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This isn't a modern thing, this was the situation when I was dating in the late 80s and 90s as well. Exclusivity was never assumed, it was always explicitly discussed, or it did not exist.
Correction- this was your situation. Your experiences are not universal.
Be that as it may- He's going to bang the other chick at the end of next month. What's he going to say to the second gal? According to you, he just shouldn't say anything unless she explicitly asks, correct? She should just assume that he's sleeping around, as that apparently is the convenient "default" unless expressly stated otherwise?
I honestly think it is best to keep them both in the dark until this vacation is over.
Perhaps it was the way he put this that it sure does make it seem as if he has no intention of letting either one know.
Are you saying you WILL tell if asked?
And what have you said this trip is for? Any deceit involved?
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 1986pacecar
Do you really believe that? That's pretty sketchy.
One can't omit something one is not asked for, or not obliged to share. It's rather impossible to do so.
Quote:
Originally Posted by mishigas73
Correction- this was your situation. Your experiences are not universal.
Be that as it may- He's going to bang the other chick at the end of next month. What's he going to say to the second gal?
Say in response to what?
Quote:
Originally Posted by mishigas73
According to you, he just shouldn't say anything unless she explicitly asks, correct?
Nope, not correct, you're not reading what I'm writing, obviously.
Quote:
Originally Posted by mishigas73
She should just assume that he's sleeping around, as that apparently is the convenient "default" unless expressly stated otherwise?
The default is non-exclusivity until exclusivity is agreed upon. Of course. When one has a date with a person there is no assumption of exclusivity. So one starts with non exclusivity. For that status to change something needs to happen to change that status.
Perhaps it was the way he put this that it sure does make it seem as if he has no intention of letting either one know.
Are you saying you WILL tell if asked?
And what have you said this trip is for? Any deceit involved?
Oh now! It's none of hot and heavy girl's business what he does - they aren't exclusive yet!
A lot of problems would be avoided if women were not so afraid of appearing "uncool" by explicitly asking about exclusivity. Women have been brainwashed to be passive for millennia, but most recently to not "have the talk" that used to be very common before doing the deed, or at least the morning after .
But if they don't ask, then guys like the OP will definitely not limit themselves. Sure, lots of guys would lie anyway but at least you'd be forcing the issue...of course, that's what many women wish to avoid so they don't appear to clingy, or possessive, or high-maintenance, or jealous...or whatever they've been convinced they might be.
The default is non-exclusivity until exclusivity is agreed upon. Of course. When one has a date with a person there is no assumption of exclusivity. So one starts with non exclusivity. For that status to change something needs to happen to change that status.
And, according to you, it happens with an explicit discussion- no more, no less.
I certainly hope that you don't assume that other people know that this is your default position.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,936 posts, read 37,067,254 times
Reputation: 40635
Quote:
Originally Posted by mishigas73
And, according to you, it happens with an explicit discussion- no more, no less.
I certainly hope that you don't assume that other people know that this is your default position.
It has been the default with everyone I have dated over the last 25 years. I've never met anyone that believed differently.
But, I generally date intelligent, confident, adults that have explicit discussions about what they want and what their desires are so there aren't issues with this. Or there never have been. People know better than to assume things as it is quite rude and it creates problems, also, people know not to assume exclusivity because it is being quite possessive and not being respectful of another's individuality and independence. Any woman worth a lick would kick a guy to a curb if he assumed he has exclusive rights to her without discussing it with her. That's being a possessive, neanderthalic, disrespectful jerk, really. (Same goes for both genders).
I have no idea how else one could respectfully and without potential for a misunderstanding or taking someone for granted go from non-exclusive dating to exclusively dating. If one could explain how one would do so where there is not any assumption of exclusivity or taking a person for granted, I'd be curious to hear about it.
I'm a guy who has been in an exclusive relationship for over a decade (half of it married). I say go for it. You have the rest of your life to be committed to one person. Have some fun now while you're young and unattached. I love my wife but I wish I'd had a little more fun before we were together. Live it up for the rest of us!
It has been the default with everyone I have dated over the last 25 years. I've never met anyone that believed differently.
But, I generally date intelligent, confident, adults that have explicit discussions about what they want and what their desires are so there aren't issues with this. Or there never have been. People know better than to assume things as it is quite rude and it creates problems, also, people know not to assume exclusivity because it is being quite possessive and not being respectful of another's individuality and independence. Any woman worth a lick would kick a guy to a curb if he assumed he has exclusive rights to her without discussing it with her. That's being a possessive, neanderthalic, disrespectful jerk, really. (Same goes for both genders).
I have no idea how else one could respectfully and without potential for a misunderstanding or taking someone for granted go from non-exclusive dating to exclusively dating. If one could explain how one would do so where there is not any assumption of exclusivity or taking a person for granted, I'd be curious to hear about it.
Since it hasn't been discussed you don't know that it's been the default, but my real comment is an admiring one. It must be tough to continually carry the mantle of hip urban professionals everywhere, who despite their numbers in your world don't seem to find their way here to offer you any support. Like ever. I guess they can't be bothered by the rabble, or perhaps they're too busy being fabulous?
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