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Let me say this another way, I am dating a guy your age. I do not even want kids with him, and I will not be waiting around 3 years for him to propose / marry me.
This discussion is taking a very ignorant turn very fast.
I am the only person here who can say if I want kids or not.
So, the rule of thumb is, if you have it figured out, be upfront about it.
If you don't have it figured out, figure it out.
What you don't need to do, unless you're okay with being a complete *******, is withhold that info when you know it doesn't match what the other person wants and communicates to you.
Either way, be honest about your stance, and don't be a dick about the people you date being honest about theirs.
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I want kids at age 36 or later. Not at age 33. If she asks me directly about kids I will tell her. Its her job to bring this discussion up if its a priority for her.
She did bring it up. You know there is a likelihood of what she wants being incompatible with what you want. Yet, you are stringing it along, in full knowledge of that. Wonder why?
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35 is not middle aged. When someone says they saw a "middle age person" walk by, they are not talking about a 35 year old, they are usually talking about someone around 50.
This is purely a matter of individual perspective. 21-year olds will and do consider 35-year olds middle aged. They find 50 ancient.
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You cannot tell me if I want kids or not. I am the only person here who can comment on that. I want kids after I'm 36.
Why are you telling us that?
You should be telling the woman you're seeing that. It will instantly clear up your issue. Why is this a problem?
I just don't see the need for drama. She knows what she wants, she communicated it in a low key way, no manipulation, no hidden agenda, no early forcing the issue. If you care about someone you don't dig your heels in and insist it's her job to force the issue (which if she did, she would be seen as demanding or unreasonable). You communicate. You make sure you're on the same page. You don't create conflict out of nothing.
Take advice from someone who is "officially" middle aged. The problem is really just that different people have different priorities and even if she clicks the rest of your checkboxes (pretty, similar interests, etc) everybody's got their own agenda, and hers being different doesn't make her wrong or maladjusted. The fact that you take an offhand comment about future kids and want to generalize that women are unhealthy for wanting kids before 35, when not all women do, and when this woman even might not, says a whole lot about you, putting people into boxes. You'd rather fight or assign communication "jobs" to people than build a relationship.
This woman is doing everything right, she's being honest and communicative and open. Any pathologizing a man does of that is solely on him.
Just because she brought the subject up doesn't mean she wants it all to happen next week, but rather it's a goal she's working toward. She doesn't want to spend 3 years with you only to find out you don't share the same goals. YOU are making this about rushing, not her.
I hope you're right.
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Originally Posted by TabulaRasa
So, the rule of thumb is, if you have it figured out, be upfront about it.
If you don't have it figured out, figure it out.
What you don't need to do, unless you're okay with being a complete *******, is withhold that info when you know it doesn't match what the other person wants and communicates to you.
Either way, be honest about your stance, and don't be a dick about the people you date being honest about theirs.
She did bring it up. You know there is a likelihood of what she wants being incompatible with what you want. Yet, you are stringing it along, in full knowledge of that. Wonder why?
This is purely a matter of individual perspective. 21-year olds will and do consider 35-year olds middle aged. They find 50 ancient.
I'm not withholding information. She hasn't asked me.
When I was 21 I didn't consider 35 to be middle aged. I don't know anyone other than the people in this thread who consider 35 middle aged. Also, who cares what 21 year olds think?
And to think decades ago men had careers, families, some even served time in the military say by age 25. Now a women at 35 who wants kids is "taking things too fast." Yeah, sorry but biologically it gets harder each year that you age to conceive once you hit a certain age. And if I was that age with no kids, having kids pretty soon would be on my agenda since I'd have 0 desire to have like a 1 year old at 40. And this is all stuff that was discussed with my DH and I before getting married.
I'm not withholding information. She hasn't asked me.
When I was 21 I didn't consider 35 to be middle aged. I don't know anyone other than the people in this thread who consider 35 middle aged. Also, who cares what 21 year olds think?
When I was 21 I didn't consider 35 to be middle aged. I don't know anyone other than the people in this thread who consider 35 middle aged. Also, who cares what 21 year olds think?
The life expectancy in the US is about 76 for Men and 80 for Women, these are averages of course, but yes 35 is actually closer to middle age. Most don't live to 90 or 100.
So I'm dating a girl I really like. Its only been a few months. We are both the same age (33). She recently mentioned wanting kids, but in a very indirect way. It was just dropped into the conversation like "When I have kids, blah, blah, blah" and new topic after.
So I'm open to eventually getting married and having kids, but I can't see myself doing it for at least another three years. With her being 33, I'm wondering if she might be in a colossal rush to settle down?
We just started dating so I really need to get to know her more before even thinking about marriage and kids. That will take at least a year or two. Plus, there is a lot of traveling I want to do first. She seems like possible wife material (hard to find), but its way too early to make that call.
Just wanted some thoughts on the situation.
Here is a crazy thought. Knowing that women are people, they are going to have different timelines. Why not ask HER what HER's are.
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