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Not sure why you would go to the extreme, break up with him, contact the ex girl . . . and then just get back together with him. How can you even trust he hasn't been talking to her about any of this?! More than likely he'll want to keep her around as a soft place to land when you go off again..
I don't agree with the "don't snoop and be upset with what you find"
If you snoop and find something, all the POWER TO YOU. A person deserves to know about the lies being told to them. Don't ever feel bad for finding information being kept from you while you are trying to be in a relationship.
People who are doing bad things always want "privacy" so they can screw whoever they want behind your back and when you find out they can make you feel bad about it.
He's getting nudes from his ex... come on. Do you really need advice on what to do ?
I don't agree with the "don't snoop and be upset with what you find"
If you snoop and find something, all the POWER TO YOU. A person deserves to know about the lies being told to them. Don't ever feel bad for finding information being kept from you while you are trying to be in a relationship.
Yeah, if you don't have anything to hide, why would snooping be bad? It will show if you're trustworthy, or not.
I don't really agree with snooping, but I do!! Every time I have snooped, I have found something. And it sucks bc it perpetuates this cycle.
I told him I would want to know if he hung out with any of his ex girlfriends (him and I work with another one-- I know, I know, don't date coworkers...), but the last time I snooped, a couple months ago, I saw texts with this ex we work with. She said "I love you" he said "I love you" (just once each), and he said thanks for the ride home. He is a very loving person, says I love you to a lot of people, but STILL! We agreed he would tell me next time they hung out! I know it's only a car ride, but I don't trust him!
It would be be really nice to feel secure in a relationship and not feel like I have to do this snooping thing every once in awhile, or at all.
Yeah, if you don't have anything to hide, why would snooping be bad? It will show if you're trustworthy, or not.
I don't really agree with snooping, but I do!! Every time I have snooped, I have found something. And it sucks bc it perpetuates this cycle.
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Not having anything to hide is NOT the point. I would never ever ever snoop through my husbands phone or email or anything. And if he did to me, I would be royally annoyed. I am not out cheating, not doing bad things, but I have a right to have private conversations. I shouldn't have to "prove" I am trustworthy by having someone look through my phone. If you trust someone, trust them, if you don't, then don't. If you are dating people you feel the need to snoop on, the problem is you and the types you are dating. if my husband had wanted me to prove I was not hiding anything when we were first dating and snooped, I would have broken up with him. I want to be with someone who fully trusts me, whether its with my phone, with my email, with my life, when I go out of town with friends.
He did lie to both of you, which is weak. So you know what you need to do. You won't be able to get past this, and it sounds like you should just move on. If you do end this, take a break for dating, try to get happy with yourself, and if you start dating again, take things slow, really get to know the person, don't expect to be someone's " one and only" so fast. I am sorry you are going through all this.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,936 posts, read 36,974,024 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rainbowdots
Yeah, if you don't have anything to hide, why would snooping be bad?
Because you are saying you don't trust the person. That you are inherently mistrustful of the person you are with, and they need to prove themselves to you. That isn't healthy. If you don't trust the person you're dating, end it, don't snoop.
I sure the heck hope we (assuming you're a U.S. citizen) wouldn't be saying "I have nothing to hide, go ahead and look officer" or that it is ok for the government to snoop without probable cause, because you don't have anything to hide.
Quote:
Originally Posted by rainbowdots
It would be be really nice to feel secure in a relationship and not feel like I have to do this snooping thing every once in awhile, or at all.
Thank you SO MUCH, everyone. I appreciate the honesty, the toughness, etc. I know I need better self-esteem, that's why I have kept myself in this for so long. I could say that its bc I love him, but I know the REAL root is probably self-esteem. That's why we got back together, he weaseled his way back in, I let him. He's charming and hes comfortable. And by staying with him, he reminds me that I can't stick up for myself. I can get mad all I want, but leaving him would be me really sticking up for myself.
I have been trying to get over this, but it's been a decent amount of time, and I can't. So I probably need to move on. And I JUST found an hour ago out he doesn't have super intense heath issues, so I don't need to worry about his health and holding on bc of that... so thank you powers that be... Oh jeez haha now he just texted me saying his doctor said constipation can mean cancer. Ayayay.
Not having anything to hide is NOT the point. I would never ever ever snoop through my husbands phone or email or anything. And if he did to me, I would be royally annoyed.
Yes and yes. And yes.
Feel better, OP. I know this is hard but stay strong and stay away from this guy.
Now you know why your brother and parents don't like him. Apparently they could see through him, and you couldn't.
He's lied to you, pretended you don't even exist, and has carried on an affair on some level while with you. And you're not sure if you want to break up?
Find someone you're happy with. Someone who doesn't cause you to drink "to numb life" a little. There are guys like that out there. It may take you awhile to find one, but during that time, you can practice being your own rock. You don't need nicotine or alcohol. Be good to yourself. Don't let other people treat you badly. Make healthy, happy choices. Good luck.
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