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She needs to end her "friendship" with this guy. It's not platonic on his side and it's inappropriate for a married woman. If she values your marriage, she should end her friendship with this guy.
She has already said she is fully aware of the whole situation by admitting she knows how this could turn out if left unchecked. it's up to her to put boundaries in place for herself and keep a perspective in place so she can stop herself before she acts and allows things to "just happen"
Ask yourself what you need here to help yourself feel better in this situation and how that can apply in to actions that respect both yourself and your wife's lives.
I cannot really tell you how you should do this since I do not know you or your wife to judge temperaments and behaviors, but for myself and my wife an unfiltered talk with one another would be the most likely outcome if this ever presented itself in our relationship.
Nothing can really be worked on or accomplished until everyone has aired their feelings out on the matter. The end of that talk should have the both of you exchanging actual executable plans with how each other is going commit themselves back to the marriage by way of how they feel they may have been failing in it.
Your wife need to cut this guy out of her life in any meanful way while you do this.
Allowing his influences and her biases towards him to still remain and element while you as a couple are trying to respect each other and your marriage by coming together on ways to better your commitments and bonds to one another is the ultimate disrespect and show of a total lacking in the ability to maintain a leveled perspective.
If she can't or is unwilling to put her spouse and marital health infront of her own self made desires, that is going to tell you more than she ever could to you in words alone.
Last edited by rego00123; 03-29-2017 at 04:02 AM..
OP, I hate to break this to you and I don't want you to get excessively paranoid, but just because you met the guy and she has been "transparent", doesn't mean that the situation isn't ripe for an affair. In fact, it could make it easier for her to carry on something right under your nose. A friend of mine had a husband (they are divorced now) and when they were dating he would banter with a female friend. My friend knew the girl because we all worked together. They both insisted that it was just a friendship and that there was nothing going on. Guess what happened?
What should I do, am overacting, should I continue to ignore the situation. Keep trusting her blindly or should i go through her phone and question her. I am at a loss. I feel I should ignore the situation just to keep the marriage where its at. Happy, she hasnt shown me any less affection or acted differently. Her mother is currently dying so there is that on her plate too. I dont want to overwhelm her. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I dont want to be a controlling husband, and I do trust her. I feel she would shut this guy down, but it bugs me she wants to continue a friendship with some guy who she knows wants to get into her pants. Not to sound cocky, but I am attractive smart and I make a very solid income, so I dont feel this is insecurities.
you sound like you possess a pretty sound mind, and it also sounds as if you are not jealous or insecure....which is all good, and you don't have to defend, however, what is wrong is the fact that you say, "I feel like I should ignore the situation just to keep the marriage where it's at." To do so, is an injustice to self! In doing so, you are abandoning your own feelings, wants and desires for peace, and peace at all cost is no peace at all.
We all handle things differently, we all feel differently about situations, there isn't and never will be a one size fits all....so in my reply, I caution, this is just me, an older woman, who sees things much differently than when I was younger.
No matter what decision you make, first and foremost realize, you must deal with the consequences of what ever action you take, "Can You?"
You have proved that you trust her, however, this had gone far beyond that....
You are partners, and sometimes yes, even partners feel differently about situations, which we must as a partner take into account. It's time to sit down and realistically discuss this situation....be open and let your feelings be known. If your wife loves you, she will understand and take the appropriate action she needs to.
When I was young, I enjoyed the company of men, much more than women. Oh yes, I had women friends, but so loved the stories men had to tell, enjoyed so much the opposite gender. However, as in everything in life, what I didn't realize, then, was the stronger sexual urge that males have. I had one male friend who respected my wishes to remain friends...the rest of them did not. Which hurt very much. I was naieve to the fact that while I thought they were friends, most of them wanted to score. Call it male pride if you will.
My one loyal male friend told me once, "When you date, don't tell them you and I are best friends". I said, "why" and he said, b/c they won't believe you and I have not slept together, believe me, he said, most men have slept with their female friends." That really hurt me, but as I grew older I found that he was indeed, telling me the truth.
What I'm trying to say is, while we women really enjoy having men (friends only) what is difficult for us to understand, that most men hope to score, now, you can subtract a whole lot of men from that equation, b/c your wife is married and they just wouldn't go there, however, there are still men that will take advantage of a situation. Not only that, but you need to explain to her, there are a whole lot of crazies out there, who would view her advancements as sexual....there are people out there of the opposite sex that even if you look at them and smile, they think to themselves, "he or she wants me". Sad but true. I've known people like that.
This can be a very dangerous game she is playing and while she doesn't view it as such, others might or will and she could get both you and she in a lot of trouble doing so. This guy could stalk her to the point of embarrassment.
I had a boyfriend once who wouldn't allow me to break up with him, he'd stalk me, follow me, and when I finally called the police on him, they told me, they would take action on it, but to never ever call him again or make any kind of contact with him again. Because he is the type of person that would take it as an invite back into my life, when that couldn't be further from my mind.
So, to....to ignore your feelings about this, to ignore that little voice inside of you, telling you this isn't right, is ignoring your own feelings, and abandoning self and your whole personal constitution. This is your identity. Don't give it away. She needs to understand that.
