Taking a break in a relationship :(

[BirdieBelle]

Gab, it's really, really great that you recognize this:

Originally Posted by Gab12

I know I am going from person to person to fill a void and I think about if I had daughters what I would teach them and how I would raise them to be confident and not be super reliant on a man. I'm afraid of raising daughters who will be victims of DV because I know I have put up with a ton in dating guys.. stuff like hitting or pressure to do stuff I didn't want to.

Unfortunately this:

Originally Posted by Gab12

Of course I wouldn't want to teach them that but I would hope that being married I would be more secure and that would make me more stable and able to raise kids. ... hopefully I will find a job immediately after school and continue to live alone (or with a SO)

... indicates that you still believe that "being married" will make you secure.

It won't.

Marriage is not a magic cure. It never makes problems "better," and often makes them worse.

You HAVE to sort out your self-esteem problems now, before you date anyone seriously.

[Gab12]

Originally Posted by Wmsn4Life

Gab, it's really, really great that you recognize this:



Unfortunately this:



... indicates that you still believe that "being married" will make you secure.

It won't.

Marriage is not a magic cure. It never makes problems "better," and often makes them worse.

You HAVE to sort out your self-esteem problems now, before you date anyone seriously.

I definitely thought that being in a relationship would make things better and I would be so happy (and I was so happy to be a girlfriend.. it was amazing to belong to someone else and have someone who cares about me a ton, and I liked that I was like everyone else). At the same time it made things more complicated, I still worried all the time that he would leave me and that made me physically sick. So I kind of got a taste of the idea that it won't be the "cure all". I am working on my self esteem in therapy and that is important to me (which I started shortly before this whole "break" thing) but I feel stuck like I was in a much better place to work on things when I was with this guy now I'm not and I just feel blah about it. I ma motivated but I'm motivated for the wrong reasons it feels.

[BirdieBelle]

Originally Posted by Gab12

I definitely thought that being in a relationship would make things better and I would be so happy (and I was so happy to be a girlfriend.. it was amazing to belong to someone else and have someone who cares about me a ton, and I liked that I was like everyone else). At the same time it made things more complicated, I still worried all the time that he would leave me and that made me physically sick. So I kind of got a taste of the idea that it won't be the "cure all". I am working on my self esteem in therapy and that is important to me (which I started shortly before this whole "break" thing) but I feel stuck like I was in a much better place to work on things when I was with this guy now I'm not and I just feel blah about it. I ma motivated but I'm motivated for the wrong reasons it feels.

I think this article will help you:

Why Self-Compassion Trumps Self-Esteem | Greater Good

A quote:

"Continually feeding our need for positive self-evaluation is a bit like stuffing ourselves with candy. We get a brief sugar high, then a crash. And right after the crash comes a pendulum swing to despair as we realize that—however much we’d like to—we can’t always blame our problems on someone else. We can’t always feel special and above average.
The result is often devastating. Most of us are incredibly hard on ourselves when we finally admit some flaw or shortcoming: “I’m not good enough. I’m worthless.”
And of course, the goalposts for what counts as “good enough” seem always to remain out of reach. No matter how well we do, someone else always seems to be doing it better."

If you can get to that place where YOU feel good about the things that YOU do and STOP feeling like they're not **quite** good enough, you'll be almost there.