Why did he turn from hot to cold (guy, single, younger)
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Tbh akonyo probably just has a chip on his shoulder because he/she is insecure about their own looks.. I think it's preposterous to assume the reason the man stopped communicating was because of the woman's looks.. Even in a case where he moved on to another woman.. That doesn't mean the previous woman was unworthy of his looks or not attractive enough for him..just means another attractive woman was available and he's taking advantage of his options.
I have been in a situation where I was having trouble with a boyfriend and we started fighting a lot.. he was good looking and very outgoing and he ended up cheating on me. Does this mean I wasn't "worthy" of his looks.. No. We were simply having arguments and he had had enough. Quite simple. I even saw the woman he cheated with because this was back when I still used Facebook frequently..and she wasn't any more attractive than me, we were about equally attractive.
Some people are scared of being alone and always have to have someone to get away from themselves. Your guy might be such a person. What I find cowardly is the complete disregard of your feelings or the time you spent together. The least he could have done, was to explain how he was feeling and end things on a decent note. Unfortunately, hindsight is a wonderful thing and some people are so emotionally unaware that they don't realise the trail of destruction they leave in their paths!
I was involved with a guy for a while who was always begging me to come over, though I had my own things to do at home, liking my independence. I was in an apartment and he had a house with a pool, jaccuzi.. always luring me to come stay, besides the weekend. At some point he wanted me to move in. I did not. I would think, "He really likes my company". Well, one day, his not-so-nice sister pointed out how he "just doesn't like being alone". (It would be helpful if people didn't have ulterior motives).
At some point, he had gone on a business trip and met someone else (which I knew, since I'd had a precognitve dream of - really) and then, asked this woman to come out to live with him, which she did, then left him 6 months later for another guy (what goes around...)
Glad I hadn't taken his wanting me live with him seriously. (And as you say, it is amazing, the lack of self-awareness that exists and the trail wreckage they can create).
(OHhh... I could fill a book... any wonder why I gave it all up??)
It's amazing...there is such a limited focus by some regarding "equality in looks" or a "rating system", when the reality is, it means zero. Not saying that one should not find another appealing to them, but the severely emotionally flawed are the severely emotionally flawed, doesn't matter what's on the outside.
It sounds like you two were shooting out of your league. This is normal for women online, but if you aim too far out of your league, you're likely to get burned.
Perhaps focus more on the man's inner qualities and less on his looks and you will find that good men are everywhere (and are the vast majority of men online).
Your riduculous "leagues" have nothing to do with this thread. Please take your bitterness elsewhere.
That's a good point. I know that there are some people who are in for meeting new people for a high, but the thing that caught me off guard with him is that he put so much emotion and sensitivity into his "act". I don't see why creating such intense emotional intimacy would be necessary for a high. He didn't have to show me his childhood and family pictures, explain his entire work dynamic, talk about the relationships with his friends to me if he was just on a high. He just went too far doing real, intimate, relationship things for a guy who was only interested in a high. Having said that, he very well could have been in it just for the high and if so, that bordered on sadistic. This is probably the part that confuses me the most- WHY did he have to go that deep? I would have slept with him anyway, I would have dated him anyway, I would have liked him anyway-- but WHY did he have to go so, so deep emotionally, especially if he didn't mean it? : ( This is the devastating part.
Also, just to clarify- I don't know if he went back online on the dating website-- but he has certainly been online on whatssap a lot.
I once dated a guy who's best friend used to call him almost every time he went on a date with a new woman and tell him "I'm in love, I'm gonna marry this girl". He did this so often that it was like the boy who cried wolf, that when he did actually meet the woman he would marry nobody believed him, we all just sighed and were like "yea, yea".
Point being, this guy truly believed he found the one every one of those times, even though it was apparent to everyone around him that that wasn't the case. Guys like this want to create an insta-relationship so they share intimate things about themselves right away, in order to create emotional intimacy quickly which is needed in a relationship.
It sounds like you two were shooting out of your league. This is normal for women online, but if you aim too far out of your league, you're likely to get burned.
Perhaps focus more on the man's inner qualities and less on his looks and you will find that good men are everywhere (and are the vast majority of men online).
Did you buy him a car? Did you move to another state to be with him? Did you have his children?
I would try to put things into perspective.
The fact is you knew him for a couple of weeks. And although you both hit it off (from the way it sounds), he lost interest. You weren't dating for months on end or years. You weren't engaged.
