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Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,936 posts, read 37,037,797 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jamary1
Yeah, that's the problem with hookers....
There are women that are Dommes that aren't hookers (and would be very insulted by the insinuation), and want egalitarian relationships, and are only really Dommes sexually (though chastity cages etc might come into play). They're out there. One I know struggles in dating (and she makes good money in tech), that is, trying to find a guy who wants a real relationship and not just a string of hook ups. She generally has tried niche sites like Whiplr and FetLife, but never found relationships there, so she uses OKC for dating, but subs are hard to find for her. Everyone has challenges.
Well it is true that these women do exist, but in my experience, they usually do not want a relationship. They are tougher to get, compared to other types of women, possibly cause their sexual aggression makes them more popular, in the dating world, and there is therefore more competition with them?
But that is just a guess.
It seems to me that the greater the emphasis is (and the importance of) on a specific sexual kink then the less the emphasis is on the overall relationship. If you REALLY, REALLY want this kink then that will tend to crowd out other aspects of the relationship and the more likely it is you'll have to "settle" for the fetish itself.
You keep talking about a "relationship" but in other posts you seem to care little about the woman as a person and more as just a means to your own pleasure with little regard for her feelings. Do you just want a relationship from the standpoint of readily available sex without having to go out and look for it every weekend? Or do you want a "true" relationship that goes beyond the bedroom?
If it is to go beyond the bedroom then you will likely need to compromise on the exact kink you want and the degree, etc. Do you want the whole package or just the kink? At one extreme, if the kink/fetish is the utmost concern then be ready to pay someone for each encounter - and you'll get EXACTLY what you ask for. To the degree you want something more than that that's where compromise comes in. Get honest with yourself!
The OP connected with me on a few levels. I have ED. Only recently have I brought myself to be able to talk about it, and then only in a public forum where I'm faceless.
I may not share every aspect of ironpony's interests or bedroom inclinations, but I do love domineering women. I do not, however, have to have that.
I always felt it best to.mold myself to fit the personality and desires of whatever woman I was with. This sounds like it might be insincere or false, but I am a people pleaser, and this is just part of the act of giving pleasure to me.
If ironpony is looking for a domineering woman as opposed to an actual Domme or Dominatrix, I agree with others that it may be difficult to find a dating site that is this specific.
It may achieve better results if he were to, as others have suggested, alter his profile on a dating site to indicate that he is eager to please, takes direction well and appreciates dominant women.
I used to feel like a freak about this, but I encourage ironpony to be bold and forthright. There are women out there who share these feelings and will appreciate men with this kind of service orientation.
If he is so inclined, I have made some very good friends on Fetlife. You can totally be yourself there.
A Dominatrix is a pro (which as stated above is not a hooker & that would be quite offensive to a true Dominatrix), though there are plenty of hookers who advertise that way (we call those something along the lines of "witch with whip"). A true Domme or Dominatrix does not have sex with their clients.
I would suggest Fetlife. While it is not a dating site per se, it's a social network & you can meet all types of people with all types of interests, including dominant women. There are usually several local groups that cater to dominant women & the men (& women) who like to serve them), as long as you live or can get to a decent size metro area. I would recommend getting to know people locally with similar interests. Fetlife also has lots of ads for "munches", which are simply vanilla meetups at restaurants or bars so people can get to know each other. Munches are an excellent way to meet people in a relaxed, pressure free environment. I have also made many good friends on Fet.
There also used to be 2 other sites, alt & collarme, which were a bit more dating oriented, but I don't know how much they're used anymore since Fet became the go to place for meeting like minded people. None of them are exclusively F/m, they all welcome all orientations, but it's ez to search for your particular interest.
I will say that most of the true dominant women I know, are dominant in all parts of their lives though & not just the bedroom.
Yes, there are professionals, and the "subs" who come to Them for sexual satisfaction. And that is perfectly valid. In no way do i mean to sound judgmental about that.
But then there are real life Dominants, and subs who really just exist to serve and make their Dommes and Doms happy, with no other expectations than to have the honor of working towards this aim.
Objectively, i realize this sounds strange. Especially given that we live in a society that is only half accepting of something as common and harmless as homosexuality. Subcultures and their members typically don't fare so well.
All i can say, is that this feeling, or desire to please, is innate in me. It developed completely naturally.
i am a human being, and a sexual creature. I enjoy straight sex.
