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From reading this forum, it sounds like alot of people may have been thru this, so i wanted to hear yoru thoughts.
Since my last break up in October, I have taken alot of time off of dating and being pretty introspective. I had built up some insecurities and anxieties that I go to a therapist who is marginally useful, might have to switch that up, but im trying to really deal with them.
Anxieties
1. Meeting People to go out with seems hard now:
I did online dating for alot of my 20's and it was not kind ot me. i've finally have realized im not going to likely meet someone online. Online led me to spend alot of my time pursuing toxic relationships with either people who did not treat me well, were bad people, or were genuinely not interested and were serial daters.
Ive had enough bad experiences that i have had enough. But, this gives me anxiety about meeting new people as i dont go out to bars/clubs that much anymore. Even when i was going out, I would only occassionally get dates, so it seems like i might go months without dates without online and this gives me anxiety
2. I went thru a 6 month span like 2 years ago, where it was a combination of me not respecting myself and allowing myself to be in toxic relationships with people. And the fact that alot of the people i was pursuing relationships/going otu with had issues with either some sort of substance abuse or were just a complete people user/narcicist.
I went thru a phase where i just ended all these relationships and got dragged into drama. They would start the drama and I more or less had alot of pint up resentment/anger at this time and i fed into it big time.
I had maybe 6-8 dramatic situations like this. Im embarrassed of them and i stress there is alot of negative karma out there that is going to hurt me going forward.
3. I go out less, I have less friends who go out now. Obviously this creates a void of more or less loneliness and kind of pressures me a bit to meet someone.
anyone experience any of these?? any words of wisdom?
3. I go out less, I have less friends who go out now. Obviously this creates a void of more or less loneliness and kind of pressures me a bit to meet someone.
anyone experience any of these?? any words of wisdom?
Yes and yes. I turned 30 not that long ago as well. My friends all settled down within a very short time period, and scheduling an outing together has become like pulling teeth. I pushed back by getting heavily involved with Meetup. It's amazing how many people are in the same boat as me. Or even coupled-up, without thinking it's "immature" to continue having fun.
Do the same: join Meetup. For real. You might not become good friends with everyone right away, if at all. But everyone there is friendly. At the very least, you will have a full social calendar on most weekends and some weeknights too. Oh, and by the way, welcome! I noticed it's your first post.
From reading this forum, it sounds like alot of people may have been thru this, so i wanted to hear yoru thoughts.
Since my last break up in October...
What kind of break-up was this? Was it after a long-term relationship, or did you "break it off" with the last short-term dating experience?
Quote:
Originally Posted by br242
I have taken alot of time off of dating and being pretty introspective. I had built up some insecurities and anxieties that I go to a therapist who is marginally useful, might have to switch that up, but im trying to really deal with them.
Sometimes it takes time to find the right therapist. Keep looking if you have to.
Quote:
Originally Posted by br242
Anxieties
1. Meeting People to go out with seems hard now:
I did online dating for alot of my 20's and it was not kind ot me. i've finally have realized im not going to likely meet someone online. Online led me to spend alot of my time pursuing toxic relationships with either people who did not treat me well, were bad people, or were genuinely not interested and were serial daters.
Ive had enough bad experiences that i have had enough. But, this gives me anxiety about meeting new people as i dont go out to bars/clubs that much anymore. Even when i was going out, I would only occassionally get dates, so it seems like i might go months without dates without online and this gives me anxiety
Therapy can help with this ^^^.
Quote:
Originally Posted by br242
2. I went thru a 6 month span like 2 years ago, where it was a combination of me not respecting myself and allowing myself to be in toxic relationships with people. And the fact that alot of the people i was pursuing relationships/going otu with had issues with either some sort of substance abuse or were just a complete people user/narcicist.
I went thru a phase where i just ended all these relationships and got dragged into drama. They would start the drama and I more or less had alot of pint up resentment/anger at this time and i fed into it big time.
I had maybe 6-8 dramatic situations like this. Im embarrassed of them and i stress there is alot of negative karma out there that is going to hurt me going forward.
What does this ^^^ mean exactly? What did you do? and are you safe from those "toxic tendencies" now?
Quote:
Originally Posted by br242
3. I go out less, I have less friends who go out now. Obviously this creates a void of more or less loneliness and kind of pressures me a bit to meet someone.
