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Thanks all, for the engaging post replies. I'd just like to add a few things. I'm not in a full time office working position. I do consulting work, so I mostly interact with my clients and do remote work more than actually spending time with my coworkers. I attend meetings and other company requirements when necessary. I report to my boss regularly. I'm also currently employed by two other companies, so this job is not the be all end all of my existence. Also, I'm not a rookie trying to "sleep my way to the top." I have many years of experience in my field and my work was already praised and acknowledged by my coworkers before I started getting touchy feels with my boss. I am confident to perform well in my work whether or not I'm dating anyone in my office. I know I can also find another company that will hire me immediately if I lose this job. Our company policy does not prohibit dating between coworkers, but it is not encouraged. That being said, I do worry that it would still risk my boss losing his job if people were to find out. I'm not trying to make him lose his job, and I'm not even trying to make something crazy happen. Obviously, I'm old enough to know what's wrong about the typical scenarios that you all mentioned. I just think my situation is a bit different because like I've mentioned, he is a "superior" but I still do my independent work at a company that doesn't strictly prohibit dating. I am infatuated with not only his physical appearance but his work ethic and personality as well, so I just wanted to know if the attraction is mutual and how I can get to know him better. Like some of you said, it could be just an infatuation so it would be helpful to find out more about him. But Our office is very formal so there are no happy hours or office parties or things like that and I don't want to come across as too eager or unprofessional.
What is a good way to create a situation for more casual/personal conversation?
I can feel more preferential treatment (even for my competency level of work) and attention from him these days, making my gut feelings stronger that he may be into me as well.
In other words, "Whatever, y'all. I don't need this job. I have two other jobs."
Here's the thing: You really seriously could be misreading all of this. You don't know him well enough to ascertain whether he is showing interest or being friendly. And if you pursue this, you could be hurting yourself:
"It’s an unintended consequence of a season of sex scandals. Research shows that building genuine relationships with senior people is perhaps the most important contributor to career advancement. In some offices it’s known as having a rabbi; researchers call it sponsorship. Unlike mentors, who give advice and are often formally assigned, sponsors know and respect people enough that they are willing to find opportunities for them, and advocate and fight for them.
But women are less likely to build such relationships, in part because both senior men and junior women worry that a relationship will be misread by others."
Of course, if you insist on continuing this obsession, I recommend being direct. Just ramp up the flirting when you're alone.
I think it's a terrible idea, but at least then you will know.
Wmsn4Life: Your comment kind of illustrates what I was talking about. Some of your last post comes across as smug (especially the first line) even if you didn't intend it that way. Clearly, OP is saying she doesn't need this job, but your opening line pooh-poohs that some in a fairly condescending manner. She's very clear: She doesn't need this job. She's not looking to move up in this company. Any potential repercussions will not harm her career wise. She's clearly thought everything through and has a good understanding of the situation and its ramifications. Apparently, the most realistic worst-case scenario is that the boss shoots her down, and she suffers some mild embarrassment. Guys go through this all the time when asking women out on dates, but it's hardly any reason to just give up.
The article you quoted is very interesting. Thanks for sharing that. I do understand that women have it much, much tougher in the workplace. However, it feels as if you are asking OP to help shoulder the load of all women in the workforce. But, the situations described in the article are not really germane to the OP, and she shouldn't have to give up personal desires to fight a fight that isn't her's.
Obsession? Really? You could describe it that way, I suppose; although, I feel that's being needlessly negative. OP finds the boss attractive. She thinks he's a nice, funny person that she'd like to get to know better. Yes, that could seem obsessive, but it's also how relationships are born.
OP: It's clear you've thought this through and have a full understanding of the situation. I do still think it's very likely that you'll have to be the one to make the first move. Your boss has a lot more invested on his side, and harassment is likely still a very real fear.
I think your best best is to try and find a way to spend some time with him out of work in a casual way. There's a couple different things I have done in the past you could try:
One, you could throw a party/weekend afternoon BBQ. This idea is especially good if there's a big following for a college/NFL football team where you can have a BBQ for a bunch of people to get together to watch the game. This allows you to get your boss in an atmosphere where you can get to know him better, but there's not the pressure and implications that could come in a one-on-one scenario. Of course, if you work in the kind of place where this kind of get together would be very out of the ordinary, this might not work. Further, even if your coworkers might be willing to show up, your boss might be reticent to hang out with his subordinates outside of work.
