Extremely frustrated w/ spouse/SAHD

[BirdieBelle]

Originally Posted by convextech

That is when they are still very young. Once they are crawling around, it becomes very important for a baby to have a nightly bath as part of its sleeping routine.

Yep, that advice is for infants. Toddlers need bathing more regularly.

OP, I really hope you do come back to this thread because, while it is hard to take, there is some very important advice here.

Most of it may feel like a personal attack, but really it's just people trying to get a very important point across to you. It sounds like you and your husband are both making your own lives harder for no real reason other than misguided intentions.

[zentropa]

Originally Posted by AstralSkier

First of all, I apologize for the length but I wanted to lay out a clear picture… My husband and I have been having some serious relationship issues ever since our first was born and he assumed the role of SAHD. There are many issues w/ this arrangement, mainly that I’d prefer to stay at home and he supposedly would rather work, and that I don’t feel he’s living up to his responsibilities. Add to all of this that I’m 6.5 months pregnant and it’s really not a good situation to say the least. I’d like some input as to whether or not I’m being unreasonable or as he recently summarized it that I’m “destroying our family due to being neurotic about dishes,” or something to that effect; I really don’t think he’s seeing the big picture here.

Up until last month when he was laid off, he worked about 10 hours a week (sometimes a bit less) from home while I work 40 hours in both the office and at home. Since I work from home in the afternoons and especially since I’m pregnant, I need to be able to make myself frequent snacks throughout the day. However, the dishes from breakfast on are usually still in the sink when I go to bed at night. They are mainly done by morning, but this does not help me during the day. When I try to do anything in the kitchen, I literally cannot find the countertop, amongst dirty dishes, trash that never made its way into the garbage can, a dirty bib crumpled in a ball, compost items that never made it the compost, a dirty high chair tray, etc. So doing the dishes after 10pm really doesn’t work for me, but to him, I’m neurotic and it’s perfectly reasonable that as long as he does them, he can do them on his own time. He’s also told me that my working from home isn’t working too well for him, but I’m much more comfortable during pregnancy in this partial WFH arrangement so I really don’t think that’s fair. It’s hard enough to work four 10-hour days as it is.

We had a similar disagreement over cloth diapering which I suppose is now resolved. I felt that it was fair to assume that whoever was home with our daughter would spray the diapers, but after having maggots (yes, maggots) appear twice due to my husband’s negligence, I decided to take that upon myself every night. Again, he doesn’t understand why I just don’t let him do it on his own time…

Then there are the projects… to be fair, he has way too much on his plate all the time with home and car maintenance and repairs, but he’s decided to take it all on – simultaneously, which is a big problem. He’s been painting the exterior of the house coming up on a year now (it’s almost 75% done), renovating the kitchen since our 20-month old was born (started w/ repainting cabinets and that’s where we still are – again maybe 75% done w/ drawers and cabinets missing), and multiple other projects. Tools and other parts are always all over the house which needless to say is annoying to me but also not a great idea with a toddler. I thought with his being out of a job entirely for the past month it would be a great opportunity to wrap things up but no real progress has been made. Hours have been spent on painting the house but he’s still on the same side due to perfectionism to a ridiculous extent.

Lastly, there’s the very obvious factor that he’s miserable being at home, which is written all over his face when I get home each day and also apparent by the resentment he displays towards me when I bring any of this to his attention – his response is I’m neurotic, all I care about is dishes, I’m a lunatic, etc. etc. I try and try to help since I would love to switch roles but it just doesn’t seem to be going to happen. I thought we were making progress due to his being laid off while I’m pregnant and this seeming like the perfect time to make the “switch” but then I’m met w/ a response the other day that really blew me away - that if I think he’s going to be able to get a job that pays enough for me to stay home, I better not get my hopes up. I really don’t make very much money so the fact that he thinks there’s no way he could pull in that amount just makes me feel hopeless; if he doesn’t believe it, it won’t happen for sure. The divorce topic has now come up several times and although it’s the last thing I want, especially now that our second is due very soon, I’m at a loss. Talking doesn’t help since everything is my fault in his eyes and I’m just out to get him. Any thoughts or suggestions?? Am I being unreasonable?

Oh. I'm sorry. You misunderstood. The once-a-week bathing is not the sign of a household out of control

This is.

1. Your husband is accusing you of destroying your family and being "a lunatic."

2. You are living in the midst of stalled construction projects in the kitchen. For TWO YEARS.

3. "Tools and other parts are always all over the house.

4. "I literally cannot find the countertop, amongst dirty dishes, trash that never made its way into the garbage can, a dirty bib crumpled in a ball, compost items that never made it the compost, a dirty high chair tray, etc."

5. He threatens you with divorce.

This is a household out of control. You know it. I know it. Every poster here knows it.

Why you are trying to deflect and deny it is what I can't figure out.

Do you actually believe other parents live like this?

[wasel]

OP, a couple of thoughts:

1) The dishes thing: I have had several conversations with friends who have complained about how their husbands do dishes (the "piling up dirty dishes and doing in batch" routine.) Your case sounds a little extreme, not sure if you are exaggerating or if this is a health hazard, but it is NOT unusual (from what I hear) for men to let the dirty dishes and pots and pans pile up. You may just have to take one the dishes chore yourself.

2) It sounds like your husband is really doing his best to be a dad, and to do things that need to be done around the house. One thing I've learned from my "handyman husband" is that projects aren't necessarily on my timeline. We have unfinished projects in the living space as I write this. I can nag him about it, or I can appreciate that he is trying to make our home better and with all the other demands on his time the project has been put on hold. Nagging him would get it done quicker, but it would only really serve to make ME look bad. The project isn't something that is prohibiting us from having heat or running water or cooking.

3) In an effort to learn more about your situation I did a search of your previous posts. I see that you have asked a lot of questions about a lot of different cities to move to in an effort to find the perfect place to live. Do you think that you are a person that is hard to please? That is not a judgement, or a criticsm (what do I care if you are hard to please?) but if this is how you are in general, your husband may feel you are never satisfied with anything he tries to do, and it is causing resentment.

4) I think a lot of your irritation is hormonal, I have never been pregnant but I'm sure I would be looking at things with a different lens if I were. Plus, having a toddler isn't easy from what I hear so your patience may be thin (and his too.)

Please try to do whatever you can to not let this escalate into serious marital issues. You don't want to be a single parent of 2 kids, do you? I would say the same to him but he's not the one on the thread.

[stan4]

You know, studies show that if your guy is cheezed about having to stay at home, he reasserts his masculinity passive-aggressively by doing a crappy job.

Nice one you picked there.