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I have been thinking about posting this thread for a while. It is long, and the structure may seem formal, but I need to say everything of interest about my relationships issues. My intent is to get an idea of what the problem I have is.
The Summary
I am looking for a woman to emotionally, take the ownership of my cases. I also expect her to enjoy herself with me and has a healthy attitude whenever an argument emerges. I had only one relationship that ended up after one month. I need to find some places or events; places where women would rather want to socialize than feel I am exerting an effort to make them do so.
Also, my face’s complexion is not as good as others and would like to know to make it better. My eyes are also not attractive enough. I wonder whether using lenses may help me look better because my glasses do. I would just like to have a piece of advice about what color may suit me the best.
I want to improve my personality and make it more appealing to women. In particular, I want to be socially skilled, to have a sense of humor, and be able to bring positive prospects of people.
The main points that I want a response to are highlighted in bold, so you can skip around
The problem
I am a 29 years old foreigner and did not want to come to the US (some circumstances made me get over here). But once it happened, I wanted to get a relationship with a woman here, mainly because I want to settle down and want someone to, emotionally, take ownership of my cases. I used to face and overcome many problems of different kinds once I arrived here, mostly alone.
I got one (single-authored) original article accepted subject to minor revisions by a prestigious journal and completed and submitted another manuscript. My professor asked me before “Is it you who has written this?” implying he was suspicious that the work is plagiarized due to its high quality and being very clear and coherent (he admitted that explicitly). I could deliver such works even with chronic depression, anxiety disorder, and other problems that hinder my ability to focus. Still, I have done that with minimal help from my adviser. Now, what I am looking for is a person who is willing to be genuinely happy for seeing me succeed. That person must be a woman who is excellent in showing her sympathy. Such a connection needs to be established as an outcome of mutual interaction rather than happen for being a relative (i.e., mother-son relationship). I also expect to be consoled when I feel that things are getting tough. It is not that I am needy as I do not expect (and even do not like) someone to do my tasks for me. I am sick of people who show interest in me only when they expect a benefit, and want a woman who is genuinely into me, enjoys herself with me and has a healthy attitude whenever an argument emerges (i.e., be solution-oriented and willing to maintain connections).
My relationships
I had only one relationship with a 28 years old women. She was quite willing to meet from the earliest stages of making the first contact. We used to meet (usually 3-4 times a week) at my place or hers, spending whole nights together snuggling, watching movies, having conversations, teasing each other, laughing, etc. The vibe used to ramp up naturally and rapidly as soon as we meet. Silence did not feel any awkward at all, and both of us felt fine with it. I had my first kiss with her. She fulfilled what I want (as mentioned in bold above), and, thus, I felt happy, and my depression started to fade out until she left me.
The relationship lasted for a month (excluding internet chats and dates) and terminated by her. She told me she is not willing to go further, as she has been abused and is worried about that happening again. She was not lying because she has spoken many times about that before. She told me there is something so mysterious about me (and it is not having an agenda, being creepy, potentially aggressive, etc.); a characteristic that she cannot even have a word to describe it with.
My personality, strengths, and weaknesses
I consider myself neat and details-oriented. I find independence and resiliency to be personal traits that I always work to enhance. I want to be as strong as I could be. Becoming a college professor is a goal I sat for myself, and tackling potential ways to fulfill that goal is critical for me. My abstract mentality is not something that has emerged at some point in my life, but rather my nature.
As a kid, I did not think of anime and cartoon characters as though they were real; I, alone, knew that they are just fictional characters, but still, I was interested in watching them. Unlike most children, drawing and painting were not even an interest to me. I was quite impulsive, active, and violent as a child. Self-control, however, became prevalent once I joined the college, and it is still so until now.
Many people also have black and white views about me. They either admire me so much and consider that I am a well-rounded person who has a great potential to be a great success in his life. Others consider me an inferior who would fail and would have no chance to be a success in life.
Socially I am an introvert and used to prevent myself from interacting with others, mainly because I did not want to capture the sick mentality of the people of my home city. The introversion extended due to lack of commonality between people around me and me, gaming (which is not something I do now), and being busy with my studies. Still, I felt that people do not pay attention to me as I speak, yet they do so when others do. I do not interrupt people nor raise my voice. Sometimes I become very comfortable with a woman and even be very fun if things went well. I can speak very well sometimes, but that depends on the person I am talking to. Quite a momentum in speaking can be developed after 4 or 5 minutes of starting it.