Two, tell your boss that a friend/family member gave you a couple of tickets to a sporting event, concert, etc. Tell him that no one from your circle of friends is available to go with you, and, since you'd hate to see the tickets go to waste, ask him if he'd like to go with you. This idea is better than the first idea. It's still casual, but it provides more of the one-on-one time you're undoubtedly looking for. However, it also has the implication of being a bit more serious, so he'll probably shoot you down if he's in a long-term relationship. But, you're looking to obtain that information anyway, so... It's still a casual enough request that you won't have to feel too embarrassed if he shoots you down or word got out to your coworkers.
Good luck, OP. We can't always control who we become attracted to, and, contrary to the beliefs of some here, it's not always possible to just turn those feelings off. I've done some stupid things in my life, but I don't regret any of them. The only things I regret are the things I haven't done, the moments and opportunities I let slip by. In most cases my advice is always going to be: Love is worth the gamble. Hope you find it.
[quote=Lovedianaroses;49796346]Thanks all, for the engaging post replies. I'd just like to add a few things. I'm not in a full time office working position. I do consulting work, so I mostly interact with my clients and do remote work more than actually spending time with my coworkers. I attend meetings and other company requirements when necessary. I report to my boss regularly. I'm also currently employed by two other companies, so this job is not the be all end all of my existence. Also, I'm not a rookie trying to "sleep my way to the top." I have many years of experience in my field and my work was already praised and acknowledged by my coworkers before I started getting touchy feels with my boss... [quote]
So then just quit this job and leave you contact information to your current boss. There would be absolutely no issue in dating him. But before that, you might want to ask around the office to find out if your manager has a SO and is not gay
Wmsn4Life: Your comment kind of illustrates what I was talking about. Some of your last post comes across as smug (especially the first line) even if you didn't intend it that way. Clearly, OP is saying she doesn't need this job, but your opening line pooh-poohs that some in a fairly condescending manner. She's very clear: She doesn't need this job. She's not looking to move up in this company. Any potential repercussions will not harm her career wise. She's clearly thought everything through and has a good understanding of the situation and its ramifications. Apparently, the most realistic worst-case scenario is that the boss shoots her down, and she suffers some mild embarrassment. Guys go through this all the time when asking women out on dates, but it's hardly any reason to just give up.
The article you quoted is very interesting. Thanks for sharing that. I do understand that women have it much, much tougher in the workplace. However, it feels as if you are asking OP to help shoulder the load of all women in the workforce. But, the situations described in the article are not really germane to the OP, and she shouldn't have to give up personal desires to fight a fight that isn't her's.
Obsession? Really? You could describe it that way, I suppose; although, I feel that's being needlessly negative. OP finds the boss attractive. She thinks he's a nice, funny person that she'd like to get to know better. Yes, that could seem obsessive, but it's also how relationships are born.
OP: It's clear you've thought this through and have a full understanding of the situation. I do still think it's very likely that you'll have to be the one to make the first move. Your boss has a lot more invested on his side, and harassment is likely still a very real fear.
I think your best best is to try and find a way to spend some time with him out of work in a casual way. There's a couple different things I have done in the past you could try:
One, you could throw a party/weekend afternoon BBQ. This idea is especially good if there's a big following for a college/NFL football team where you can have a BBQ for a bunch of people to get together to watch the game. This allows you to get your boss in an atmosphere where you can get to know him better, but there's not the pressure and implications that could come in a one-on-one scenario. Of course, if you work in the kind of place where this kind of get together would be very out of the ordinary, this might not work. Further, even if your coworkers might be willing to show up, your boss might be reticent to hang out with his subordinates outside of work.
