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You seem like a rational and not unintelligent person
So, it's a bit disturbing that you seemed to have missed the mark with this.
I'm in no way saying that one way of living is right and the other is wrong.
I'm saying that people who think that the concept of remaining friends with exes is wrong are wrong. And this likely stems from emotional immaturity.
And these are not the type of people that I'd be interested in having a relationship with.
What you're not understanding is a lot of ex's (my ex's included) dont want to be friends, even if I wanted to. So, you're basically putting me in your category as emotionally immature, which I find hilarious, because emotionally immature is far from what I am. Most of the time, anyway.
After a breakup, emotions run high, couples get angry, hurt, jealous, bitter and insecure (all part of being a human is all about) but for some reason, you're not getting this elementary reasoning why people dont remain friends with ex lovers. It's probably because you have little to no experience in dating a lot of different type of women and being in various relationships. You deem it as being emotionally immature, I call it being human.
When we leave our significant other or they leave us, staying as friends isn’t usually the first thought that comes into our minds. But later on in life, when the echoes of our quarrels have died down and our hearts have healed, our minds tend to drift to thoughts of our ex, especially if they’ve been part of our lives for quite some time.
We think about the one that got away and what it could have been had things worked out with them. We see their pictures on social media and wonder why you’re still friends in Facebook. Then we ask ourselves if it’s okay to keep being friends with an ex. Is it really alright, though?
Personally, I think being friends with an ex can be beneficial. It’s a sign of maturity that we’re able to accept an ex’s friendship without attaching any romantic feelings. It’s also good for closure, like if you had a falling-out with your partner and your relationship ended abruptly, revisiting your relationship some time later can help weave the wounds close. It gives us an opportunity to forgive and forget and release any grudge we hold in our hearts. Peacefully, of course.
A platonic friendship with an ex is great for practical reasons too. I know a guy who still lives with his ex-girlfriend. They’ve been in a relationship for around eight years in the same house, and they had stuff they bought and paid for together. When they fell out of love, they just agreed to keep the status quo as it would’ve been too much trouble sorting out who owns this piece of furniture, or that unwashed plushy.
In times of need, each of them still provides for the other even if they’re no longer dating. It may seem like they’re still a couple, but they’ve agreed that that’s not the case and that there’s no more romantic love between them anymore. It’s just simple friendship between two ex-lovers.
When we’ve broken up with someone, we sometimes think that that was the end, that there’s nothing to think about anymore as it is over and there’s no getting back together. But sometimes, something beautiful can remain buried beneath the ashes of a failed relationship. Being friends with an ex can lead to a different sort of friendship.
Do you think being friends with an ex is good? Share some of your stories.
No. It ends up getting in the way down the road, either with moving on, or to another relationship. Being cordial is one thing, friends is another. Having kids together is a whole different story though.
Personally, my ex wife who didn't really want to try anymore on the marriage, but seemed to want to stay "buddies", can go #$%! herself. Nothing personal. It was a long time ago and we've long moved on, but why bother?
Some can be friends and move on, some still hang on "just in case". Of the people that I've known, if they hang on and be friends, talk, and hang out... then they still want a relationship with the ex.
When I've dated someone who was still great friends with their ex, they were hanging on and just wanted "some" on the side. Short term, mostly sexual relationship is all I had with them. Definitely not potential for a serious relationship.
It's also funny how they get upset if they have 50 pix of ex to maybe one or two of you together. Call them out on it and they get all pi$$y. lol
You're right.
I'm surely not.
So, why waste time bringing that up?
I'm just curious why so many people liked someone enough to date them, maybe love them, and then decide they want them completely out of their life.
It speaks to me that that person doesn't make good choices in partners.
Because in reality, how many relationships are there where everything is so great, that minus the intimacy, I still want it? The whole "we're better off as friends" thing?
OK- maybe someone who dated for 6 months I can see, so lets lump that into a different category. But not a serious relationship or marriage- usually when those end, they end for a reason. And its not always two sided.
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
26,706 posts, read 41,851,890 times
Reputation: 41424
Quote:
Originally Posted by CBeisbol
Of course.
I have I posted anything that rational person of something like average intelligence could construe as my saying otherwise?
If you dated quality people who you "valued, respected, trusted, loved, confided in and were healthy to their well-being"
Why would they hinder your growth as a person?
Why would you not want them to be a part of your future?
Why would they be special over other friendships I've ended because we were going in different directions? Sometimes to get better you have to let go completely of the status quo. I had a best friend I made when we were both Christians, when I became an atheist, the friendship naturally and slowly ended. He didn't hate me for disconcerting i didn't hate him for his beliefs but for both of us to advance in our chosen paths, an active friendship wasn't conducive to either of us.
In my opinion, with an ex you have to be 100% gone to be able to turn to the next page of your dating life, even if they aren't a terrible person.
What you're not understanding is a lot of ex's (my ex's included) dont want to be friends, even if I wanted to. So, you're basically putting me in your category as emotionally immature, which I find hilarious, because emotionally immature is far from what I am. Most of the time, anyway.
