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I am specifically talking about the pace of things getting physical... one person has a very long timeline (6 months, 1 year, marriage?, deathbed???) before they want to get physical. The other wants to get physical faster to establish chemistry in that area, perhaps 4-5 dates within 1-2 months? I think neither is wrong but is that a valid reason to break up?
Been dating this girl for last 6 months, but she lives 3 hrs from me and comes down every other week so been on only 6-7 dates over this time. We did make out very briefly on the 3rd date but it wasn't very intense or anything. The dates after that were duds physically since she was not really into it and sending any good signals so I did not bother to take the lead. So, 2 months ago I called it off citing the distance and she literally stalked me into getting back together with her arguing that I did not give it a chance. She stated that she has intense feelings for me and is very hurt that we did not get a chance to progress things. So, I relented and now we met up for another date. I tried to kiss her but she cheeked me which again made me lose interest. I really like a relationship to be much more passionate at this stage after months of knowing each other. I feel if there is attraction then making out and some physical activity is very normal.
It seems that she still wants the relationship but on her own physical terms. I respect her physical boundaries but at the same time if that does not work for me she can't accuse me of not going at her speed. Do I have a valid argument here? I am losing interest and very very quickly. So the choice now is to wait a little longer for physical aspect to develop of break off due to lack of physical chemistry.
I am specifically talking about the pace of things getting physical... one person has a very long timeline (6 months, 1 year, marriage?, deathbed???) before they want to get physical. The other wants to get physical faster to establish chemistry in that area, perhaps 4-5 dates within 1-2 months? I think neither is wrong but is that a valid reason to break up?
Honey... I don't think it's her timeline that's the problem. She makes excuses not to touch you and you say she's "not into it." This isn't likely to get better over time, because it's not about waiting in general, it's about a lack of physical attraction. I am very sorry.
As far as one partner wanting to wait, the other not wanting that, even though there was an attraction/a hope for a future together...I personally haven't really encountered that. For whatever reason I have almost always been on more or less the same timeline as the person I'm dating (or, was dating...I am now married). Not that there have been dozens of such scenarios or anything, LOL, but...you get the idea.
I can think of one time when the guy wanted to "play board games" (giggle!) at his house after our first date...I mean he wanted me to come home with him, the date was still going on. And I wasn't feeling it...I'd only known him in person for two hours and we had only been speaking for about a week. I'd have been glad to have another date and feel things out from there, I felt attracted to him, I just wasn't ready to drop my jeans then and there after two hours, LOL...and he was so insulted that he made up some stupid excuse to storm off in a huff. It was weird but...that's maybe the only example I can think of where clearly we were not on the same page that way. Overall it was just never really a problem.
As a grownup, though, I doubt I'd wait 6 months no matter what, especially if we did have dates during that time. I don't know. I can't picture that. With my first-ever boyfriend, yeah, we waited a year but we were very young, both virgins and we were in the process of falling in love...that's a different scenario.
yes, but if she isn't physically interested then why the heck is she hounding me to date her? wtf? is she perhaps asexual and wants a minimally sexual relationship? or she is just a type that thinks it's proper only to be physical after marriage? perhaps I should ask her directly.. the thing is that in my view asking kills the romance and attraction, these things should happen naturally and spontaneously. That is how it's happened in the past.
yes, but if she isn't physically interested then why the heck is she hounding me to date her? wtf? is she perhaps asexual and wants a minimally sexual relationship? or she is just a type that thinks it's proper only to be physical after marriage? perhaps I should ask her directly.. the thing is that in my view asking kills the romance and attraction, these things should happen naturally and spontaneously. That is how it's happened in the past.
Well, because she's getting SOMETHING out of it. What? Who knows. But whatever it is, it isn't good enough for you, it isn't making you happy, and it isn't going to result in sex. So...? Why bother?
Yeah, you can ask directly. But either expect to get hurt ("Well, I'm around you because you fill a loneliness void, but I don't find you sexy at all and won't be sleeping with you") or lied to ("I want to spare your feelings...so let's just say I'm in a weird place right now...plus I have so much work...the stress...oh yeah...and trust issues and...blah...so...that's good enough for you, right?")
It ISN'T good enough for you. This doesn't sound like a love story in the making. It's only making you sad and frustrated. I'd keep my eyes open for a new love, personally. I mean putting sex aside, she can't even kiss you on the lips. What does that tell you?
The thing is, she may not be trying to "use" you or whatever, I'm not saying you're being had or that she's a bad person; it could even be that she thinks she SHOULD want to be with you because you're a nice person, etc . yet her body is telling her what her mind doesn't want to know: that a person can be a great person, great to be with...but not someone that we want a romantic/sexual relationship. It just is what it is.
As for her words: anyone can say anything. It's actions that tell the real story, generally. She said she wanted to progress, then she literally turned her mouth away from you so she wouldn't have to let your mouth touch hers. Honey. Don't you deserve more? Don't you want more? Not every relationship is meant to be...even if the "right boxes" all check off for someone who "should" be right for you. Keep looking around.
yes, but if she isn't physically interested then why the heck is she hounding me to date her? wtf? is she perhaps asexual and wants a minimally sexual relationship? or she is just a type that thinks it's proper only to be physical after marriage? perhaps I should ask her directly.. the thing is that in my view asking kills the romance and attraction, these things should happen naturally and spontaneously. That is how it's happened in the past.
Maybe she's just really controlling. Sounds like she's got control now.
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
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Quote:
Originally Posted by k374
I am specifically talking about the pace of things getting physical... one person has a very long timeline (6 months, 1 year, marriage?, deathbed???) before they want to get physical. The other wants to get physical faster to establish chemistry in that area, perhaps 4-5 dates within 1-2 months? I think neither is wrong but is that a valid reason to break up?
Been dating this girl for last 6 months, but she lives 3 hrs from me and comes down every other week so been on only 6-7 dates over this time. We did make out very briefly on the 3rd date but it wasn't very intense or anything. The dates after that were duds physically since she was not really into it and sending any good signals so I did not bother to take the lead. So, 2 months ago I called it off citing the distance and she literally stalked me into getting back together with her arguing that I did not give it a chance. She stated that she has intense feelings for me and is very hurt that we did not get a chance to progress things. So, I relented and now we met up for another date. I tried to kiss her but she cheeked me which again made me lose interest. I really like a relationship to be much more passionate at this stage after months of knowing each other. I feel if there is attraction then making out and some physical activity is very normal.
It seems that she still wants the relationship but on her own physical terms. I respect her physical boundaries but at the same time if that does not work for me she can't accuse me of not going at her speed. Do I have a valid argument here? I am losing interest and very very quickly. So the choice now is to wait a little longer for physical aspect to develop of break off due to lack of physical chemistry.
If she is not willing to put out in 1-2 months and you are ready, you are just not compatible. She sounds like she has serious hangups about sex. I'd break it off in your shoes.
If she is not willing to put out in 1-2 months and you are ready, you are just not compatible. She sounds like she has serious hangups about sex. I'd break it off in your shoes.
excellent, that is what I thought as well... I should've never agreed to get back together but she made such a melodrama about how much she wanted me etc. etc. and then WTF? if you want me so much then what is it with the physical aloofness, looks like this girl is just playing games and/or she is mentally off
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I don't think it's her timeline that's the problem. She makes excuses not to touch you and you say she's "not into it." This isn't likely to get better over time, because it's not about waiting in general, it's about a lack of physical attraction. I am very sorry.
