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OP - you know what you want and what will work for you. This isn't your first rodeo. None of us know you so no judgements should be made as that is more a reflection on us that you.
I too wanted to get married and would tell men that on the first date. Never scared any of them away. Was over 40 and stuck
to around that age range. I told them I will not string you along and expect that from you also. Had three I knew after first date - no. 2 more about 2 months in, 1 about 8 months. I was not dating just one, except the 8 month one.
Met hubs about 16 months into my foucs on getting married.
I just knew when I met him, he was the one. Weird. 17 years happily married, 19 years together.
It sounds like there is nothing wrong with the men, and something wrong with you. They aren't weird, and are coming right out with what they want.
You might be weird in not seeming to know what you want, or not really wanting anything but a good time while it lasts.
There is nothing wrong with not knowing what you want, or not being ready to commit, but it doesn't mean that there is something wrong with the people that date you. There is something wrong when you can't understand why they want to commit to you. Are you not worthy or something?
I like your honesty. You know you aren't ready. Great! What I don't like is your seeming need to place 'blame' for that on someone else. What is that about?
OP - you know what you want and what will work for you. This isn't your first rodeo. None of us know you so no judgements should be made as that is more a reflection on us that you.
I too wanted to get married and would tell men that on the first date. Never scared any of them away. Was over 40 and stuck
to around that age range. I told them I will not string you along and expect that from you also. Had three I knew after first date - no. 2 more about 2 months in, 1 about 8 months. I was not dating just one, except the 8 month one.
Met hubs about 16 months into my foucs on getting married.
I just knew when I met him, he was the one. Weird. 17 years happily married, 19 years together.
Glad to hear you found him!
For me, I don't date all men for a longer time either. There are many guys who have nixed me after one date, or who I have nixed after one or two. Those are easy. It's the ones with potential that are harder for me to figure out and if I want to invest more seriously in that I like to take the 12-15 dates. There have been four men who have made it to that point in the past two years. The other guys have been nixed or nixed me before date 6 at the latest.
Last edited by Inacitysomewhere; 12-17-2017 at 11:48 AM..
It sounds like there is nothing wrong with the men, and something wrong with you. They aren't weird, and are coming right out with what they want.
You might be weird in not seeming to know what you want, or not really wanting anything but a good time while it lasts.
There is nothing wrong with not knowing what you want, or not being ready to commit, but it doesn't mean that there is something wrong with the people that date you. There is something wrong when you can't understand why they want to commit to you. Are you not worthy or something?
I like your honesty. You know you aren't ready. Great! What I don't like is your seeming need to place 'blame' for that on someone else. What is that about?
I'm not 'not ready' for a serious relationship. I tell them I am slow, that I like to take time and that I am not looking for exclusivity or commitment early on because I want something with serious potential before committing to it. I do have a harder time opening up than some women early on. I try to be open about this as well so that they know it is not disinterest.
Where I am tripping up is trusting my own judgement. I am having a hard time discerning sometimes what is 'normal' behavior or eccentric but not a problem and what is behavior that is legit red flag which is why I ask about behavior I have seen on here. I do think I am worthy. I am a good catch. I've been told I'm pretty, I'm smart, financially responsible, and have my crap together. I am afraid of getting into another controlling relationship though and I think this fear is making it hard for me when things get near the next level though and I think I will talk to my counselor about it.
You are trying to prevent another controlling relationship by being overly controlling.
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You are trying to prevent another controlling relationship by being overly controlling.
I'm not sure how I am being controlling. I let them know uprfont I want to wait awhile, that I am actively dating, and it is their choice if they want to keep dating me. I have NEVER ultimatum ed a dude, asked him for exclusivity, or any of that. When they have asked before I feel ready I tell them that. Some dudes have bailed but any of the ones worth dating haven't.
I'm thinking it might be a fear though, that I am having, of making the wrong choice, or of making a bad choice. That is an issue I need to get over. I'm not sure how to do that other than talk to my counselor about it.
I'm not sure how I am being controlling. I let them know uprfont I want to wait awhile, that I am actively dating, and it is their choice if they want to keep dating me. I have NEVER ultimatum ed a dude, asked him for exclusivity, or any of that. When they have asked before I feel ready I tell them that. Some dudes have bailed but any of the ones worth dating haven't.
I'm thinking it might be a fear though, that I am having, of making the wrong choice, or of making a bad choice. That is an issue I need to get over. I'm not sure how to do that other than talk to my counselor about it.
Yes it is fear, and yes, you are trying to control the outcome as if you are the only factor in the equation. You are basically saying, "This is how I am. Deal with it..." and then recoiling at the many ways the guys are dealing with it.
You are setting a rigid standard and expecting them to conform to it, without considering that your standard may be flawed. That's controlling.
And yes, you should definitely talk to your counselor about it.
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