In the past, I had many traumas and appalling grievances (including plagiarizing my thesis) that rendered me insecure and, literally, caused me to seek approval of every person. Seeking approval has faded out now, and now I do not care about what others think about me.
I show care for others and take ownership of their cases, although I cannot show explicitly show my emotions. For instance, as an exam observer in my previous university, I used to carry a calculator, batteries, pens and pencils, rulers, and water when I go to every exam. I want to be an alpha man who is 1. independent, 2. resilient, 3. socially skilled, 4. confident, 5. self-controlled, 6. has a sense of humor, 7. gives value to the ones around him, and 8. brings positive prospects of people.
So far, I have most of 1, 4, and 5. Traits 2, 6, and 7 are achieved partially. I can be humorous around people I feel very comfortable with (like in my first relationship). I have overcome quite difficult situations in my life, and have done many great favors for others (more than the mild things mentioned above). I resemble very little of qualities 2, 3, and 8.
I do not say “sorry” for situations like having a weird situation with a stranger, but I apologize if I offended someone or believed that apologizing can just ease the anger or resentment of the other party (even if I do not believe I was wrong because it is more about them). I do not bully people, and do not remember trying deliberately to put someone down.
My looks
My looks are about average; slim body, well-trimmed and beautiful-looking hair, well-dressed, healthy and clean. I do not have quite white teeth. My brother is a dentist, and he told me that this is their natural color, and I cannot get cosmetic work due to chronic gum problems. I still clean them regularly (at least to remove food residues).
My face’s complexion is not quite clean, and cleansers and creams do not seem to help me get tangible results even with regular use. I have tried many of the cheap and midrange creams, and wonder if more expensive creams can work better.
My eyes are brown, small-to-medium in size and not special by any means. I wonder whether using lenses may help me look better because my glasses do. I would just like to have a piece of advice about what color may suit me the best.
My interests
I am interested in epistemology, certain kinds of art and sitcom. I like cycling when it is sunny but cold, or after the rain falls. The following are my favorite music types: heroic, new age, R&B, dance-pop, dance rock, and electro.
There are many things that I may enjoy doing with a woman like biking, coffee conversations and quality time together, snuggling, watching movies, cooking, tennis, and bowling.
In one encounter, I met my neighbor, and there was a great vibe, and things went very well that I got her number from within the first 5 minutes. She then told me that she already has a BF (that’s the truth), and she misunderstood my intents. A similar thing applies to another girl. In a bar, I have met a woman whose age is entirely different than mine (she is 42, and I am 29), but we did not know that because she is a cosmetologist, and I seemed to her more mature than my real age. We liked each other a lot for different reasons, and interest ramped up rapidly. But once we talked about our ages and that she has 22 years old boy, I knew that there is no chance with her anymore, but we kept speaking to each other.
I approached around 100 in one month before and no attempt paid off; they were either busy, told me they have a BF, or things did not go well from the very beginning. After these attempts, I nearly stopped approaching women.
Wouldn’t it be better to make it happen more natural and spontaneous situations? If so, it would mean that I need to find some places or events; places where women would rather want to socialize than feel I am exerting an effort to make them do so.
As for dating sites, I used match.com and OKC. The latter is the one through which I got my first relationship.
Last edited by Aldaoudeyeh; 11-11-2016 at 09:48 PM..
I read it all. What steps have you taken to deal with your depression and anxiety?
You're more worthy than I. And I gave it the good old college try, until I got to the words alpha male. I just stopped and scrolled down further and realized I was only halfway through.
Breathtaking, how much time and energy was invested in this thread, OP. Have you invested in some counseling? I think Liberty2011 brings up a good question here.
Bro I would need a picture to look at of you to truly understand what issues you may have. As for your approach and requirements, they may need to change. I consider myself average looking besides my body since I bust my butt at the gym. My best trait is my personality and skills and I have a hard time with women because I always hated the dating game(women who date you and others). I like a woman to be fully mine and I met one that I have doubts with however I am in love with her. Anyways I would like to help you best I can so if you can post a pic, that would help.
I read it all. What steps have you taken to deal with your depression and anxiety?
Quote:
Originally Posted by DontH8Me
You're more worthy than I. And I gave it the good old college try, until I got to the words alpha male. I just stopped and scrolled down further and realized I was only halfway through.