This ^^^ is a natural outcome of getting older. Your peers are pairing off. You will need to change your tactics.
Quote:
Originally Posted by br242
anyone experience any of these?? any words of wisdom?
Words of wisdom?
Keep up with therapy. Pursue things that you are interested in, and make yourself take part in social situations because keeping to yourself and staying isolated can make anxiety worse.
You went through your 20's without learning how/where to meet people. Now you can make up for lost time. Join groups: Meetups, co-ed sports activities (hiking, biking, volleyball (see your Parks Dept.), racquetball at the gym, whatever), hobby groups, photography classes, Tai chi/chi gong, volunteering for local events (film festival, street fairs, whatever) and organizations (enviro orgs, polit. action orgs, whatever), etc. etc. Attend book readings at the local bookstore, or go to travel seminars at the travel bookstore or recreational equipment co-op. Dancing: scope out your local salsa, swing or folkdance scenes.
Get involved in stuff, talk to people, be patient. It takes time to meet someone you click with.
Last edited by Ruth4Truth; 03-10-2017 at 12:47 PM..
1. What kind of break-up was this? Was it after a long-term relationship, or did you "break it off" with the last short-term dating experience?
2. What does this ^^^ mean exactly? What did you do? and are you safe from those "toxic tendencies" now?
.
1. it was like 2.5-3 months, but we hung out/talked more than my last long relationship. So, it was pretty intimate.
2. The toxic tendancies was that I was just allowing people to come and go as they please, define the relationship how they wanted, etc.
For example, I'd have women who were initiating most of the texting, phone calling, and talks of dating, but were blantantly using me for attention either by not making time for me or avoiding the physical side of things.
What made them toxic, was that they would blame it on me. If i called them out on it, they would blame it on me not being as needy as most guys, or not texting them enough so they didnt think they liked them, and some of the stuff they were using to as reasons to blame me were pretty hurtful.
honestly it was the same with all the situations. I would mention my concerns, it would be ignored, then i would be more direct. They would be dramatic act like they were really hurt and say it was on me. I would ignore, they would blow me up again and "win me over". we would do w/e i complained about, then same behavior re-occured then repeat.
When i finally ended things, I ended them ok initially. However, they would throw on the dramatics and talk about how heart broken/hurt/etc they were . I would try to talk things out, but the toxic blaming of me re-occured , but this time it subtley cruel/mean things about me, while playing dumb and innocent about their behavior. like blatantly acting childish and pretending they didnt understand.
This is normally when i would tell them off quite rudely as i had gotten sick of them subtley tearing into me or blaming me
Sounds to me like you're over-complicating and over-thinking things. Thirty is young and should be a wonderful time in your life with many good years to look forward to if you simply relax and take yourself in hand.
I was divorced at 48 and decided to try dating in the mid-'90s - something I hadn't done since the late '60s - and do so at age 50. I had no problem finding women who were amenable. At 30 it should be a piece of cake.
Don't start out filling your head with doubts and problems.
1. it was like 2.5-3 months, but we hung out/talked more than my last long relationship. So, it was pretty intimate.
2. The toxic tendancies was that I was just allowing people to come and go as they please, define the relationship how they wanted, etc.
This sounds like the classic behaviors the Scarlet Capsule warns people about. It's one of the reasons why I refuse to have anything to do with serious relationships. Casual dating, even without doing it, no problem. Also, women my age want to get married and have kids, which I don't want any part of, either.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Curmudgeon
I was divorced at 48 and decided to try dating in the mid-'90s - something I hadn't done since the late '60s - and do so at age 50. I had no problem finding women who were amenable. At 30 it should be a piece of cake.
Not necessarily. At 50, you can "just date" and enjoy the process of getting to know a new person, and everyone's cool. At 30, most women date with agenda: marriage and babies.
Not necessarily. At 50, you can "just date" and enjoy the process of getting to know a new person, and everyone's cool. At 30, most women date with agenda: marriage and babies.
I considered that but there are a lot of women out there who probably don't. Finding them would be a challenge and half the fun.
At or about 50 a lot of the women seek stability if the man is decently employed, and I was, and to them that means marriage and eventually a decent retirement.
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to continue having fun.
A combination of things ....
warns people about. It's one of the reasons why I refuse to have anything to do with serious relationships. Casual dating, even without doing it, no problem. Also, women my age want to get married and have kids, which I don't want any part of, either.
