Why did he turn from hot to cold (dates, long-term, man)
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I met a man on a dating website. We were talking for a couple weeks before we met and we really hit it off. He was incredibly eager to talk with me and meet me.
Some people are addicted to that initial rush we humans experience when we meet someone who sparks our interest.
The euphoria from that rush can be intoxicating. We refer to these intense feelings as having good "chemistry".
Unfortunately, many people confuse that initial "chemistry" for love and they get hurt in the process when the euphoria fades and the other person quickly moves on to their next high.
You didn't give yourself enough time to get to know the guy. If you did you would've realized he's a "chemistry" junkie - a guy (or girl) who gets high from meeting someone new.
When you left, he came down from his high and he immediately went online seeking his next high.
People like that are inconsiderate and selfish.
Next time, don't be so quick to jump into a relationship. Take things slow. And if he seems to be in a rush, launch him. He's not the right guy for you.
I agree that he most likely reflected on it after I left and reconsidered. I also agree that he could have shown even a small act of consideration in telling me he is re-thinking things instead of leaving me hanging for 24-36 hours without text responses. I think that is the most painful part for me--the indecency of barely being acknowledged after we spent such meaningful time together. I didn't just vaporize into the air-- I'm still the same person that was with him who has feelings. Then the turmoil of me thinking "how could I have not noticed he didn't care about me that much?"
Don't do that to yourself. Do not do it. Just realize it for what it is now so that if you ever experience that again, you will know what it is. I'm sorry that it hurts. I had a guy do something similar...he didn't offer me a key that fast, but he laid it on thick in the beginning, then pulled back, then laid it on thick again, then pulled back, laid it on thick...until I finally cared more about myself than how he made me feel during the good times and said, "No more". Holy hell I hope never to go through anything similar ever again. You have no idea how long I beat myself up for being so stupid, but the reality is, when your emotions are in play, you don't always see clearly. You make mistakes. They can be very painful mistakes. Just learn from it.
Also, wanted to say, someone on the first page said not to be surprised if he pops back up again...that person is exactly right. The person who did it to me, yep, popped up again, putting out feelers. No, that person hurt me so much, there was no chance in hell for him ever again. And seriously, you know they would just do it to you again, so don't when he does pop back up again.
Thank you for your response. Yes, when our emotions are at play, it is hard to see things clearly. I have never had this experience so I wasn't on the lookout. I'm sorry your experience was so painful too. The week that I was hearing from him sporadically (when I saw he was online texting others after reading my text when he used to get back to me in a timely manner) was extremely painful and I never want to go through that again.
Unfortunately, many people confuse that initial "chemistry" for love and they get hurt in the process when the euphoria fades and the other person quickly moves on to their next high.
You didn't give yourself enough time to get to know the guy. If you did you would've realized he's a "chemistry" junkie - a guy (or girl) who gets high from meeting someone new.
When you left, he came down from his high and he immediately went online seeking his next high.
That's a good point. I know that there are some people who are in for meeting new people for a high, but the thing that caught me off guard with him is that he put so much emotion and sensitivity into his "act". I don't see why creating such intense emotional intimacy would be necessary for a high. He didn't have to show me his childhood and family pictures, explain his entire work dynamic, talk about the relationships with his friends to me if he was just on a high. He just went too far doing real, intimate, relationship things for a guy who was only interested in a high. Having said that, he very well could have been in it just for the high and if so, that bordered on sadistic. This is probably the part that confuses me the most- WHY did he have to go that deep? I would have slept with him anyway, I would have dated him anyway, I would have liked him anyway-- but WHY did he have to go so, so deep emotionally, especially if he didn't mean it? : ( This is the devastating part.
Also, just to clarify- I don't know if he went back online on the dating website-- but he has certainly been online on whatssap a lot.
That's a good point. I know that there are some people who are in for meeting new people for a high, but the thing that caught me off guard with him is that he put so much emotion and sensitivity into his "act". I don't see why creating such intense emotional intimacy would be necessary for a high. He didn't have to show me his childhood and family pictures, explain his entire work dynamic, talk about the relationships with his friends to me if he was just on a high. He just went too far doing real, intimate, relationship things for a guy who was only interested in a high. Having said that, he very well could have been in it just for the high and if so, that bordered on sadistic. This is probably the part that confuses me the most- WHY did he have to go that deep? I would have slept with him anyway, I would have dated him anyway, I would have liked him anyway-- but WHY did he have to go so, so deep emotionally, especially if he didn't mean it? : ( This is the devastating part.
