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it's a problem because italian descent = italian sounding last name and like i mentioned before that isn't part of our mutual cultural identity as a married couple and in general just isn't something i want to associate myself with. I'm American and that's all there is to it.
But isn't your wife half of the married couple? For 23 years???
no one "finds themselves'" at 53 and even if it were true, everything is done via a partnership/commitment/covenant between the couple. Meaning if she feels lost, this one unit will work on whatever these issues are
Sounds like if she is really confused, she should be staying home for a while until this gets sorted out. I wouldn't feel comfortable having a spouse who is that screwed up going out without me. To work or anywhere. This isn't normal, something is very wrong here.
Probably should follow her to ensure she isn't ingesting any drugs to boot (alcohol, pot)
The things you've written indicate that you have a pretty childlike approach to conflict.
You have to talk this over with your wife, but to do that, you need to brush up on some basics about debating and fighting fair. Remember that you are fighting for your relationship, not to win.
It doesn't sound like you have much emotional intimacy AT ALL. If you did, you would not be this bewildered.
And after reading more of what you wrote, I do think she's taking steps to separate herself from you eventually.
It's not that I'm approaching this immaturely, i really have tried thoroughly discussing this with her multiple times and every single time the exact same thing happens:
I approach her and try to calmly start a conversation. Adopts defensive posture. Makes annoyed face. Says there isn't anything to talk about and that she's "explained everything already". Says she has to go. Leaves room.
It's like clockwork.
it's a problem because italian descent = italian sounding last name and like i mentioned before that isn't part of our mutual cultural identity as a married couple and in general just isn't something i want to associate myself with. I'm American and that's all there is to it.
For heaven's sake ... I grew up in Tennessee, and I think this fear of yours is completely ridiculous. Where do you live that this will be problem????
What exactly do you fear will happen if anyone associates her with being Italian????
hey folks, a friend of mine dave recommended this website and said he's gotten some pretty solid advice from here so i'll try it out and hopefully figure out what i'll do:
so for some reason my wife has suddenly decided she wants to officially go back to her maiden name and frankly, I am confused (??) I asked her if this means she wants some time apart and she said something like "no, i just don't want you to take credit for my life anymore" which only confused me further. i tried talking about it some more but she just got angry and stormed off. i'm not sure what exactly is happening and why she's acting this way but i think going back to her maiden name is a pretty damned awful idea.
first of all, people like friends and work associates or just acquaintances in general will be mighty confused as for the 23 years we've been married, she's always gone by my name and only my name.
second of all, a little voice inside my head is telling me that this is the first step towards an eventual divorce and the thought of that worries me because i'm for the most part happy, and the idea of her not being happy with me agonizes me to no end, especially because this whole name change need popped up out of nowhere. also, as long as we're married she really shouldn't be going by anyone's name but mine, that's how our society works and we can't just manipulate our country's traditions whenever we see fit.next thing you know she'll want me to take HER name. i'm not a controlling guy and my wife and i have always been completely equal, but we gotta abide by the law and when something is wrong, i'm gonna be upfront about it.
third of all, this may sound rather racist or whatever but my wife's maiden name is italian because her father is from italy and i don't want our friends and people in our social circle thinking we aren't from here 100%. i mean my wife can be italian all she wants but when she's married to me, who she is in an extension of who i am and i am 100% from the United States, so yeah it may raise some eyebrows which i don't want.
bottom line, i think this is ridiculous and i have to figure out a way to tell my wife she can't go back to her old name as her real name is my name, and it has been for 23 years. also. do you guys think this means she wants to get divorced in the near future? thanks for any input.
OP, we have to sort through the concerns you present, to determine what's important here, and what is needless hand-wringing. There are some serious concerns, and those deserve to be addressed.
Your wife has suddenly decided to change her surname back to her maiden name. This strikes fear in your heart, among other things. Suddenly, you're questioning whether what you thought was a happy marriage is suddenly, for mysterious reasons, on the rocks. That is a legit concern.
Also, your wife doesn't seem forthcoming with reasons for it. The "I don't want you taking credit for my lie anymore" comment is cryptic. In addition, she gets angry when you try to discuss the issue, to better understand where she's at. Poor communication is a legit concern.
I think we should stick with those. Those are the crux of the matter. "How society works" is not a justification for your opinion, because how society works has changed. Lots of women keep their maiden name, for a variety of reasons, upon marriage. And "the law" allows that. She's not proposing anything illegal. The underlined in your quote is simply you, catastrophizing, panicking. Put it out of your mind. It's not going to happen.
So, now that we have that little bit cleared up, let's get to advising you on how to approach your wife regarding her wish to change her surname. Either one of two things could be happening, or both: 1. You're approaching her with a note of criticism or suspicion, or thinly-veiled hostility to the idea, which she's picking up on. 2. She's going through a "phase", after linking up with, perhaps a group of women who have been reading the news and reading about feminism (or maybe it's her old friends), so she may be caught up in a new attitude they're displaying about their role in society, and its negative aspects. This would be another explanation as to why she's not opening up to you, and has her guard up. Or 3. Both 1 & 2.