Two, tell your boss that a friend/family member gave you a couple of tickets to a sporting event, concert, etc. Tell him that no one from your circle of friends is available to go with you, and, since you'd hate to see the tickets go to waste, ask him if he'd like to go with you. This idea is better than the first idea. It's still casual, but it provides more of the one-on-one time you're undoubtedly looking for. However, it also has the implication of being a bit more serious, so he'll probably shoot you down if he's in a long-term relationship. But, you're looking to obtain that information anyway, so... It's still a casual enough request that you won't have to feel too embarrassed if he shoots you down or word got out to your coworkers.
Good luck, OP. We can't always control who we become attracted to, and, contrary to the beliefs of some here, it's not always possible to just turn those feelings off. I've done some stupid things in my life, but I don't regret any of them. The only things I regret are the things I haven't done, the moments and opportunities I let slip by. In most cases my advice is always going to be: Love is worth the gamble. Hope you find it.
djsuperfly:
Before the OP does any of this, she should 1) find out if he is in a relationship and 2) if there is a company policy regarding superiors not dating subordinates.
Just because the OP does not mind dating her boss does not mean that he minds dating her.
I would think that her boss would not want to get in trouble with Senior management.
Wmsn4Life: Your comment kind of illustrates what I was talking about. Some of your last post comes across as smug (especially the first line) even if you didn't intend it that way. Clearly, OP is saying she doesn't need this job, but your opening line pooh-poohs that some in a fairly condescending manner. She's very clear: She doesn't need this job. She's not looking to move up in this company. Any potential repercussions will not harm her career wise. She's clearly thought everything through and has a good understanding of the situation and its ramifications. Apparently, the most realistic worst-case scenario is that the boss shoots her down, and she suffers some mild embarrassment. Guys go through this all the time when asking women out on dates, but it's hardly any reason to just give up.
The article you quoted is very interesting. Thanks for sharing that. I do understand that women have it much, much tougher in the workplace. However, it feels as if you are asking OP to help shoulder the load of all women in the workforce. But, the situations described in the article are not really germane to the OP, and she shouldn't have to give up personal desires to fight a fight that isn't her's.
Obsession? Really? You could describe it that way, I suppose; although, I feel that's being needlessly negative. OP finds the boss attractive. She thinks he's a nice, funny person that she'd like to get to know better. Yes, that could seem obsessive, but it's also how relationships are born.
OP: It's clear you've thought this through and have a full understanding of the situation. I do still think it's very likely that you'll have to be the one to make the first move. Your boss has a lot more invested on his side, and harassment is likely still a very real fear.
I think your best best is to try and find a way to spend some time with him out of work in a casual way. There's a couple different things I have done in the past you could try:
One, you could throw a party/weekend afternoon BBQ. This idea is especially good if there's a big following for a college/NFL football team where you can have a BBQ for a bunch of people to get together to watch the game. This allows you to get your boss in an atmosphere where you can get to know him better, but there's not the pressure and implications that could come in a one-on-one scenario. Of course, if you work in the kind of place where this kind of get together would be very out of the ordinary, this might not work. Further, even if your coworkers might be willing to show up, your boss might be reticent to hang out with his subordinates outside of work.
Two, tell your boss that a friend/family member gave you a couple of tickets to a sporting event, concert, etc. Tell him that no one from your circle of friends is available to go with you, and, since you'd hate to see the tickets go to waste, ask him if he'd like to go with you. This idea is better than the first idea. It's still casual, but it provides more of the one-on-one time you're undoubtedly looking for. However, it also has the implication of being a bit more serious, so he'll probably shoot you down if he's in a long-term relationship. But, you're looking to obtain that information anyway, so... It's still a casual enough request that you won't have to feel too embarrassed if he shoots you down or word got out to your coworkers.
Good luck, OP. We can't always control who we become attracted to, and, contrary to the beliefs of some here, it's not always possible to just turn those feelings off. I've done some stupid things in my life, but I don't regret any of them. The only things I regret are the things I haven't done, the moments and opportunities I let slip by. In most cases my advice is always going to be: Love is worth the gamble. Hope you find it.
I worded my post intentionally. I could give her very specific ways to get this guy to fall for her. Fortunately I have matured through my own negative experiences to understand why this is a bad bad idea. Not enough people have the balls to hold others accountable these days.
"Love can be worth the gamble "?? Lolol If she "loved " him, she wouldn't be trying to lure him into behavior that could jeopardize his job.