This has nothing to do with it.
I'm talking about people who disagree with the concept of being friends after a breakup. That has nada to do with what the other person wants
Quote:
After a breakup, emotions run high, couples get angry, hurt, jealous, bitter and insecure (all part of being a human is all about) but for some reason, you're not getting this elementary reasoning why people dont remain friends with ex lovers.
Emotions run high, of course.
The others are signs of emotional immaturity - especially if not, as another poster mentioned, dealt with.
Quote:
It's probably because you have little to no experience in dating a lot of different type of women and being in various relationships.
What, pray tell, do you know about my dating experience?
Quote:
Originally Posted by dbsteel
Because in reality, how many relationships are there where everything is so great, that minus the intimacy, I still want it? The whole "we're better off as friends" thing?
How many friendships are there where everything is great?
That, it appears, you have relationships that, minus the intimacy, are worse than your friendships, is one of the red flags I'd be aware of.
Quote:
Originally Posted by The Dissenter
Why would they be special over other friendships I've ended because we were going in different directions?
They wouldn't. What are you talking about?
Quote:
Sometimes to get better you have to let go completely of the status quo. I had a best friend I made when we were both Christians, when I became an atheist, the friendship naturally and slowly ended. He didn't hate me for disconcerting i didn't hate him for his beliefs but for both of us to advance in our chosen paths, an active friendship wasn't conducive to either of us.
Sure.
Did you lose all of your religious friends?
If not, then you see that going in different directions doesn't have to end a friendship.
Just the same, it doesn't block a relationship from becoming a friendship.
Say that two people, in a strong relationship, breakup because one wants children and the other doesn't.
They want two different directions in their lives
What precludes them from being friends?
Quote:
In my opinion, with an ex you have to be 100% gone to be able to turn to the next page of your dating life, even if they aren't a terrible person.
I don't agree with your opinion
And, we've likely had different experiences that have lead us to these opinions.
Why have we had those different experiences?
I also prefer not to deal with people whose every breakup is a storm of high emotion and drama, too.
In fact when I was dating, because I wasn't even looking for "serious" relationships at that time (though if they wound up evolving to it in time, that was ok) one of my biggest thoughts when meeting people and getting to know their character and history, was, "If this ends, what does that look like?" The guy who had, in one of his social media profiles, a ton of emotional writings about how torn up he was over a breakup? He was a big "nope" for me. The other guy who had a girlfriend simply want to move away to pursue an educational opportunity, so she broke up with him because she doesn't do long distance relationships, and he was constantly posting dramatic stuff about heartbreak and how he never wanted to see or talk to her again? Also a huge "nope."
I don't go into relationships expecting them to last forever. People change. Life and death happen. Endings happen. If you blow a gasket every time and can't handle it, I don't want to look forward to possibly dealing with that.
But the former relationships I still have really close friendships with...they weren't obsessive, intense affairs to begin with. I adore them, they adore me, but literally every other aspect of it took a backseat to the friendship qualities we had together, when we were a thing, so I think it only makes sense that we'd want to keep that. Also, none of us were very possessive of one another. So they respected my choices when I said I needed to stop being a girlfriend to them, and just be a close friend instead. They were a bit disappointed, but not heartbroken.
The only ex I have that I really don't want in my life, was not a great relationship and by the end was truly toxic. I am so glad that the great majority of my relationships didn't end that way.
Location: In the cold, dark wasteland of eternity...
926 posts, read 676,224 times
Reputation: 1525
Quote:
Originally Posted by CBeisbol
That definitely sounds completely healthy - your past relationships are 'wounds'
Yep, it's a VERY healthy way to look at it, actually. Past relationships where an ex was toxic, abusive and had cheated SHOULD be looked at as a wound - a wound that, once healed, should STAY that way; and the only way for it to STAY healed is for a smart person to NOT have anything to do with that ex.
You make it sound like every ex is eligible to be friends with a person and that there's nothing wrong with it. What you fail to realize though, is that not everyone wants to be 'friends' with their ex, even if that ex wasn't particularly toxic or didn't cause them any emotional pain.
It's not fair for a new love interest to have to deal with knowing that their date will be regularly talking to, messaging and spending time with their ex. You may be perfectly alright with that and may even invite their ex over for tea and crumpets...but not everyone would be on board with that. Me personally, I'd bail and find a guy who doesn't keep his exes orbiting around him.
Sometimes...people just want to part company with an ex and STAY parted. Forever.
This has nothing to do with it.
I'm talking about people who disagree with the concept of being friends after a breakup. That has nada to do with what the other person wants
Emotions run high, of course.
The others are signs of emotional immaturity - especially if not, as another poster mentioned, dealt with.
What, pray tell, do you know about my dating experience?
I can only conclude, you have little no dating experience, because of your lack of understanding about human behavior when it comes to relationships and matters of the heart.
You strongly believe, ALL friendships are meant to last forever, and anything less is being immature; reality says otherwise. As Ive said many pages back "people change....hearts change ... life is ever-changing.
I'm curious, how many romantic relationships have you been in?
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