We live in a fallen world with fallen people. You placed too much emotionally into this temporary relationship in hopes that it would lead to more. And while you were feeling great things and hoping that he would reciprocate, he simply did what he wanted to do. We will never know why he didn't respond or act the way we acted. This is a fact.
I'm sorry this happened to you. But, let him go. If he's irresponsible/unresponsive now, he's showing you who he is. You don't want or need that, honestly.
It sounds like you two were shooting out of your league. This is normal for women online, but if you aim too far out of your league, you're likely to get burned.
Perhaps focus more on the man's inner qualities and less on his looks and you will find that good men are everywhere (and are the vast majority of men online).
Oh p*ss off Akonyo. Yes he probably was out of my league looks-wise but I wasn't shooting out of my league--he had the worst pictures possible of him posted on his profile and I was shocked when he got out of his truck that day and I saw how good looking he was. But generally if people aren't attracted to your looks they don't start to date you at all and he kept telling me how cute I was. And if it was just about looks and sex, then why did he seem to invest so much emotionally?
The fact is that there was major chemistry there that day--for me this has happened maybe 5 times in my entire life and I'm old. Now I wonder how much this happens for him but I get the feeling that he goes from one to another. One clue I had on that was shortly before he broke it off, and he was visiting his family at Thanksgiving so he called me 3x/day during that time and I asked him if he'd told his family about me. He said that he hadn't b/c he'd been thru this so many times that he spares them the details now. That was honestly my first red flag--everything up to that point had been green flags and all flags said go.
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Originally Posted by In2itive_1
It's amazing...there is such a limited focus by some regarding "equality in looks" or a "rating system", when the reality is, it means zero. Not saying that one should not find another appealing to them, but the severely emotionally flawed are the severely emotionally flawed, doesn't matter what's on the outside.
I agree with this, but the very good-looking can fly from one to another much more easily and when they're like this they're less likely to be satisfied with anyone less than perfect and I don't mean just looks.
This thread has helped me too--one thing I've gotten out of this is that this type of scenario happens more often than I realized and I can stop blaming myself now. I can also stop puzzling over it now--I doubt the man could even tell me what was going on in his head. I do believe now that he was sincere but for whatever reason, it just turned off for him. Here's what's strange about the end--on a Saturday we had the best date ever--went on a long, long hike and then went back to his house and made dinner and laid down right afterwards to take a nap, and when he got up from his nap he was all out of sorts and at that point I now know it was all over in his mind. Did he have a bad dream about me? I'll never know.
For those who've said don't get emotionally invested that quickly--yes I'll be more careful next time, but if someone can tell me how to turn off my feelings voluntarily, I'd like to know the formula. Though in fact, my heart is not that open normally--I tend to be very cagy. I honestly thought I'd found "the one"
Tbh akonyo probably just has a chip on his shoulder because he/she is insecure about their own looks..
I wouldn't say that I have a chip on my shoulder, per se. I don't like having limitations, but I do, just like OP and many of the other women in this thread.
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I think it's preposterous to assume the reason the man stopped communicating was because of the woman's looks.. Even in a case where he moved on to another woman.. That doesn't mean the previous woman was unworthy of his looks or not attractive enough for him..just means another attractive woman was available and he's taking advantage of his options.
In general, if you have a man that's doing these kinds of things, it's usually because he has higher value than the woman (and the same if the situation was reversed). I don't make the rules. Don't kill the messenger.
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I have been in a situation where I was having trouble with a boyfriend and we started fighting a lot.. he was good looking and very outgoing and he ended up cheating on me. Does this mean I wasn't "worthy" of his looks.. No. We were simply having arguments and he had had enough. Quite simple. I even saw the woman he cheated with because this was back when I still used Facebook frequently..and she wasn't any more attractive than me, we were about equally attractive.
You and her were equally attractive in your estimation. Many women tend to overvalue themselves when it comes to dating. Much of this is caused by OLD, which is pretty much a man catalog for women.
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Originally Posted by newdixiegirl
Your riduculous "leagues" have nothing to do with this thread. Please take your bitterness elsewhere.
Leagues are a valid point here. If a woman is shooting out of her league, the men will value them less (which appears to be what's happening here).
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Originally Posted by bebe182
Soooo women should date unattractive men????
No. Just realize that if the guy is attractive, he probably has many many options. Women tend to have the same "type" and, especially online, women are extremely superficial. Chances are these same really good-looking men are getting multiple messages from many women. They take advantage of this, come on strong, sleep with the woman, and ditch.
Common sense here, ladies.
