wife suddenly wants to go back to her maiden name? why? how to convince her not to? (college, divorce)
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If you are not an American Indian, and even THEY came from Asia, you are from a part of Great Britain and/or Europe. You are probably a mixture of English Scotts/Irish/Welsh, if I had to guess, which is "somewhere else" other than America.
We live in New York City but I grew up in Enterprise Alabama. Not that it's relevant to my views but since you asked, and it's not necessarily that I fear judgment, I fear the alteration of my cultural identity. I am not Italian, or European, or anything but American, and being married to somebody who isn't through and through American speaks volumes about my cultural identity, as like I said we're extensions of each other. I didn't have an issue with it for 23 years because she always went by my name and there wasn't any cultural identity other than an American one among our mutual social and friendship groups. her family is a different story but i'm talking about the mutual circles we created as a married couple. I have no issue with her being half Italian, obviously or I wouldn't have married her, I have an issue with being perceived as anything but through and through American by extension. Also, I really do think going back to her maiden name devalues our country's fundamental traditions, as well as our marriage.
It feels like you are really trying to distract yourself from the very real problem in your marriage with all this cultural identity stuff.
Honestly, you are creating a problem that isn't there and ignoring the problems that ARE there.
Any time here that you referred to one of your wife's goals in quotes, you were minimizing it.
Any time here that you tossed out a "maybe I should just ..." alternative to one of her actions, you were behaving like a child.
You've had 23 years and 3 kids with this woman. She is going through something big, and you are blindsided. That ain't good.
PUT ASIDE all this crap about Italians, set your ego down for a minute and really clue in with her. Or this marriage you claim to value will be over, if it isn't already.
1. Do nothing, and let it blow over. If she wants to do a name change, don't let it ruffle your feathers. That would only make things worse. She'll think, "HUMPH! Typical male!" OR
2. Try to open up to her emotionally, making yourself a little vulnerable. This should encourage her to let down her defenses, and respond in kind (no guarantees, though). Let go, for that moment, of any judgment of the name-change idea. Consider starting out by saying you love her, and are very happy with the marriage. Tell her you've always seen the two of you growing older together, and going through the rest of your lives supporting each other. Then simply say that you hope this name-change she wants to do doesn't indicate that you two won't have a future together. Be tender. That's the only way this has any hope of working. Choose the right moment. Do you two ever hug or cuddle? That would be a good time. If you don't hug and cuddle, and you truly do love her and are happy with her, you should show some affection, generally.
That's my best shot, OP. Good luck. It's up to you, whether the next few months will be full of turmoil, or not.
The second idea isn't bad at all, gotta admit i didn't approach her like that at all. I mean I really hope it blows over because I really love her and don't want this to cause strain on our marriage. That's exactly what I'm trying to avoid. But I really am not comfortable with her using her maiden name while being married to me. It's just not right, ya know?
Thing is, i don't know why she's trying to "find herself" at 53 years old, after 23 years of marriage and 3 adult children. I'm mostly worried this is a nod towards a forthcoming court subpoena.
It's the perfect time - she's probably identified herself as strictly mother and wife for all these years - this is the beginning of a new era for her with the kids out of the house. If you want to stay with her you'll have to keep up with her! ...though it sounds like you have rather conservative ideas already at odds with her. Good luck!
How is it not right? You live in NYC. You're currently probably in proximity to hundreds if not thousands of married couples who don't share a last name.
On the one hand, have you considered the possibility that your wife is just as proud of her Italian heritage as you are of your "American" heritage ? Her maiden name (a stupid phrase) was passed to her from her father and the generations before him. This is, actually, who she is. The convention of taking the husband's name dates back to when wives were sort of seen as the husband's "property". Such is no longer the case. These days it is quite common for husbands and wives to have different last names, I see it all the time. My suggestion for you would be to accept that this is her desire and just let her do it....and see what happens next.
Personally, it sounds to me like she's getting ready to fly the coop. Sorry.