But serving a Domme is its own reward and, weird though it may sound, for me there is no real sexual component to it. If anything, it is more transcendent than sex. It's profound and pure. It has to do with chivalry. That's just my tuppence.
I'd like to help people rise above the stigmas associated with this lifestyle, which is a very broad spectrum of people and which includes our family members, colleagues, bosses, friends...we aren't freaks. Most of us.
Location: In the cold, dark wasteland of eternity...
926 posts, read 674,953 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Griffis
^^^ Brava, MsMetal.
Yes, there are professionals, and the "subs" who come to Them for sexual satisfaction. And that is perfectly valid. In no way do i mean to sound judgmental about that.
But then there are real life Dominants, and subs who really just exist to serve and make their Dommes and Doms happy, with no other expectations than to have the honor of working towards this aim.
Objectively, i realize this sounds strange. Especially given that we live in a society that is only half accepting of something as common and harmless as homosexuality. Subcultures and their members typically don't fare so well.
All i can say, is that this feeling, or desire to please, is innate in me. It developed completely naturally.
i am a human being, and a sexual creature. I enjoy straight sex.
But serving a Domme is its own reward and, weird though it may sound, for me there is no real sexual component to it. If anything, it is more transcendent than sex. It's profound and pure. It has to do with chivalry. That's just my tuppence.
I'd like to help people rise above the stigmas associated with this lifestyle, which is a very broad spectrum of people and which includes our family members, colleagues, bosses, friends...we aren't freaks. Most of us.
Ya know, I have read about this type of lifestyle and have spoken about it with others throughout my life...and, there was something I've always wondered about - which I hope someone here can help me understand.
What I wonder is: Could a person who engages in this lifestyle - not just on an occasional whim, but mostly (if not) every day of their life - have self-esteem or narcissist issues?
I wonder this because, for me personally (and for most people as well), I could/would NEVER "submit" to ANYONE in any way, UNLESS we were role playing or doing it to kid around. I have wayyy too much respect for myself to ever allow ANYONE to dominate me in any way - especially sexually.
Alternatively, I am a kind person; I'm too empathetic and too caring about others to ever want to dominate anyone (in ANY way) and make them feel "less than" just for my own personal amusement or to satisfy some weird "kink" that makes me feel more superior than they are.
I wonder if people like this could (or do) suffer from low self-esteem issues (subs) or some type of narcissistic personality disorder (doms). And if not, how could a normal person who does have high self-esteem and who does NOT suffer from any type of narcissistic tendencies flip this type of switch on whenever they feel like it?
And, most importantly, WHY would someone WANT TO demean another person and make them feel inferior.......and WHY would someone want to lower themselves to a position where they take orders from another person and blindly "obey" someone else who does NOT have their best interests at heart?
Idk....but, I just don't see how empathy, kindness and selflessness could exist in the same person who is a dominant...and, I don't see how high self-esteem, integrity and self-respect could exist within the same person who is a submissive...
Ya know, I have read about this type of lifestyle and have spoken about it with others throughout my life...and, there was something I've always wondered about - which I hope someone here can help me understand.
What I wonder is: Could a person who engages in this lifestyle - not just on an occasional whim, but mostly (if not) every day of their life - have self-esteem or narcissist issues?
I wonder this because, for me personally (and for most people as well), I could/would NEVER "submit" to ANYONE in any way, UNLESS we were role playing or doing it to kid around. I have wayyy too much respect for myself to ever allow ANYONE to dominate me in any way - especially sexually.
Alternatively, I am a kind person; I'm too empathetic and too caring about others to ever want to dominate anyone (in ANY way) and make them feel "less than" just for my own personal amusement or to satisfy some weird "kink" that makes me feel more superior than they are.
I wonder if people like this could (or do) suffer from low self-esteem issues (subs) or some type of narcissistic personality disorder (doms). And if not, how could a normal person who does have high self-esteem and who does NOT suffer from any type of narcissistic tendencies flip this type of switch on whenever they feel like it?
And, most importantly, WHY would someone WANT TO demean another person and make them feel inferior.......and WHY would someone want to lower themselves to a position where they take orders from another person and blindly "obey" someone else who does NOT have their best interests at heart?
Idk....but, I just don't see how empathy, kindness and selflessness could exist in the same person who is a dominant...and, I don't see how high self-esteem, integrity and self-respect could exist within the same person who is a submissive...