Your advice here is pitiful. Just because someone CAN do something doesn't mean they SHOULD .
I worded my post intentionally. I could give her very specific ways to get this guy to fall for her. Fortunately I have matured through my own negative experiences to understand why this is a bad bad idea. Not enough people have the balls to hold others accountable these days.
"Love can be worth the gamble "?? Lolol If she "loved" him, she wouldn't be trying to lure him into behavior that could jeopardize his job.
Your advice here is pitiful. Just because someone CAN do something doesn't mean they SHOULD .
And if the OP lured her boss into behavior that could jeopardize his job, she is only thinking about herself, her wants and her needs.
Forget about how her boss thinks about this.
Forget about his wants.
Forget about his needs.
If she was really concerned about the entire situation, she would not be thinking about how to lure her boss into an awkward situation.
I worded my post intentionally. I could give her very specific ways to get this guy to fall for her. Fortunately I have matured through my own negative experiences to understand why this is a bad bad idea. Not enough people have the balls to hold others accountable these days.
"Love can be worth the gamble "?? Lolol If she "loved " him, she wouldn't be trying to lure him into behavior that could jeopardize his job.
Your advice here is pitiful. Just because someone CAN do something doesn't mean they SHOULD .
Lure him into behavior that could jeopardize his job? She's already stated that the company doesn't have an express policy on dating of coworkers/subordinates. I've worked at those companies that say they "frown upon" dating. Yeah, that's gonna hold up in court.
Pitiful? Thanks for again showing the smarmy. I know, I know: you're so mature and have all the answers. I really don't want to be rude, but your reply has to be one of the most judgmental things I have ever heard, especially since the OP didn't ask for anyone to give her permission to do this. She asked a specific question which I attempted to answer.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Wmsn4Life
I worded my post intentionally. I could give her very specific ways to get this guy to fall for her. Fortunately I have matured through my own negative experiences to understand why this is a bad bad idea. Not enough people have the balls to hold others accountable these days.
"Love can be worth the gamble "?? Lolol If she "loved " him, she wouldn't be trying to lure him into behavior that could jeopardize his job.
Your advice here is pitiful. Just because someone CAN do something doesn't mean they SHOULD .
This is especially true in the case of potential office romances, whether there be a power differential, or not.
Before the OP does any of this, she should 1) find out if he is in a relationship and 2) if there is a company policy regarding superiors not dating subordinates.
Just because the OP does not mind dating her boss does not mean that he minds dating her.
I would think that her boss would not want to get in trouble with Senior management.
She covered that (the company does not have a policy directly prohibiting dating), and I gave her ways to find out about significant other. If she invites him to a party, he'll either bring a S/O, or she can ask where his S/O is when he shows up without one. If he says he doesn't have one, boom. If she invites him to the event with the extra ticket, he'll undoubtedly decline due to his S/O.
Lure him into behavior that could jeopardize his job? She's already stated that the company doesn't have an express policy on dating of coworkers/subordinates. I've worked at those companies that say they "frown upon" dating. Yeah, that's gonna hold up in court.
Pitiful? Thanks for again showing the smarmy. I know, I know: you're so mature and have all the answers. I really don't want to be rude, but your reply has to be one of the most judgmental things I have ever heard, especially since the OP didn't ask for anyone to give her permission to do this. She asked a specific question which I attempted to answer.
You haven't been here very long. I'm actually being pretty nice to you right now
It sounds really cool and glib to say, "I'd rather regret the things I haven't done." I've said that myself, when I was a young dumb woman.
But I DO regret a lot of things I've done. I regret the pain I have caused people by pursuing emotions that I actually COULD do something about. We aren't animals who have to follow instinct and can't learn from previous encounters.
If someone came to the Parenting subforum and asked how they could rig their car so their 6-year-old could drive it because they can tell he's gonna be a pretty good driver and he really really wants to, I'm not just gonna answer the question. You can bet I'm gonna tell them why the whole idea is stupid in the first place.
As for company policy, there's legal reasons and ethical reasons to do things. OP needs to back off and try to do the right thing because she can, not because she has to.
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