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I'm more of an expert than a lot of people in this thread. I didn't enter or leave relationships for superficial reasons. I also didn't get divorced or set up a broken/single family home for a child.
No, you aren't. You simply aren't. You are too narrow minded to be an expert. You aren't open to seeing anything else but your own experiences. And you saying that every single other person except for you leaves relationships for superficial reasons doesn't really give you much credibility as being an expert.
I've been happily married for over 10 years. I've loved 3 men in my life. It didn't work out with 2 of them. One of them, I am still very close friends with. But I guess you are much more of an expert on love and relationships than me since I'm obviously a liar since I'm not you and you are the only honest person in the world.
I don't hate my ex. I did hate her for the couple of years before the divorce. But at the time of divorce, to me, she didn't matter. No love - no hate - she just didn't matter. She still doesn't matter.
Same here...either it was one explosive, non-livable thing (or a series of them), such as an affair or drug use or abuse (and especially if abuse of the children were happening), or some giant mega-lie like the person had a gambling problem and that's where the money kept disappearing to (and the person was unable to change or unwilling to), or it was a slow and painful erosion over time of many things and often the divorce came after they'd tried a variety of resuscitation methods, such as counseling, AA or what-have-you.
I don't know that I know anyone who literally says they "just fell out of love" all of a sudden and therefore, they divorced, upheaved the kids' lives, spent thousands on attorneys, had to sell the house and so on based on a "meh, I fell out of love, just not into it so I guess I'll jet" whim. I suppose such instances must exist; there are, after all, irresponsible people in the world. But then again, one can find one or more examples of anything outrageous; that doesn't make it the norm or the overwhelming majority by any means.
Now. When a person is literally asked "Why did you divorce?" and s/he doesn't feel it's the asker's right to hear 20 years worth of personal angst and every step taken along the way in an attempt to save the ship, YES, then that person might SAY to the asker, "We fell out of love...it's a long story" or whatever, because who the hell has the time to outline years of one's life and who even wants to, most of the time? That's private information. It's also a quick way to get a nosy person off one's back, I'd imagine. Because how the hell is it that person's business? In that case I'm just going to give you a throw-away line and quickly change the subject. That doesn't mean I'm casual about the whole thing or that it was all simple, it means YOU are not privy to access to my personal life, my former marriage or my feelings, so back the flark off.
Also, the person might just be protecting the ex. Not all divorces or horrific and ugly. Or you might be protecting yourself, your dignity. Rather than saying "Well, he cheated on me because he couldn't stand my aging body and he was feeling insecure about his own aging, and it hurt me horribly and now I think he's a son of a b---," you might say, "We just grew apart."
But all of this doesn't mean it's impossible to stop loving someone nor that the two never loved each other. That's just plain silliness and makes no sense whatsoever.
Why would you tell someone you were divorced if you didn't want to discuss it. There's lots of things I don't care to discuss, but I don't bring them up in causal conversation. It's like I said, we live in a no accountability era. I.e I did it, because I wanted to and it blew up in my face, BUT YOU HAVE NO RIGHT to question me era. Also, why we have tattoo removal. This is really the best analogy. I'm an adult and I can get any tattoo I want. Maybe you dhould think about it. No, there's always tattoo removal...
No, you aren't. You simply aren't. You are too narrow minded to be an expert. You aren't open to seeing anything else but your own experiences. And you saying that every single other person except for you leaves relationships for superficial reasons doesn't really give you much credibility as being an expert.
I've been happily married for over 10 years. I've loved 3 men in my life. It didn't work out with 2 of them. One of them, I am still very close friends with. But I guess you are much more of an expert on love and relationships than me since I'm obviously a liar since I'm not you and you are the only honest person in the world.
Why would you tell someone you were divorced if you didn't want to discuss it. There's lots of things I don't care to discuss, but I don't bring them up in causal conversation. It's like I said, we live in a no accountability era. I.e I did it, because I wanted to and it blew up in my face, BUT YOU HAVE NO RIGHT to question me era. Also, why we have tattoo removal. This is really the best analogy. I'm an adult and I can get any tattoo I want. Maybe you dhould think about it. No, there's always tattoo removal...