Breathtaking, how much time and energy was invested in this thread, OP. Have you invested in some counseling? I think Liberty2011 brings up a good question here.
The term "alpha man" is used commonly in dating books and programs to refer to a person with a strong and confident personality who still has a sense of humor and likes to give value to others.
As for depression and anxiety I already visit the psychiatrist and take medication with noticeable alleviations of the problem. I did not completely recover, though. I will start attending therapy sessions soon, and want to enhance my social skills.
I have spent around 4 hours putting ideas together, writing, and editing to make the thread as clear as possible and make it address the points of concern to me.
Quote:
Originally Posted by StarfoxGod
Bro I would need a picture to look at of you to truly understand what issues you may have. As for your approach and requirements, they may need to change. I consider myself average looking besides my body since I bust my butt at the gym. My best trait is my personality and skills and I have a hard time with women because I always hated the dating game(women who date you and others). I like a woman to be fully mine and I met one that I have doubts with however I am in love with her. Anyways I would like to help you best I can so if you can post a pic, that would help.
By the way, cameras do not capture the true color and appearance of my eyes. On pictures, they seem to be dark and shiny, but in reality, they are brown and not dark.
The term "alpha man" is used commonly in dating books and programs to refer to a person with a strong and confident personality who still has a sense of humor and likes to give value to others.
As for depression and anxiety I already visit the psychiatrist and take medication with noticeable alleviations of the problem. I did not completely recover, though. I will start attending therapy sessions soon, and want to enhance my social skills.
I have spent around 4 hours putting ideas together, writing, and editing to make the thread as clear as possible and make it address the points of concern to me.
By the way, cameras do not capture the true color and appearance of my eyes. On pictures, they seem to be dark and shiny, but in reality, they are brown and not dark.
Your not ugly by any means however I would consider on going to the gym and lifting weights and eating more. That will help build confidence and make you more attractive to some women. It has also allowed me to continue a more productive life style which I think you can benifit from. You seem like an intellectual man so I'm pretty sure you can have meaningful conversations. What are your hobbies?
OP, I think I read about half of it. I, too, like Liberty2011, think the depression and anxiety would be an obstacle to a successful long term relationship, and even if it isn't, your happiness shouldn't be so dependent on another person. Because what happens if there's a breakup? The depression returns. Or a rough patch in the relationship--you might have difficulty handling it. I don't know anything about your life story, but depression often has its roots in early life. If you go into therapy, try to find someone who can help you get to the root of it, and heal whatever that root cause is. There are many different kinds of therapists out there, and not all of them are equipped to do this.
I couldn't access your photo. A nice, contemporary style of eyewear can help, depending. If you get the right shape and style (for example: rimless or half-rim, compared to heavy frames), it can look good. You can see a dermatologist to see if anything can be done about your skin/face. Diet might make a difference.
Forget the "alpha/beta" stuff, and just be yourself. A sense of humor can be very attractive. "Self control", hmm.... As long as you don't wall yourself off completely from your emotions, which isn't healthy.... Showing some vulnerability and ability to empathize with others are what make us human, and are attractive traits. I''m not sure what you mean by "self control", but I'll leave that up to your judgment.
As to how/where to meet women, you can join a bowling league, if that's what you like: a mixed-gender group. You could join a mixed-gender cycling club. You like art? Go to art gallery exhibit openings (they're usually once/month), when they have the opening reception. It's a good opportunity to socialize. You like movies? Consider volunteering for a film festival in your town or nearby.
I think it's really cool that you wrote such a good paper! (I respect good writing skills! )You seem to be off to a good start in your career path. This is good. Also, you seem to do pretty well meeting women on your own, and you seem to hit it off now and then with women. Even though it hasn't worked out due to age, etc., these are good signs. Take heart from that. You're actually well ahead of some men who post here. Be patient.
I hope there's something helpful for you here. Good luck!
Agreed with the posters who stated that the depression and anxiety issues should be taken care of before dating another woman. Women don't like those traits and would pose serious problems in any relationship.
Why don't you try dating women at your university?
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(I respect good writing skills! 
)You seem to be off to a good start in your career path. This is good. Also, you seem to do pretty well meeting women on your own, and you seem to hit it off now and then with women. Even though it hasn't worked out due to age, etc., these are good signs. Take heart from that. You're actually well ahead of some men who post here. Be patient. 