I don't think she's having an affair or is preparing to divorce you. She's perhaps trying to assert her individuality, after hearing some new ideas and opinions about how "society" "should" work. This doesn't need to be threatening to you.
However, the level of dismissal of your concerns she's displaying is a valid concern. IDK, you could deal with it in either of two ways, I think: 1. Do nothing, and let it blow over. If she wants to do a name change, don't let it ruffle your feathers. That would only make things worse. She'll think, "HUMPH! Typical male!" OR
2. Try to open up to her emotionally, making yourself a little vulnerable. This should encourage her to let down her defenses, and respond in kind (no guarantees, though). Let go, for that moment, of any judgment of the name-change idea. Consider starting out by saying you love her, and are very happy with the marriage. Tell her you've always seen the two of you growing older together, and going through the rest of your lives supporting each other. Then simply say that you hope this name-change she wants to do doesn't indicate that you two won't have a future together. Be tender. That's the only way this has any hope of working. Choose the right moment. Do you two ever hug or cuddle? That would be a good time. If you don't hug and cuddle, and you truly do love her and are happy with her, you should show some affection, generally. You might even consider, when talking to her about this, saying (practice this in your mind, practice sounding sincere) "If it's important to you, I'm for it. I want you to be happy." (She may wonder where her husband went, and who this imposter is. )
Her wanting to change her name is not a rejection of you, even though it feels like it to you, right now. It's just her, having an "I gotta be ME!" moment. This doesn't have to be a bad thing, if you don't let it. Though it doesn't feel like it right now, in the grand scheme of things, the big-picture view, this is a hiccup. Don't let it turn into a big, earth-shaking, potentially devastating thing. Don't read more into it, than is there. If you love her, let her go through this personal-development phase she's going through. After it's all done, and she has her name back, she may come around and show you some appreciation for going along with it. She might even confess that she was expecting a fight from you, but was pleasantly surprised when there was no resistance. Who knows; if you handle it well, your marriage may come out of it stronger.
That's my best shot, OP. Good luck. It's up to you, whether the next few months will be full of turmoil, or not.
Last edited by Ruth4Truth; 12-17-2017 at 01:25 PM..
It's not that I'm approaching this immaturely, i really have tried thoroughly discussing this with her multiple times and every single time the exact same thing happens:
I approach her and try to calmly start a conversation. Adopts defensive posture. Makes annoyed face. Says there isn't anything to talk about and that she's "explained everything already". Says she has to go. Leaves room.
It's like clockwork.
Every single example below is an example of you handling this like a child:
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Originally Posted by andy_nyc
I still do not understand this whole "find herself" reasoning TO BE HONEST I really don't know what she'd find that she hasn't found already.
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Originally Posted by andy_nyc
In closing, I haven't been emotionally neglecting her in any way, shape, or form. If anything she's the one always out for drinks and dinner with her friends. Maybe I should request to change my last name
Quote:
Originally Posted by andy_nyc
I'm American and that's all there is to it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by andy_nyc
thank you to all the feminists out there for messing up my wife.
Well i mean they are foreigners of some sort, let's be frank here.
Quote:
Originally Posted by andy_nyc
"individualism" at 53 years old? she already has a great career so i'm not sure what "dreams" she's trying to "find".
It's not that I'm approaching this immaturely, i really have tried thoroughly discussing this with her multiple times and every single time the exact same thing happens:
I approach her and try to calmly start a conversation. Adopts defensive posture. Makes annoyed face. Says there isn't anything to talk about and that she's "explained everything already". Says she has to go. Leaves room.
It's like clockwork.
If she's defensive about something, she has something to hide.
For heaven's sake ... I grew up in Tennessee, and I think this fear of yours is completely ridiculous. Where do you live that this will be problem????
What exactly do you fear will happen if anyone associates her with being Italian????
We live in New York City but I grew up in Enterprise Alabama. Not that it's relevant to my views but since you asked, and it's not necessarily that I fear judgment, I fear the alteration of my cultural identity. I am not Italian, or European, or anything but American, and being married to somebody who isn't through and through American speaks volumes about my cultural identity, as like I said we're extensions of each other. I didn't have an issue with it for 23 years because she always went by my name and there wasn't any cultural identity other than an American one among our mutual social and friendship groups. her family is a different story but i'm talking about the mutual circles we created as a married couple. I have no issue with her being half Italian, obviously or I wouldn't have married her, I have an issue with being perceived as anything but through and through American by extension. Also, I really do think going back to her maiden name devalues our country's fundamental traditions, as well as our marriage.
You should probably either work on it or ask her to move out.
She is living as a single person, and per the posts, even drinking alcohol with other men.
That cannot be tolerated within a marriage
No one "goes out for drinks" without their spouse, asks to change their last name so they can get credit
for their accomplishments (accomplishments are shared). It is likely she is trying to have an affair.
Have a friend or acquaintance she doesn't know go meet her or hire a PI to get to know her and record the coversation. Guaranteed she is up to no good.
And why she feels she needs to do this is up to you to find out. You will need to make changes
Halt intimacy for now to avoid contracting an STD.
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