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From the perspective of the one making the advance, I'm giving you the most vulnerable part of myself that I don't give to everyone and to be told that that isn't good enough for your standards feels like a rejection. Say don't take it personally until the cows come home but that it what I feel like when it happens.
Asking someone out isn't giving someone a vulnerable part of yourself. Maybe that's the crux of the issue, is you are mentally thinking you're investing something that you actually aren't.
Being vulnerable usually involves letting your guard down, opening up and sharing thoughts and feelings that you don't reveal to everyone. Asking someone out for a drink on Friday is none of that. It is merely a question, and the response doesn't define you as a person.
From the perspective of the one making the advance, I'm giving you the most vulnerable part of myself that I don't give to everyone and to be told that that isn't good enough for your standards feels like a rejection. Say don't take it personally until the cows come home but that it what I feel like when it happens.
I am not saying don't take it personally. I am saying learn not to be vulnerable until you have a partner worthy of that gift. Vulnerably is something you actually can control. Trust me. I know.
Asking someone out isn't giving someone a vulnerable part of yourself. Maybe that's the crux of the issue, is you are mentally thinking you're investing something that you actually aren't.
Being vulnerable usually involves letting your guard down, opening up and sharing thoughts and feelings that you don't reveal to everyone. Asking someone out for a drink on Friday is none of that. It is merely a question, and the response doesn't define you as a person.
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
26,700 posts, read 41,723,992 times
Reputation: 41376
Quote:
Originally Posted by Liberty2011
Asking someone out isn't giving someone a vulnerable part of yourself. Maybe that's the crux of the issue, is you are mentally thinking you're investing something that you actually aren't.
Being vulnerable usually involves letting your guard down, opening up and sharing thoughts and feelings that you don't reveal to everyone. Asking someone out for a drink on Friday is none of that. It is merely a question, and the response doesn't define you as a person.
Easy for you to say. When I reveal that I have romantic intent to someone, I AM letting my guard down because I have to prepare for the fact they may not share my intent which will hurt me. I don't know what your definition of vulnerable is, but that is my definition.
Don't define me as a person? Are you kidding me?! Posters here crap on me all the time in this forum for my inability to get dates.
Asking someone out isn't giving someone a vulnerable part of yourself. Maybe that's the crux of the issue, is you are mentally thinking you're investing something that you actually aren't.
Being vulnerable usually involves letting your guard down, opening up and sharing thoughts and feelings that you don't reveal to everyone. Asking someone out for a drink on Friday is none of that. It is merely a question, and the response doesn't define you as a person.
If you ask a girl out who has a boyfriend then you feel awful and stupid for bothering her (assuming she's not just saying it to get rid of you which is even worse). If you ask a girl out who is single and she says no then you feel bad for not being good enough for her.
The guys who are a successful at it just don't give a **** and will happily take 20 rejections just to get 1 yes (and she could flake, give a fake number etc anyway).. This is the PUA mentality. A lot of men though are more sensitive. If I got 20 rejections i'd have no soul left to ask the 21st. A woman who is approached regularly often won't have the empathy to realise how hard it is for many men to approach because it isn't something they need to think about.
Easy for you to say. When I reveal that I have romantic intent to someone, I AM letting my guard down because I have to prepare for the fact they may not share my intent which will hurt me. I don't know what your definition of vulnerable is, but that is my definition.
Don't define me as a person? Are you kidding me?! Posters here crap on me all the time in this forum for my inability to get dates.
What is really challenging with you is that you are clearly a good dude. But you have this massive mind block around the idea that your own vulnerability around something as meaningless as asking someone on a date is probably the most significant reason you can't get a date. For the rest of the known world, asking and saying yes or no is a totally trivial event. And if you could get to that attitude, your waft would be totally different. And dollars gets you donuts, that would result in dates.
What is really challenging with you is that you are clearly a good dude. But you have this massive mind block around the idea that your own vulnerability around something as meaningless as asking someone on a date is probably the most significant reason you can't get a date. For the rest of the known world, asking and saying yes or no is a totally trivial event. And if you could get to that attitude, your waft would be totally different. And dollars gets you donuts, that would result in dates.
It's easier said than done though for guys who are shy, lacking in social skills, short of confidence or have social anxiety problems
The guys who are carefree and don't give a damn are going to be more successful at it, that's quite obvious. It's not easy for all of us to get to that mindset.
It's easier said than done though for guys who are shy, lacking in social skills or have social anxiety problems.
It is SIMPLE but not easy. The thing that I don't understand is how many guys who are shy, lacking in social skills or have anxiety problems choose to just complain instead of addressing the problems that they know they have? I mean the poster to whom I replied does not want a relationship. Yet he comes on here complaining about how women are awful and it is easier to just be single. But if he felt that way in truth, he would not have the need to complain.
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
26,700 posts, read 41,723,992 times
Reputation: 41376
Quote:
Originally Posted by somebodynew
It is SIMPLE but not easy. The thing that I don't understand is how many guys who are shy, lacking in social skills or have anxiety problems choose to just complain instead of addressing the problems that they know they have? I mean the poster to whom I replied does not want a relationship. Yet he comes on here complaining about how women are awful and it is easier to just be single. But if he felt that way in truth, he would not have the need to complain.
You clearly have me confused with someone else. I want a relationship and have been on dates recently and asked out women.
Asking someone out isn't giving someone a vulnerable part of yourself. Maybe that's the crux of the issue, is you are mentally thinking you're investing something that you actually aren't.
Being vulnerable usually involves letting your guard down, opening up and sharing thoughts and feelings that you don't reveal to everyone. Asking someone out for a drink on Friday is none of that. It is merely a question, and the response doesn't define you as a person.
Great post, and something for us men to keep in mind. Thanks for that.
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