My friend did it again.... (Relationship patterns) (dating, how to, marriage)
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So my friend really wants to get married and have kids. But she keeps picking the wrong guy, knows it, and sticks around.
She spent 8 years in a relationship with someone who she had unreconcilable religious difference with. He wanted kids in his religion and she didn't want to convert. She also spent that time living in a city she hated to stay with him.
A few months ago she started dating someone good on paper. But the more she said, the more I thought it wouldn't work. This guy wants kids,my hey we're the same religion. But he wanted to settle in a city she didn't like. And she would have no friends or ties. He didn't want to compromise on location over the long term.
But she kept dating him thinking they could get over this stuff. Now they broke up. She is upset and wants it to work (the chemistry!), but even if they dated and hit more serious they had philosophical differences on where to raise kids.
She wasted more time with another unsuitable guy.
She is picky, and has a list (key requirements on job, income and religion) but I hate for her to be unhappy by picking the wrong person for too long!
It is almost self-sabatoging, because these critical differences come up right away in the relationship. Instead of jumping ship, she stays hoping the guy will change his mind or compromise.
So my friend really wants to get married and have kids. But she keeps picking the wrong guy, knows it, and sticks around.
She spent 8 years in a relationship with someone who she had unreconcilable religious difference with. He wanted kids in his religion and she didn't want to convert. She also spent that time living in a city she hated to stay with him.
A few months ago she started dating someone good on paper. But the more she said, the more I thought it wouldn't work. This guy wants kids,my hey we're the same religion. But he wanted to settle in a city she didn't like. And she would have no friends or ties. He didn't want to compromise on location over the long term.
But she kept dating him thinking they could get over this stuff. Now they broke up. She is upset and wants it to work (the chemistry!), but even if they dated and hit more serious they had philosophical differences on where to raise kids.
She wasted more time with another unsuitable guy.
She is picky, and has a list (key requirements on job, income and religion) but I hate for her to be unhappy by picking the wrong person for too long!
It is almost self-sabotaging, because these critical differences come up right away in the relationship. Instead of jumping ship, she stays hoping the guy will change his mind or compromise.
It's annoying when people get into a relationship thinking their partner will change their mind, or compromise on a pretty important issue.
Unfortunately, I don't really think there's much you can do to help your friend.
I know as a friend it kills you to see someone that's not right for them, particularly my girl friends but ultimately it's there choice Jade.
As for your friend I have one also that is just as picky but on silly things like hair colour and what car they drive ( ) but he knows that it's not important and be changed ( again ). But that's just silly things and not important things like religion, job etc that can't or won't be changed.
But in short I think she's " shooting herself in the foot " but again it's her choice.
The irony is you are hoping to change your friend (who tries to change men). Although I suspect you realize you can't change people since you didn't ask how to change her. I just get the impression you are hoping you can.
I wish there was something you could do too, but unless your friend is willing to change her ways, there isn't much you can do but be the shoulder to cry on when it doesn't work out.
She wants these guys to change to suit her. What is she willing to change about herself?
That's one of the problems. She likes a certain type of urban lifestyle. Then she compromises and lives in the wrong kind of city and ends up being unhappy! Now she is in a perfect city for her, so all she needs is a guy who wants to stay there! The last one wanted to move to a place that she visited and didn't like. She would have been a bird in a gilded cage and she likes to be independent and do her own stuff. She would have had no friends, no support system and would have been very isolated. Which is why I didn't like this guy she was dating. She wouldn't have been able to do her interests.
She is adaptable, so she would tough it out, but she wouldn't thrive. Right now she is living her perfect life besides being married with kids.
I don't see how you can say she wasted her time with the second guy. It was only a few months. That's the point of dating, to learn about what the other person wants, what you have in common, and also what differences you have and whether they are workable. They learned, their differences were irreconcilable, they broke up. That's normal, if disappointing.
And obviously she learned from her mistake with the first guy, or she'd pack up and go with the second.
Maybe you should focus on those things instead, because it seems she's actually going in the right direction.
As for you thinking you know where she would thrive and where she wouldn't, that's not your place to tell her. It's good that you care about her well-being, but I think you need to keep some perspective here: It's up to her to decide whether the joy and happiness she would get from a marriage and family would outweigh living in a place that's not her first choice. It may well be.
I don't see how you can say she wasted her time with the second guy. It was only a few months. That's the point of dating, to learn about what the other person wants, what you have in common, and also what differences you have and whether they are workable. They learned, their differences were irreconcilable, they broke up. That's normal, if disappointing.
And obviously she learned from her mistake with the first guy, or she'd pack up and go with the second.
Maybe you should focus on those things instead, because it seems she's actually going in the right direction.
As for you thinking you know where she would thrive and where she wouldn't, that's not your place to tell her. It's good that you care about her well-being, but I think you need to keep some perspective here: It's up to her to decide whether the joy and happiness she would get from a marriage and family would outweigh living in a place that's not her first choice. It may well be.
I am not a meddler, but we had a big convo about it before they went totally exclusive. Pros and cons. At the end the only pro was they got along well.
In a nutshell he wasn't that great. He went dark for 3 weeks while they were casually dating (he went on vacation, and didn't really tell her)! But then complained they weren't exclusive! He caused way too much heartache for a short term relationship in my book! The going dark thing was the nail in the coffin for me.
But even without all of that, it was doomed pretty early. Basically if she would have followed him she would have to give up her main career (which she lives) and he wasn't willing to time-share in her home country or where they both currently live. And she has zero ties to his home country and doesn't speak the language. So basically she'd be trapped alone without work, hobbies, or friends nearby if she moved! Definitely no space for thriving at all!
The long term guy she dated before, she at least got to do some of the things that define her, and didn't have a huge cultural gap to deal with. Wasn't ideal for her, but it was a workable place.
She is a lot happier now in her current city than she was in the one she lived in before, because she has easy access to the cultural stuff she cares about. That is important to her and always has been!
My role in all of this is to be a supportive friend and listening ear from a distance (we don't live close!).
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) but he knows that it's not important and be changed ( again 