April, you make good points, and I have pondered them myself. All I can offer is to say I think many people have a misconception, or narrow conception, of whatever may fall under the umbrella of BDSM, kink, fetish lifestyles. As if it just means "Well, they are into leather and being tied up and whipped" or whatever. It's not a world with limits like that.
People are individuals and each has their own reasons for having these feelings, stemming most likely from a certain percentage of nature and a certain percentage of nurture.
I was abused as a young person and have always had self-esteem issues. An outside observer may think "Oh, that explains a lot" but I don't know that this shaped me in those ways. Many submissives don't have a similar background, and not everyone who ever suffered abuse will turn out to be a sub, or an abuser themselves.
I have never had a real life experience with a Domme, but i have become friends with some online, and speak with other submissives as well.
Yes, there are masochists and sadists who seek to receive or give pain, for the endorphine rush, sexual thrill, power exchange.
There are those who want to be mistreated, like dirt, and have abuse heaped on them.
But there are many, I feel, who just believe Women In Control is the natural order, or who are naturally submissve to a Dominant of any gender, or range of gender identities.
There are many Dommes who are very loving and nurturing. Not motherly in the sense of "adult babies" who like to be diapered up and infantilized, though that exists too and is very much not my thing.
Between many Dommes or Doms and Their subs there exists a very powerful, mutual bond of caring and being protective of each other. It's not always a case of being mistreated, etc. For some subs, they find strength and pride and a feeling of worth just doing their best to make their Dominant happy. I can't express it any more plainly, or explain why or how there are people who feel and behave this way.
What a dreary world this would be if everyone behaved the same way and believed the same things.
So while you may be onto something with the "sub=low self esteem" and "Domme/Dom=narcissist" paradigm, I would say, with all respect, that this is also a bit of an oversimplification and generalization.
Ditto Griffis... WAY oversimplification and generalization. Like, big time. Lol. Just... nope.
Fet can be a great resource and community. One of my dear friends, a polyamorous sub, referred me to the site several years ago, and it's how I came across OKCupid. There's a large "alt" subculture on OKC, which I really, really liked, and the area I was in at the time has a big kink community. OKC was a great way to find like-minded kinky people, as well as my overall type, and not-so surprisingly, a lot of the men I met on OKC were on fet.
There are sensual Dommes/Doms, which was my preference, 'cause I'm not a traditional sub, at all. Top/bottom or switching is one thing, but I'm not wired to be a sub. I've also been the dominant partner, or a Top. Those who are submissive are not necessarily dealing with deep seated issues or struggling with low self-esteem. There are lifestyle subs, and subs that keep it strictly in the bedroom. There are different dynamics and reasons for desiring certain kink.
And no, Fifty Shades is not representative of bdsm culture.
Ditto Griffis... WAY oversimplification and generalization. Like, big time. Lol. Just... nope.
Fet can be a great resource and community. One of my dear friends, a polyamorous sub, referred me to the site several years ago, and it's how I came across OKCupid. There's a large "alt" subculture on OKC, which I really, really liked, and the area I was in at the time has a big kink community. OKC was a great way to find like-minded kinky people, as well as my overall type, and not-so surprisingly, a lot of the men I met on OKC were on fet.
There are sensual Dommes/Doms, which was my preference, 'cause I'm not a traditional sub, at all. Top/bottom or switching is one thing, but I'm not wired to be a sub. I've also been the dominant partner, or a Top. Those who are submissive are not necessarily dealing with deep seated issues or struggling with low self-esteem. There are lifestyle subs, and subs that keep it strictly in the bedroom. There are different dynamics and reasons for desiring certain kink.
And no, Fifty Shades is not representative of bdsm culture.
Excellently put. I should have mentioned that within the range of interests and lifestyle or pure kink approaches to things in this scene, there are, of course, wide variations within many individuals. Many people are "switches" and have multiple facets to their interests, and many different dimensions to their personality. I'm not that way, but it's the natural way for some.
It's been helpful to learn about the subtleties of the fetish life, but that's waaaaaaaaay off into the weeds for the OP.
He isn't really looking for a dominant partner. He is on the autism spectrum and just needs to be with someone more aggressive than most women. The problem is that he also believes he will just be able to walk up and figure this out about someone, when it's the kind of thing you figure out by getting to know them.
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