home. I didn’t invite him upstairs for obvious reasons - it was too early and I was leaving in two days and had no clue what would happen once I got back. We hugged and kissed before parting and the moment we shared felt incredibly special.
Fast forward, I left the country and got back a few months later. Apparently he had been waiting for my return and I thought we would pick it up from where we had left it. But things were moving slowly - partly because grad school was a hectic time with massive workload for both of us and partly because his shyness made it hard to initiate anything with me. It was mostly myself that would initiate hanging out, however, on many weekends he would be away to see his kids which I fully understood and had no issues with. We had very little time to spend together and get to know each other, however the times we did get to meet were special and very intimate (we never had sex). He often invited me out for dinner, we went on several romantic outings outside town and had most wonderful time together talking for hours and opening up about our lives. He would do things for me even without me asking for help – in spite of being very busy himself, he would make time to be there for me when I needed it. Overall he was mostly too shy to initiate things but he seemed happy to adjust to my ideas/suggestions. The attraction was mutual and beautiful…Once he spent the night at my place but we just cuddled and made out – later on he would refer to that night as an important step in our relationship and something very special to him. After that he started holding hands in public and calling me his girlfriend.
We once had a more serious conversation about the possibility of me getting a job elsewhere in a year or so (since I am the first one to graduate) I replied that I would seek opportunities more or less in the region but that would involve commuting for a while. I added that I was determined to make things work between us at all costs. He seemed fine. Now, looking back, I wonder whether this conversation could have been the start of our crisis. I felt him somewhat more distant and reserved in our interaction. He would disappear for days - no calls, no texts and this would keep me constantly wondering what was going on and whether I did something wrong. We would only get to meet briefly on campus and then he would tell me how busy he was and how many deadlines he had (oh well, dont we all??!) yet I was patient waiting for better times. A few weeks went by and I did not hear from him - at this point, this drama took its toll on me and my work to the point that I could not focus on anything, missed deadlines, etc. After making a few unsuccessful attempts to communicate with him (I tried to initiate meeting a few times but nothing came out of it) and not getting any face time whatsoever, I wrote him an email saying that I was sorry for what was happening, that I cared about him deeply and despite the incredible chemistry we shared, things seem to have gone wrong somewhere and I had no choice than wish him all the best. I felt heart-broken but at the same time I wanted my sanity back. At that point I started wondering whether 1) he liked me but playing mind games with me or 2) he was not that much into me but didn’t have the guts to come out in the open about it and wanted me to do the dirty work for him. He wrote back that he wished me all the best even though he did not quite understand the motives behind my initiative to break things up. (Later on, face-to-face, he said that he deeply cared about me and that meant letting me go if I chose to).
A week later we ran into each other and we both confessed we had been missing each other like crazy and yes, there was a need for better communication to make things work. I left feeling optimistic. But I did not hear from him for another week or so until we crossed paths again. He then acted mad towards me saying that it was all my fault that he had shown up for his meeting (last time we ran into each other and talked) under-prepared, that I was incredibly selfish and did not give a f*** about his deadlines and his work. After that he just left me standing there. I was shocked and felt like crying. I decided that it was time for a heart-to-heart conversation and insisted on meeting that very afternoon. He replied coldly he only had 30 minutes to talk to me; since he was already clear about his position, I would need to do most of the talking. Before meeting him, I decided I would stay calm and positive no matter what. The discussion lasted over two hours. I made clear that I had genuine feelings for him and I would not throw away the special moments we once shared, that all this could be worked out as it was sheer misunderstanding due to lack of communication. Basically I poured my soul out in this conversation - my words could have melted a stone. He was listening to me, acting as if he were barely moved. He questioned my feelings saying that they did not match my actions (he continued to put the blame on me for showing up at his meeting under-prepared which I found odd). His attitude cut through flesh. In the end he said whether I had any solutions for the problems we had because so far I did not come up with anything feasible to work things out. It caught me off guard because I believe finding solutions implies two people willing to talk and move things forward, not one acting single-handedly. He then went on saying that things might not work out between us, he basically did nothing wrong (really?!) but admitted that he could have done things differently. I realized there and then it was pointless to persuade him of the contrary. He appeared to be mad for reasons unknown to me. When we were leaving, he appeared somewhat confused saying that he might regret his decision later or something. He also said he did not hate me, he thought I was a wonderful person to be around but he could not understand me. I replied that I regretted this misunderstanding and wished we could work it out. I also made clear that I would not chase him in the future because that would mean playing silly games for which I neither have the time nor the energy. I left heart-broken and cried my eyes out for days on end.