I would discuss all this with her, and allow her to make the first decision, but tell her that you trust her, and respect her opinion on this, while also explaining to her, that your not liking this at all, but are trying very hard to be respectful of her and her own individuality. But if there comes a time when you have to intervene, she has to trust you and respect your feelings as well, it works both ways, or has to. Sometimes as a partner, we have to give up somethings that concerns our partners. That's life and part of being a partner.
Somewhere along the line, she has to understand, the unspoken boundaries of being friends with a co-worker. People are not always as they seem and her first priority should always be you and her family before anyone else.
I hope she learns a lesson from this, b/c this could turn into something very ugly...where the police might have to be notified. As I said, people are not always as they seem. And any man that would come onto a woman who is married, cannot be trusted. And he could always say, she was coming onto him....and it would appear to be so. Most married couples don't endulge to that extent. There is a cutoff point, or a boundary, for the lack of better words.
You both have to decide together what that cut off point is for both of you and than stick to it, b/c anything above and beyond is a betrayal to the feelings of your companion.
I hope this has been somewhat helpful...but it may not be at all what your looking for?
All of your comments have been helpful, especially the last. I only have one problem though. This situation has been talked about and talked about, over and over. It seems as though it has been beaten like a dead horse. I dont know where I should go with it, but I do not feel comfortable with the situation. I truly trust her, but what do I do? She does work with this guy every day almost and I dont want her to be uncomfortable. This is the crap I hate. She has been kinda distant to him and ignores him off and on through the day just to talk to me. She also shows me a priority, but it proves this guy has no respect.
All of your comments have been helpful, especially the last. I only have one problem though. This situation has been talked about and talked about, over and over. It seems as though it has been beaten like a dead horse. I dont know where I should go with it, but I do not feel comfortable with the situation. I truly trust her, but what do I do? She does work with this guy every day almost and I dont want her to be uncomfortable. This is the crap I hate. She has been kinda distant to him and ignores him off and on through the day just to talk to me. She also shows me a priority, but it proves this guy has no respect.
then you will have to leave it go, for now, until she comes to you for advice....or in duress...I understand your plight, and how difficult it must be for you, but unfortunately, we cannot protect the ones we love from being hurt. This may sound ridiculous, but I'm a firm believer that out of everything bad, comes some good, maybe not tomorrow, or the next day, or a year from now, but eventually we may get lucky enough to see not only the goodness but recognize the lesson in it. And this is where she is presently, you must allow her that.
(my son's father at one time, was so upset, b/c he couldn't control my son and keep him from making mistakes. He didn't want to see him hurt, however, in doing that, he was taking away from his son, life's lessons) And there are so many it seems designed specifically for us.
She is lucky to have you and you her, in that be strengthened, and believe me, you both will grow from this.
If it get difficult occasionally for you, confide in a trusted friend, or in here again....just to vent...to gain perspective from others. There are a lot of good people in here....ignore any negative comments....and take what works for you and leave the rest.
I have a question about their working relationship. Does she actually work WITH him, or just work NEAR him. There's a difference. If she is required to have regular interaction with him, that's a much bigger problem. If they just happen to work in the same office, she should be able to cut contact with him.
I had to do that once. We have a family friend. He was a friend of mine and my husband. He and my husband were both in the same circle of friends. When he made a move on me, I told him that our friendship was over and never spoke to him again. I was so hurt that he didn't respect our marriage. But in retrospect, this guy played the whole, "I'm so lonely" routine and made me feel sorry for him and pay extra attention to him out of pity. It was all so obvious after the fact. Live and learn.
He works on the same shift and unit with my wife. I went through her phone today a little out of curiosity. He blew up her phone while she was at work and she had very small one word responses. I think she is getting annoyed with the guy a little. I think she is debating something in her head though. I just dont know if its about her mother or this guy and me. It got brought up a little today actually. I spoke to her about it, and I said I trust her but I dont trust this guy. He is not there to just be her friend, I dont trust him and I am uncomfortable with the situation. I pretty much left the ball in her court and told her that it is up to her where she goes with it.
He works on the same shift and unit with my wife. I went through her phone today a little out of curiosity. He blew up her phone while she was at work and she had very small one word responses. I think she is getting annoyed with the guy a little. I think she is debating something in her head though. I just dont know if its about her mother or this guy and me. It got brought up a little today actually. I spoke to her about it, and I said I trust her but I dont trust this guy. He is not there to just be her friend, I dont trust him and I am uncomfortable with the situation. I pretty much left the ball in her court and told her that it is up to her where she goes with it.
He was off for the day, and was asking her about work.
She responded with the gossip and the events that had taken place.
He was moved to another unit temporarily, and he asked her to come visit him, she said she would try. I know her though she sounded reluctant so I think she didnt want to. I think she is getting tired of the situation.
Then after that conversation was done he started to send her emoji's in abundance.
One of the responses she gave was you must have a lot of time on your hands.
Then my wife went on lunch and he asked her if she was on lunch.
She didnt respond at all.
Part of me feels the conversation after that was deleted the other part of me feels like she actually ignored him. If she ignored it then she was annoyed, she was talking to me for a little while but she seemed distracted and I thought she was talking to her mother. She was in fact talking to me a decent amount though.
I dont know what to make of this, if she is actually cheating with this guy she is pretty smart so I doubt I would even find out.
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