How is it not right? You live in NYC. You're currently probably in proximity to hundreds if not thousands of married couples who don't share a last name.
Yep, and if things are perfectly fine the way they are, OP, why is your wife dead-set on doing something that she should very well know you are very much against???
It feels like you are really trying to distract yourself from the very real problem in your marriage with all this cultural identity stuff.
Honestly, you are creating a problem that isn't there and ignoring the problems that ARE there.
Any time here that you referred to one of your wife's goals in quotes, you were minimizing it.
Any time here that you tossed out a "maybe I should just ..." alternative to one of her actions, you were behaving like a child.
You've had 23 years and 3 kids with this woman. She is going through something big, and you are blindsided. That ain't good.
PUT ASIDE all this crap about Italians, set your ego down for a minute and really clue in with her. Or this marriage you claim to value will be over, if it isn't already.
Cultural identity is part of the greater problem that'll project itself onto our lives if she changes her name back to her family name. I really wish I knew more about this supposed turmoil she's going through but like I said, it is very difficult to get her to open up to me, if not impossible. It wasn't always like that but lately communication has been gradually deteriorating on her part, which is what makes this whole situation even more agonizing for me. I don't want a divorce, but what am I supposed to do if she files? I mean, she won't talk to me and she says she doesn't want to but then again all sings point towards it so I'm, to put it simply, really stuck.
hey folks, a friend of mine dave recommended this website and said he's gotten some pretty solid advice from here so i'll try it out and hopefully figure out what i'll do:
so for some reason my wife has suddenly decided she wants to officially go back to her maiden name and frankly, I am confused (??) I asked her if this means she wants some time apart and she said something like "no, i just don't want you to take credit for my life anymore" which only confused me further. i tried talking about it some more but she just got angry and stormed off. i'm not sure what exactly is happening and why she's acting this way but i think going back to her maiden name is a pretty damned awful idea.
first of all, people like friends and work associates or just acquaintances in general will be mighty confused as for the 23 years we've been married, she's always gone by my name and only my name.
second of all, a little voice inside my head is telling me that this is the first step towards an eventual divorce and the thought of that worries me because i'm for the most part happy, and the idea of her not being happy with me agonizes me to no end, especially because this whole name change need popped up out of nowhere. also, as long as we're married she really shouldn't be going by anyone's name but mine, that's how our society works and we can't just manipulate our country's traditions whenever we see fit. next thing you know she'll want me to take HER name. i'm not a controlling guy and my wife and i have always been completely equal, but we gotta abide by the law and when something is wrong, i'm gonna be upfront about it.
third of all, this may sound rather racist or whatever but my wife's maiden name is italian because her father is from italy and i don't want our friends and people in our social circle thinking we aren't from here 100%. i mean my wife can be italian all she wants but when she's married to me, who she is in an extension of who i am and i am 100% from the United States, so yeah it may raise some eyebrows which i don't want.
bottom line, i think this is ridiculous and i have to figure out a way to tell my wife she can't go back to her old name as her real name is my name, and it has been for 23 years. also. do you guys think this means she wants to get divorced in the near future? thanks for any input.
"I just don't want you to take credit for my life anymore"... I think there is more going on with your wife than she's revealed.
But using the husband's surname IS an option in our country, and many women opt out of it. While I agree that it's simpler for a household to use the same last name, many thrive without it. I don't find any of this upsetting at all. It is definitely a change, and she would find that it's more work to change it than she would expect. But.....
But.....
What I find disturbing is your attitude towards her maiden name. You DO sound ashamed that she is Italian. And you are just as much an extension of her as she is of you. Your marriage is not about you, but about the both of you. And before you could convince her to change her mind, you need to learn more to what's going on with her.
... it is very difficult to get her to open up to me, if not impossible. It wasn't always like that but lately communication has been gradually deteriorating on her part
...she won't talk to me and she says she doesn't want to ...
How did it get to this point????
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