My husband pays EVERYTHING for his unemployed parents (wife, movies, married)
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My husband and I have been married for a year, together for almost five. The relationship is great but there is one problem that starts to drive me crazy- The amount of money he spends on his parents. Let me explain. His mom has never worked a day in her life. She basically graduated from school, got pregnant and never went to college and never found a job. Her sons are 33 (husband) and 29 (his brother) now and she still doesn't even consider to get a part-time job at least. I do like her and she's a very sweet woman, but she just doesn't seem to want to make any money, instead she sits at home all day. That would be totally okay IF her husband (my husband's dad) made enough money to provide for the two of them. So his dad had his own company, but that company went bankrupt YEARS ago (even before I knew him), so basically his dad isn't doing anything either. I know for a fact that both of them don't make a single cent, my husband told me so. He said that his dad really wants his company to be successful again, but honestly I've never seen him work on that. Whenever I talk to him or his wife, they're at home. On every day of the week at every time. Or he's at family or friends. I've literally never heard that he's at work. By the way, he's 56, his wife is 51, so it's not like they're too old to work.
So ya, they have zero income, the only money they make is from their tiny apartment they bought like 20 years ago (they're renting it out). My husband and I own an apartment in our city (not the same city as them), but he also owns an apartment in their city, from the time before we met. We lived in that apartment before, and when we moved to the new city he immediately offered his parents to live in his apartment- rent free. So ya, basically they've been living in his apartment rent fee for over two years, and he also pays all of their bills. On top of that, he pays their health insurances. He also often buys stuff for them, food or stuff like sunscreen for his mom. When we go out with them for lunch, he always pays for them. And that's just the stuff I know of. I'm pretty sure he also sends them money every month to buy groceries and stuff (in fact that's what the sister of his mom does too, she gives them money every month).
I've always been annoyed by this, but I never said anything, because it's his money, his decision. But I'm still worried. He's NOT making tons of money, he does have a good paying job but he's very, very far from being wealthy. When we travel together, he always wants to stay at the cheapest hotels/hostels possible, which is okay, but it leaves a bad taste in my mouth to think how he always tries to save money with us, but spends so much money on his parents. Also, we're planning to have kids, how is that going to work if he has to pay for the kids additionally? I obviously have a full-time job currently, but I think I would be part-time for at least a while when we have kids.
On top of that, he pays for their vacations too. In the past,he has paid for their trips that weren't THAT expensive (Let's say 100-200 dollars per person) so I never said anything, but now he's planning to invite them to a trip that will cost him around 3,000-4,000 dollars. Yes, you've heard that right. Why? He says that when his Mom turned 50, he promised her a trip as a gift, and since they still haven't done it (well actually he invited both of his parents to a short trip last year but that doesnt seem to count), he wants to do it this year. So the plan is to travel around Europe with both of his parents for about two weeks, and he will pay everything for them. If I were a parent and my kid- who's not a millionaire- offered to invite us to an extravagant trip like that, I'd say no. It's just not right, I think. Instead, they immediately started looking for flights and hotels, it's definitely happening.
I don't know, am I wrong to feel weird about this? I know we have no money problems now, but that could easily change when we have kids. It would also be nice to stay in nicer hotels in the future (and not in the cheapest hotels you can find) and to save up more money. I think it's absolutely normal that you want to hep your parents when they're financially in trouble, but it has been 5+ years now, and his parents don't make any effort to get out of that situation. Instead, all they do is enjoy the life without having to work, stay at home watch movies, visit friends, eat out etc. Even though I always liked them, I started resenting them for taking advantage of their son. I really don't know how my husband can not see it this way- He thinks it's totally okay to 'support' them. I think inviting them for vacations and dinners doesn't count as simple supporting anymore. And it will probably be like that til the end of their lives, who else is gonna pay for them? That's actually also the reason I still didn't agree to have a joint account with my husband- I do not want to pay for them (I have paid small things for them like gifts or lunches though), and I don't wanna get into a fight about paying for them.
Well, I guess I'm looking for advice, because I'm not sure if I can do anything about it. Thanks a lot.
I'd split finances though. Make sure none of that comes out of my pocket and start working out a budget for the bills. You pay for your things, he pays for his and his parents.
No reason you should be paying that out of your paycheck.
"I've always been annoyed by this, but I never said anything, because it's his money, his decision." You need to speak with him about it. Have you sat down actually made a budget together? He may not realize just how much money his is giving them. I would try to avoid bringing up stuff like the hotels, though, since that makes you look petty/jealous. But if you are serious about having kids, it may open your husband's eyes a bit to see on paper exactly how much he is spending.
TBH this is the sort of thing you should have done before marriage, just you putting on a ring isn't going to clear up issues like this.
What are those people going to do when they get older? They have no retirement savings. And what about you and your husband--are you two putting money away for retirement, or are you giving most of your discretionary income away? You need to sit down and have a serious talk about financial goals, and what you can and can't afford. And you need to factor into that discussion the cost of raising kids, college savings, etc. Because it looks to me like you won't be able to afford kids, since you're already supporting two 50-something-aged "kids". Instead of focusing on starting a family with you, your husband is still tied to his parents. He needs to re-orient his focus and priorities.
Your mother in law could take a couple of classes at a community college to get some office skills, and get an office job. It's not that hard. In fact, AARP has a program aimed at women over 50 to help them get into the workforce. See if they have that program in your area.
What are those people going to do when they get older? They have no retirement savings. And what about you and your husband--are you two putting money away for retirement, or are you giving most of your discretionary income away? You need to sit down and have a serious talk about financial goals, and what you can and can't afford. And you need to factor into that discussion the cost of raising kids, college savings, etc. Because it looks to me like you won't be able to afford kids, since you're already supporting two 50-something-aged "kids". Instead of focusing on starting a family with you, your husband is still tied to his parents. He needs to re-orient his focus and priorities.
Your mother in law could take a couple of classes at a community college to get some office skills, and get an office job. It's not that hard. In fact, AARP has a program aimed at women over 50 to help them get into the workforce. See if they have that program in your area.
Anyone chronically unemployed in the United States is that way out of choice and laziness. No one can't find a job.
This guy's parents will either need money from him, he will have to cut them off, she will have to accept, or maybe throw an ultimatum. Expecting lazy grown adults to turn into working citizens isn't going to happen.
You're right though, if the husband is putting that much money towards parents and not leaving money left over for savings, their life, etc... he's severely hurting the family!
I am sorry this happens to you. It would drive me nuts. I would not have kept my mouth shut for so long.
I think you are absolutely right in your thinking.
Are you both American, or is he from a different culture?
In the past my wife and I even helped pay for my former wife's expenses in a memory loss facility. We didn't do it for her but so the full responsibility wouldn't fall on my children. But this was something we discussed and agreed upon beforehand. That's was a partnership requires. However, it was always money we could afford to "lose."
In the OP's case I find it discouraging that this seems not a mutual decision and may well be impeding providing funds they may need later for emergencies or retirement.
Only help those who help themselves unless they're incapable of doing so. Chronic laziness doesn't count.
Burgler09, you knew this going in. Nothing will change unless you talk to your husband about your feelings. Sounds like you have a lot of resentment toward his parents, and your husband.
Put yourself in his shoes. What if the roles were reversed?
I am going through a similar experience, except my parents are much worse. I'm cutting off all ties I can with them as they are bad people and we don't need that in our lives.(BTW, not married)
It's hard to be in the situation he is in. It's very stressful, then add in how a spouse feels(the same)......it just adds more stress and anger.
Talk, maybe he is trying to cut the cord.
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