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Originally Posted by stepka
Oh p*ss off Akonyo. Yes he probably was out of my league looks -wise but I wasn't shooting out of my league--he had the worst pictures possible of him posted on his profile and I was shocked when he got out of his truck that day and I saw how good looking he was. But generally if people aren't attracted to your looks they don't start to date you at all and he kept telling me how cute I was. And if it was just about looks and sex, then why did he seem to invest so much emotionally?
There's nothing more that needs to be said past the bolded, but I will answer your question anyway.
For many men, it's not really that much effort to "invest emotionally". I've talked to women everyday for over a month before. Multiple times. And I had no real investment in them. I was just bored.
That's one possibility.
Another is that he was simply trying to get you into bed (I don't do this, but I know many men that do) and was doing what needed to be done to get to that point.
Quote:
The fact is that there was major chemistry there that day --for me this has happened maybe 5 times in my entire life and I'm old. Now I wonder how much this happens for him but I get the feeling that he goes from one to another. One clue I had on that was shortly before he broke it off, and he was visiting his family at Thanksgiving so he called me 3x/day during that time and I asked him if he'd told his family about me. He said that he hadn't b/c he'd been thru this so many times that he spares them the details now. That was honestly my first red flag--everything up to that point had been green flags and all flags said go.
One thing I find a bit odd is that so many women say things like this "there was major chemistry there" as if it's an objective statement. In reality, you felt chemistry. It sounds like he didn't. This has happened to me multiple times (I've been on both ends). Just because you feel like something is happening doesn't mean that it actually is.
Quote:
I agree with this, but the very good-looking can fly from one to another much more easily and when they're like this they're less likely to be satisfied with anyone less than perfect and I don't mean just looks.
This thread has helped me too--one thing I've gotten out of this is that this type of scenario happens more often than I realized and I can stop blaming myself now. I can also stop puzzling over it now--I doubt the man could even tell me what was going on in his head. I do believe now that he was sincere but for whatever reason, it just turned off for him. Here's what's strange about the end--on a Saturday we had the best date ever--went on a long, long hike and then went back to his house and made dinner and laid down right afterwards to take a nap, and when he got up from his nap he was all out of sorts and at that point I now know it was all over in his mind. Did he have a bad dream about me? I'll never know.
For those who've said don't get emotionally invested that quickly--yes I'll be more careful next time, but if someone can tell me how to turn off my feelings voluntarily, I'd like to know the formula. Though in fact, my heart is not that open normally--I tend to be very cagy. I honestly thought I'd found "the one"
I think both you and OP should try dating more average looking men and see what happens. Sometimes you need to try different things if you want different results.
I wouldn't say that I have a chip on my shoulder, per se. I don't like having limitations, but I do, just like OP and many of the other women in this thread.
In general, if you have a man that's doing these kinds of things, it's usually because he has higher value than the woman (and the same if the situation was reversed). I don't make the rules. Don't kill the messenger.
You and her were equally attractive in your estimation. Many women tend to overvalue themselves when it comes to dating. Much of this is caused by OLD, which is pretty much a man catalog for women.
Leagues are a valid point here. If a woman is shooting out of her league, the men will value them less (which appears to be what's happening here).
No. Just realize that if the guy is attractive, he probably has many many options. Women tend to have the same "type" and, especially online, women are extremely superficial. Chances are these same really good-looking men are getting multiple messages from many women. They take advantage of this, come on strong, sleep with the woman, and ditch.
Common sense here, ladies.
There's nothing more that needs to be said past the bolded, but I will answer your question anyway.
For many men, it's not really that much effort to "invest emotionally". I've talked to women everyday for over a month before. Multiple times. And I had no real investment in them. I was just bored.
That's one possibility.
Another is that he was simply trying to get you into bed (I don't do this, but I know many men that do) and was doing what needed to be done to get to that point.
One thing I find a bit odd is that so many women say things like this "there was major chemistry there" as if it's an objective statement. In reality, you felt chemistry. It sounds like he didn't. This has happened to me multiple times (I've been on both ends). Just because you feel like something is happening doesn't mean that it actually is.
I think both you and OP should try dating more average looking men and see what happens. Sometimes you need to try different things if you want different results.
Im sorry but that's just a load of bs....sad you think this way.
Btw I've dated both very good looking and average looking men, and your statements do not hold true. I once dated a guy who was so unattractive, nobody understood why I was with him and he treated me like crap! I've also dated very good looking guys who treated me like gold, so in short looks have nothing to do with this.
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That was honestly my first red flag--everything up to that point had been green flags and all flags said go. 