Err, because people ask one another's marital status all the time for like a billion different reasons?
You say we live in a no accountability era. I say EVERYBODY says that...about everyone else, naturally, not themselves, which is both logistically and statistically impossible. You are not illustrating faults in others, you are illustrating the tendency of some people to entirely discount others' choices by deliberately not seeing facts and logic. That's how a five year old thinks. "Why does the teacher look angry today?" "Because she's bad and mean." "Well, what if actually, she has stuff going on? What if her child yelled in her face this morning? What if her dog died? What if she doesn't feel well? What if she has cancer? What if she just found out there will be no pay raise this year?" (Five-year-old thinks for a moment and then answers: ) "Hmm...no. Nope, she's just bad and mean."
Mature people don't think this way. We realize that there is nearly always more to a given story than meets the eye. But mature people take this one step further. We EMPATHIZE which extends our own complexity to an understanding that others go through stuff just as we do...and that's why we don't see life as "I'm great....but the whole rest of the world is peopled with losers."
You believe that nobody ever falls out of love because you haven't been able to. I'm telling you that everyone is different and you don't know what is in other people's hearts. You dismiss everyone else as being shallow or a liar. And yet you don't see this as narrow minded?
You believe that nobody ever falls out of love because you haven't been able to. I'm telling you that everyone is different and you don't know what is in other people's hearts. You dismiss everyone else as being shallow or a liar. And yet you don't see this as narrow minded?
I'd almost postulate that the OP is the one who doesn't know what love is/has falsely loved as she is still in love with someone who simply is not reciprocating. She is loving what was, not what is, and that's fantasy, not actual love.
It's possible that this is a case of obsession, which is not love. It may even be be avoidance (of a real, current relationship). Also not love.
This could explain why you don't understand how actual relationships work, OP.
I'd almost postulate that the OP is the one who doesn't know what love is/has falsely loved as she is still in love with someone who simply is not reciprocating. She is loving what was, not what is, and that's fantasy, not actual love.
It's possible that this is a case of obsession, which is not love. It may even be be avoidance (of a real, current relationship). Also not love.
This could explain why you don't understand how actual relationships work, OP.
I agree. She's just been hurt and can't seem to let go.
She's doing this to herself though, she could easily talk to someone and address why can't let something go that ended a while ago.
It's her choice. In situations like these, some people try to find someone or something to blame when no one is at fault. She and that guy had a good run. It's over. Accept it and go on with your life, OP:
Now. When a person is literally asked "Why did you divorce?" and s/he doesn't feel it's the asker's right to hear 20 years worth of personal angst and every step taken along the way in an attempt to save the ship, YES, then that person might SAY to the asker, "We fell out of love...it's a long story" or whatever, because who the hell has the time to outline years of one's life and who even wants to, most of the time? That's private information. It's also a quick way to get a nosy person off one's back, I'd imagine. Because how the hell is it that person's business? In that case I'm just going to give you a throw-away line and quickly change the subject. That doesn't mean I'm casual about the whole thing or that it was all simple, it means YOU are not privy to access to my personal life, my former marriage or my feelings, so back the flark off.
i am divorced. i just always say "it didn't work out" to anyone who asks why. which is rare, to be honest. the only person who would ask why would be a potential significant other in a dating situation and that would be what i would say. it didn't work out. until and unless there was a time when more information would come out. there is really no need for anyone to know any more than that unless i wanted to offer up more information. and i am a very private person, so that wouldn't happen anyway.
I'm more of an expert than a lot of people in this thread. I didn't enter or leave relationships for superficial reasons. I also didn't get divorced or set up a broken/single family home for a child.
So, if you were married to a spouse who later became abusive, you'd continue to stay married? You'd still be in love with your abuser? That's ridiculous.
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