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the wedding is HER day to shine, not yours. most of us guys would just as easily stand in front of a justice of the peace and be married with a few people around us. most women on the other hand want the wedding celebration, they want the large crowd of people, and they want it to go their way.
let her have the day. be that laid back guy and go with the flow. your bride to be is a detail oriented person, and has probably thought of her wedding day since she was five years old.
Quote:
Originally Posted by TabulaRasa
This is all nonsense.
No actually, this is a sad reality. Most guys I know would be happy with a quite ceremony with just a few people that they really want to see. Followed perhaps by a small low key party at some bar or pub.
Very few guys dream of wearing a tuxedo and being stared at by hundreds of strangers. Very few guys want to essentially star in a spectacle called modern "wedding". And no one wants to spend 30K on this...
Status:
"This too shall pass. But possibly, like a kidney stone."
(set 2 days ago)
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Andy, a lot of people use the phrase, "we have our differences like all couples" that's code for we aren't a match.
It's true everyone has differences in their partners, but interestingly, those who use that phrase have differences that are concerning.
Just a heads up.
Off topic, people who say "to be honest" are about to tell you something that's only borderline true, and people who say "to make a long story short" just told you a very long boring story.
I was engaged to a woman whom I thought I loved, and wedding plans were in the preliminary stage. Everybody knew and figured we had a strong foundation. Still, along the way, as it approached, all I saw was that I was a granter of wishes, and because I was laid back, I had neglected my own thoughts and feelings all along the way. It was all about letting the other person prevail. That was not me. Ceding everything was not me. I had been telling myself that this was just a temporary suspension of myself and that, after the wedding, things would right themselves. How dangerous that was. I was postponing advocating for who I was. It was an inauthentic dynamic.
She had made several requests along the way that were wholly and financially imprudent and I saw that she really did not see this. My practice of granting wishes was fitting right in to a problem. I kept ceding because, wedding and she is female. Something was not right here. I was starting to get a twisted feeling in my gut when I was with her. That was weird that my body was telling me something was wrong.
The end came when she presented what amounted to a demand without discussion and, when my trusted intuition perceived that the leverage behind her demand was her expectation that I could never do something as public as calling off the wedding, I flew into a rage and called off the wedding.
Damn, it felt good to put an end to that role I was playing. Being whole is the best feeling. Being whole feels right. My gut had been telling me I was not myself. I was performing a role.
I have never regretted calling off the wedding. It was the best thing I ever did. I shudder at the way I imitated the male role that I saw or heard about in other guys. I am convinced I avoided much post-wedding trouble. You gotta be authentic all the way.
It was my fault, too, as I was not in love. I was needing to be finally understood, and I mistook attention for understanding. My stomach was not fooled.
Status:
"This too shall pass. But possibly, like a kidney stone."
(set 2 days ago)
35,885 posts, read 18,195,824 times
Reputation: 50966
Quote:
Originally Posted by old_cold
I don't suppose you would consider that it just means we aren't a 100% perfect match?
I don't think anyone really considers their partner a "perfect match" - but when I see that phrase "we have our differences, but don't all couples", "we fight sometimes, but who doesn't" it's followed by stories that make it clear the two aren't a good match.
Sounds like you are nervous about your abilities about being a good husband, a good parent and just being good at your responsibilities. All responsible persons often do that. The change in eating habits is also common with nervousness.
However, you should be concerned about letting her make all the decisions. There must be some balance and that will require you to be more assertive. Family life doesn't work with being laid back. Believe me, I doubt you were more laid back than I was, and I have overcome it. As long as you are able to be your true self around her, you can be confident in making the next step. Hope This Helps
I was engaged to a woman whom I thought I loved, and wedding plans were in the preliminary stage. Everybody knew and figured we had a strong foundation. Still, along the way, as it approached, all I saw was that I was a granter of wishes, and because I was laid back, I had neglected my own thoughts and feelings all along the way. It was all about letting the other person prevail. That was not me. Ceding everything was not me. I had been telling myself that this was just a temporary suspension of myself and that, after the wedding, things would right themselves. How dangerous that was. I was postponing advocating for who I was. It was an inauthentic dynamic.
She had made several requests along the way that were wholly and financially imprudent and I saw that she really did not see this. My practice of granting wishes was fitting right in to a problem. I kept ceding because, wedding and she is female. Something was not right here. I was starting to get a twisted feeling in my gut when I was with her. That was weird that my body was telling me something was wrong.
The end came when she presented what amounted to a demand without discussion and, when my trusted intuition perceived that the leverage behind her demand was her expectation that I could never do something as public as calling off the wedding, I flew into a rage and called off the wedding.
Damn, it felt good to put an end to that role I was playing. Being whole is the best feeling. Being whole feels right. My gut had been telling me I was not myself. I was performing a role.
I have never regretted calling off the wedding. It was the best thing I ever did. I shudder at the way I imitated the male role that I saw or heard about in other guys. I am convinced I avoided much post-wedding trouble. You gotta be authentic all the way.
It was my fault, too, as I was not in love. I was needing to be finally understood, and I mistook attention for understanding. My stomach was not fooled.
Good post. I wonder if this might be the OP's situation. I also wonder if the OP will ever return to his thread. Hasn't posted since the original post.
I don't think anyone really considers their partner a "perfect match" - but when I see that phrase "we have our differences, but don't all couples", "we fight sometimes, but who doesn't" it's followed by stories that make it clear the two aren't a good match.
In my observation.
Yeah, I'm always a bit wary of those statements that dismiss frequent fighting as "normal" for any couple.
Yeah, I'm always a bit wary of those statements that dismiss frequent fighting as "normal" for any couple.
"Sometimes" does not translate to "frequent".
Arguments can mean something as innocuous as which restaurant is better or whether or not 'friend" John is an AH.
I'm not a relationship person. But if you have been happy for 3 years together in the same home, I hardly see how marriage would change much beyond your management of finances. Can you envision a happy and perfectly content life apart from her? Not if she died, but if you knew she was living one town over from you and could drive over and see her if you wanted. Would you be content NOT driving over and just moving on with your life? Would you be perfectly fine with her finding someone else?
Do you have any fears for your future together that are based specifically on unpleasant traits she has exhibited?
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