Also, just to clarify- I don't know if he went back online on the dating website-- but he has certainly been online on whatssap a lot.
I just had a very similar thing happen to me and 7 weeks later I'm still hurting really bad too--and mine didn't last any longer than yours did and he did and said all that romantic stuff--one day he was being sooo romantic and the next day it was over. I do think he was feeling it. . . but then he wasn't. Ouch ouch ouch--so sorry you're going thru it too. I'm also really thankful for the warnings about these types of guys trying to come back. I will heed--I hope. I guess what makes it hard to steer clear of this sort of thing is that I know plenty of people in great relationships who went every bit as fast and it was fine for them.
I guess what makes it hard to steer clear of this sort of thing is that I know plenty of people in great relationships who went every bit as fast and it was fine for them.
I've noticed that too. I have friends who got married to great men and their relationships started out similarly fast. So I don't know how to use fast in itself as a warning sign. It seems like you may only know when it's too late.
Just out of curiosity Aviva--how old is this man? Mine is 62 and very handsome--didn't you say this man is too? One consolation for us is that we will eventually find what we're looking for but these guys never will.
This guy is 31 (I am 28) and yes very good looking. This whole thing has kind of shaken my confidence in finding a good guy for me. I think I am a quality person, and I found him very appealing-- so it's actually hard for me to believe he cannot fool another quality woman :/ So in a way, I feel like there is no sense of justice here- especially since my "break up text" was really non-accusatory and forgiving.
I've noticed that too. I have friends who got married to great men and their relationships started out similarly fast. So I don't know how to use fast in itself as a warning sign. It seems like you may only know when it's too late.
Fast is always a reason to say to yourself, "keep the emotions in check, do not get swept up in them". That's what I learned. The guy that I knew was 10 years older than me...maybe there's something to that. Anyway, what made mine different is that it lasted quite a bit longer than both of yours. The laying on thick happened about the same amount of time, just about a month or so, then the pulling back lasted about a month. Then laying it on thick again, another month. Then pulling back, another month. etc.
GOD I hate "kiss and tell", but in this case, I will so that you don't beat yourself up like I did. It's not a good place to go. We did nothing more than one can do in public, and that wasn't the connection. It was the emotional connection...that was there...I thought. He was intelligent, had a fantastic sense of humor, challenged my mind, our pun wars over email were something I treasured..as nerdy as that sounds...that's where the connection was, and losing that was painful.
He asked me all kinds of advice, we had amazing conversations, he would hug me hard when I would do/say/predict something that had not crossed his mind...it felt great to have someone that intelligent let you know that they thought you were, as well. It was that connection that made me believe, "wow, I think I just found someone awesome", because honestly, just like you, I had never had that experience before. I don't date a lot, and most of the guys that I have dated...eh...in my 20s I didn't realize that intelligence was at the top of my list over good looks at the time. So...they weren't the brightest of people, and good looks just do not go that far. This was the first time that I had a connection based on intelligence, humor, wit, (God he was witty), and it was so wonderful that I let down all kinds of guards.
We would go do outdoor things and we had a blast. He would go do things with me that others would not do...they were either too lazy or too scared. We could sit and say nothing and have a good time. My GOD this person felt so right.
And the confusion later...this is why I'm telling you not to do this to yourself. You will not find an answer that makes it better. It's not there. You wonder how on earth someone could invest all of that just to walk off as if nothing happened. How?! You're never going to get a satisfactory answer. So again, don't do that to yourself.
I spent months afterwards asking the same questions with no answers. It's not how I think, it's not how you think, it will never make sense. Just know it for what it is, and when someone moves in fast...have fun with it, but do not get swept up in it. As others said, take your time and really get to know who they are before you start to really invest those emotions.
You're right, you never want to feel like that again...it hurts, and it's going to hurt for awhile. To me, the most vulnerable part of me is allowing someone in to see "me", not the physical part of any relationship, so to have someone treat that like they couldn't care less either way, yeah, you can look at the world through sad eyes for a long time if you allow yourself to do that. So don't.
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