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Yes I'm aware he didn't want me anymore,wasn't good enough for him etc etc
No, it has nothing to do with you supposedly not being good enough for him. Again, it wasn't you, it's him. He's a flake. You did nothing wrong.
Was this your first bf in a very long time? I can see getting caught up in romantic conversations and situations, talking about the future: kids, no kids, what would the future look like, etc., but you were not being grounded in reality when you got caught up in this. Reality: he wouldn't be able to support kids (and may already be supporting one or two). Fantasy: "Let's talk about whether we'd want kids together."
Reality: you didn't even know him for a long enough time to have such a conversation! You've only known him--what, maybe 2 or 3 months? Only seen him in person how many times? Way premature to have conversations about the future. Reality: he lives in a room. He's too absorbed in youtube to be interested in seeing you much. Even when he's with you, he fiddles with his phone a lot.
Does that sound like a mature, normal person?
Reality: he has kids that he's not allowed to see. (Huge red flag!)
So, OP, now that we've recapped, can you give any rational reason as to why you thought this was someone you could have a future with? Why on Earth are you thinking YOU weren't good enough for HIM? Can you not see that it was the other way around? Why would you stay hung up on a guy like this, just because he said all the right things and was charming the first couple of times you hung out together? This is why I ask: was this your first bf-type encounter in a few years? Or was this the first guy who EVER paid you any attention? Were you feeling lonely or something?
Because it doesn't make sense. People here are struggling to understand why you're so hung up on this guy, and why you're beating yourself up about him. See what I'm saying? It says some very worrisome things about you, that you don't value yourself enough to see that this guy has NOTHING going for him, while you, presumably, do have your act together. However, you won't have your act together for long if you continue to fall for guys like this!
No, it has nothing to do with you supposedly not being good enough for him. Again, it wasn't you, it's him. He's a flake. You did nothing wrong.
Was this your first bf in a very long time? I can see getting caught up in romantic conversations and situations, talking about the future: kids, no kids, what would the future look like, etc., but you were not being grounded in reality when you got caught up in this. Reality: he wouldn't be able to support kids (and may already be supporting one or two). Fantasy: "Let's talk about whether we'd want kids together."
Reality: you didn't even know him for a long enough time to have such a conversation! You've only known him--what, maybe 2 or 3 months? Only seen him in person how many times? Way premature to have conversations about the future. Reality: he lives in a room. He's too absorbed in youtube to be interested in seeing you much. Even when he's with you, he fiddles with his phone a lot.
Does that sound like a mature, normal person?
Reality: he has kids that he's not allowed to see. (Huge red flag!)
So, OP, now that we've recapped, can you give any rational reason as to why you thought this was someone you could have a future with? Why on Earth are you thinking YOU weren't good enough for HIM? Can you not see that it was the other way around? Why would you stay hung up on a guy like this, just because he said all the right things and was charming the first couple of times you hung out together? This is why I ask: was this your first bf-type encounter in a few years? Or was this the first guy who EVER paid you any attention? Were you feeling lonely or something?
Because it doesn't make sense. People here are struggling to understand why you're so hung up on this guy, and why you're beating yourself up about him. See what I'm saying? It says some very worrisome things about you, that you don't value yourself enough to see that this guy has NOTHING going for him, while you, presumably, do have your act together. However, you won't have your act together for long if you continue to fall for guys like this!
No I had been dating other people before him.
I was lonely tho,my mum passed away and I've felt quite sad and down since..one of my depression triggers was loosing my mum.
I've got my own place (well rented apartment) and I live alone so do get lonely.
I have family and Lots of nice friends but it's not the same as having some male affection.
Maybe il look back at this and realise that it wasn't him specifically it was the feeling of being wanted and with someone ..I don't know for certain.
I've had a bad relationship before after a year he ghosted me after being friends for 6 years,took me a while to get over that ...and this has been the second time it's happened
No I had been dating other people before him.
I was lonely tho,my mum passed away and I've felt quite sad and down since..one of my depression triggers was loosing my mum.
I've got my own place (well rented apartment) and I live alone so do get lonely.
I have family and Lots of nice friends but it's not the same as having some male affection. Maybe il look back at this and realise that it wasn't him specifically it was the feeling of being wanted and with someone ..I don't know for certain.
I've had a bad relationship before after a year he ghosted me after being friends for 6 years,took me a while to get over that ...and this has been the second time it's happened
OK, there's some good insight there. Ponder that.
I wouldn't say at all that "this is the second time it's happened". Knowing a very flakey guy with a checkered past is not at all the same as being in an ACTUAL RELATIONSHIP, with someone for a long time, and having them suddenly disappear. It's not clear what you mean that you'd "been friends" for 6 years. You were platonic friends, then at some point got into a relationship? Or does "friends" mean you had a sexual relationship for 6 years? Hard to believe someone would just vanish after a 6-yr. relationship. I almost wonder if there was some kind of back story there, too, like with this one.
In any case, it seems clear that you could benefit from some grief counseling, re: the loss of your mum. I'm sorry for your loss, OP, and that kind of thing can be a major setback. It can be easy to get stuck in the grieving process, and sometimes people need a little boost from some professional help to get out of their funk. I think it's your depression that caused you to misperceive the situation with this guy, and to cling to it with such (unrealistic) hope. Please be good to yourself, and seek out a grief and loss counselor. You'll be surprised, it can really work wonders if you get a good one.
Take care, OP. It's a New Year; time for a New You, and a cheerier outlook.
I wouldn't say at all that "this is the second time it's happened". Knowing a very flakey guy with a checkered past is not at all the same as being in an ACTUAL RELATIONSHIP, with someone for some time, and having them suddenly disappear. It's not clear what you mean that you'd "been friends" for 6 years. You were platonic friends, then at some point got into a relationship? Or does "friends" mean you had a sexual relationship for 6 years? Hard to believe someone would just vanish after a 6-yr. relationship. I almost wonder if there was some kind of back story there, too, like with this one.
In any case, it seems clear that you could benefit from some grief counseling, re: the loss of your mom. I'm sorry for your loss, OP, and that kind of thing can be a major setback. It can be easy to get stuck in the grieving process, and sometimes people need a little boost from some professional help to get out of their funk. I think it's your depression that caused you to misperceive the situation with this guy, and to cling to it with such (unrealistic) hope. Please be good to yourself, and seek out a grief and loss counselor. You'll be surprised, it can really work wonders if you get a good one.
Take care, OP. It's a New Year; time for a New You, and a cheerier outlook.
The friend for 6 years ..we had dated a few times when he wanted basically.
I've never had a good relationship with a man.
They've all been the same.
Thankyou ..I hope this year is better than the last
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