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I'm hoping for some perspective and advice on this. But I know it's a forum and the whole story isn't completely represented, but at least it's a start
So, I went through my guys phone. I found out that he had been texting his last ex a lot when we first started hanging out/dating.
Here's a timeline:
We started hanging out in January, he always said and acted like I was the only one, but he was texting her up until middle of June. We had started getting intimate in mid May. I found the texts last August. They lasted from February until mid June.
I know, I know, it's been a long time, because it is May of the next year, but I can't get over it.
Here's some of their texting details. She would ask him if he is in a relationship and he would say no, he would text her when he was drunk and ask her to come over and he would pay for gas, she would send him naked pictures of herself... She is really beautiful, has a perfect body and totally flaunts it....she is just one of those classic big boob, small waisted little… whatever. Basically, this whole thing has made me even more insecure than I already am.
I completely flipped out on him at the time when I found that stuff. We were on a road trip so the last few days of it were basically a nightmare. I broke up with him for about three weeks when we got back. I messaged her on Facebook and told her what was going on. She had no clue. And she deleted him off of Facebook right away. I wanted to get a hold of her to let her know, and also to create distance between him and I.
Three weeks later, we were hanging out again. My family doesn't know anything about our relationship besides that we are together, but my brother has never liked him for some reason. My brother was just so mean and judgmental the last time that I talked to him that I just decided to live with my current boyfriend full-time. (My brother and I were both living at our parents his house at the time.) I basically made the choice of not wanting to be around my family because they were never that welcoming towards my boyfriend.
Now, I am living with my boyfriend, but this past stuff keeps coming up. I saved the dates they were texting, I saved a lot of the pictures of her, I took pictures of their texts ... I check her Facebook a lot… I know it's not healthy. This whole thing has made me not feel good about myself, and it also makes me get angry at him a decent amount. I started smoking again after I found out about it all last August, and it took me about six months to quit. I drink a decent amount too. Not like drunk or anything, but it helps numb life a little at least, and makes me happy to be around him. But, I can also turn on me, and old emotions can come up when I drink too. I know it's not good for my health, physically or emotionally.
The past couple weeks he has been going through health issues. We don't know what's wrong. I feel like I do want to break up… I mean, I don't, but I do… it's hard. I feel like he makes me a better person in a lot of ways... I learn a lot from him. I like the way he interacts with people, and his positivity... But this other stuff just eats at me....
Should I wait until after the health issues are cleared up? He tends to be really sensitive in general. I am afraid that if I break up, he won't be able to cope. He says he is different now, that I have made him a better person, that he would be able to deal with a breakup a lot better this time, but I just don't really know. (We have brought it up recently)
Orrrr should I work on counseling with him??
I do think the real issue here is self-love. I should probably work on that but I don't know what someone who loved themselves would do in my position.
All right, look...beyond the fact that he's obviously still into her, right down to lying to her about not seeing you, here's the standard advice I give about snooping.
IMO (and ONLY in my opinion), if you feel the need to snoop (and you're pretty stable emotionally otherwise) then your gut is telling you something. Even without the knowledge of him texting her drunk, seeking her out and telling her you two aren't together, it's my feeling that if your radar is beeping then there's a reason. That reason may not be outright cheating, per se. But something is wrong in paradise.
What I would do is I would break things off with this guy. I would give him PLENTY of space to decide whether he wanted to be with me. It wouldn't HAVE to be me...but if it was...it would have to be just me.
And that's it.
I just don't believe in snooping. If you're feeling weirded out you're still going to feel weirded out even if you find no "incriminating evidence," and if you DO find incriminating evidence you're going to be heartbroken. Either way, something is up and it's time to pull back...or in my opinion it is.
And never...I mean NEVER, ever get into a guy-contest with a girl. He thinks he "might" want her? Have at it, chief. She's all yours and vice versa, I'm off to find a less stressful relationship.
First, quit snooping where you don't belong then act surprised when you find something.
Second, it is not your place to contact the ex girlfriend.
Third, you should have broke up with him before you started snooping.
Fourth, the only reason this stuff *eats at you* is because you snooped, you allow it to bother you yet you did it to yourself voluntarily.
Why would you go to counseling with a boyfriend? Just move on and find someone you don't feel the need to snoop into their things.
Honestly, I think when people are first dating, they don't owe the new person much, that is called casual dating....should he not have been texting the ex, maybe, but again there shouldn't be much commitment those first months. I think you should break up, because you obviously will never trust him. You should not stay with someone because you think they can't cope if you leave, not a good reason. You should stay if YOU generally want to stay, and feel you can be happy. In future, please don't snoop through phones, no good ever comes of it.
I guess for the future though… Would you recommend that anytime I get a weird feeling, that I need to back off from the relationship a bit or break up? That would be a hard one for myself (or the person I am in a relationship with) to digest.
I guess for the future though… Would you recommend that anytime I get a weird feeling, that I need to back off from the relationship a bit or break up? That would be a hard one for myself (or the person I am in a relationship with) to digest.
No...that's why I said this is provided you're stable/emotionally okay overall. I mean for a person who is paranoid or insecure, that person will constantly be getting negative feelings of insecurity even when they're entirely unwarranted...you know? And that's unfair because then you're judging a potentially trustworthy, good person for something he never did and was never about to do. So if you feel you have insecurity issues, maybe you can see someone about that. It's not rare.
I guess I meant...such strong feelings of "something's not right" that you'd be tempted to break someone's privacy and look through this phone. I can't tell you where a cutoff between "healthy concern" and "paranoia" is, every person is an individual. But in MY experience if I have felt that seriously off-kilter about a relationship, something really was off.
And also, yeah, maybe no commitment in the first several months, but to lie about it? To her AND to me? That doesn't seem ok to me.
Sweetie, then this is your answer. It's just not right and you're never going to be comfortable with things this way (few people would be).
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