A few days later I ran into him, he seemed low and depressed. He asked me how I was (which I found foolish given the situation we were in). I mumbled something and then took the other stairs to avoid further conversation. He noticed that. After all, it was him that he chose not to have anything to do with me, despite my attempts towards a reconciliation.
I do blame myself for not having more patience with him in the first place. Perhaps he has been genuine all along but I've failed to understand him – yet, when a man goes no contact for several weeks, it normally means to me he is not interested. During our last discussion, he stressed the fact that he had been interested in me all this time (he gave me some examples to back it up) but did not want to disrupt my hectic schedule and deadlines so he kept a low profile in our interaction; that he was considering a romantic trip with me over the next break, that he wanted to make things work. Do you think his actions match his words? Naturally, I am mad at him for not even trying to work this misunderstanding out, for giving up so easily, for running away at the slightest hint of trouble. On the other hand, he has a very negative marriage experience that may have traumatized him big time (involved cheating, emotional blackmail, etc). His last dating experience before me was a couple of years ago which tells me he will not get involved with a woman just for the sake of it or simply to have sex.
Anyway, it’s been a week of NC and it’s been pretty rough... Even though we have not been intimate, I feel extremely attached to this man and we both agreed that we shared a deep, special connection. Which makes it hard to justify his attitude. Please help me understand what’s going on here. Have I screwed up utterly? Is there any hope for a reconciliation in the future? - I am feeling pretty lost at the moment. Thanks
I would have walked the minute he accused me of being selfish and blaming me for his work problems.
He's an a$$...lashing out and blaming you for his being not prepared or whatever for his meeting. Don't waste another minute on him - it's too bad your paths crossed again by chance because this is not meant to be. Find someone who takes responsibility for his own stuff and don't let a man jerk you around and control you with a few good times followed by completely unacceptable behavior.
You know ... there's "shy," and then there's "emotionally unavailable." This guy is not "shy." He appears to be completely incapable of maintaining an emotional connection with another person, or at least with YOU.
You are giving him WAY to much leeway in this "relationship" and are, for some baffling reason, way too willing to shoulder most of the blame for its demise yourself.
Honestly? It reads like you are only seeing the relationship the way you WISH it was, not the way it actually is.
Look at the facts. Go back and read your post and ignore all the many ways you excuse his horrible behavior. Just look at HIS actions. That is what you need to pay attention to, not your own emotional narrative.
Yes, there were a few red flags in the beginning, but it appears you were willing to write those off as something acceptable to you (his shyness) rather than what they appear to be (signs that he is not able to connect at an emotional level).
He sounds like he has some sort of mental/emotional impairment. He doesn't have feelings for you...or ANYONE but himself. Surely his limitations were clear to you from the start?
You know ... there's "shy," and then there's "emotionally unavailable." This guy is not "shy." He appears to be completely incapable of maintaining an emotional connection with another person, or at least with YOU.
You are giving him WAY to much leeway in this "relationship" and are, for some baffling reason, way too willing to shoulder most of the blame for its demise yourself.
Honestly? It reads like you are only seeing the relationship the way you WISH it was, not the way it actually is.
Look at the facts. Go back and read your post and ignore all the many ways you excuse his horrible behavior. Just look at HIS actions. That is what you need to pay attention to, not your own emotional narrative.
Yes, there were a few red flags in the beginning, but it appears you were willing to write those off as something acceptable to you (his shyness) rather than what they appear to be (signs that he is not able to connect at an emotional level).
Yay!!! I don't have to type anything out. ^^^ This. ^^^
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OP, anyone who says he can't understand you, when you've been open about everything all along, has issues you can't surmount. None of it makes any sense, so just move on. Blaming you for his own lack of preparation for a meeting? Calling you selfish? Ridiculous! When people behave inexplicably and irrationally, it's usually because either there's a hidden agenda, or they have psychological issues.
It didn't work out. He's not the person you thought he was. Grieve, and move on.
P.S. These issues on his part probably have a lot to do with why he has a completely failed relationship that involves kids. You're obviously not the first one to experience his issues.
When you have a couple weeks go by without communication and he's not eagerly trying to get back to you to be with you-- there's obviously nothing there. It's not "drama", it's just distress on your part. Don't bother to waste your time on the WHY. Your "words could've melted a stone"? Not when you're trying to force something that isn't there.
It's the old gotta kiss lot of frogs....remember, you deserve a good guy.
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Calling you selfish? 
Ridiculous! When people behave inexplicably and irrationally, it's usually because either there's a hidden agenda, or they have psychological issues. 
