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So I had deleted all of my online dating accounts but I’m back on again lol. I had deleted them before because I was tired of guys only wanting to hook up and I was looking for a true relationship... maybe not even that. Last time I think I posted that I was looking for dates that may lead to something more, but all I could find were these guys who wanted to get physical way too fast and I wasn’t interested in that or ready for it.
Well anyway I got back on, not really to date or look for anybody again but just to look because I was bored. Then, yeah you guessed it, I started talking to this guy. I think he’s cute and funny, and I’m liking talking to him. We haven’t met in person yet... right now it’s just talking. He wants to take me out to dinner and talks about us actually doing things. Immediately I liked that because in the past, guys online have only ever been interested in just meeting up and going back to their place no actual dates.
The catch to this is that this guy has told me that he is NOT looking for a gf or a relationship. He says he’s not the type to settle down and that he’s in this to have fun. He has told me he is looking to date, have fun, and yes that he wants it to lead to sex. He was pretty honest about this an I appreciated his honesty. Normally from before this would gross me out... normally I don’t like the whole hook up thing and I have never done it. But I’m lonely and miss being with someone. And I would like to try something new.
Its tough because I want to try it, but another part of me feels guilty for wanting that. I’m a religious person and morals mean something to me. I struggle with feeling guilt if I don’t try to live by my morals. But at the same time, this is something I want to try like some casual fun. My only worry is that I’ll end up catching feelings for him and then will get all heartbroken if it all ends for whatever reason. But something is telling me just to try it out., I could have fun and make a new friend.
Idk, do you think I should? How is casual dating for you?
Also I googled places hes talked about taking me too and they look like REALLY nice places. He knows a lot about wine and stuff like that. I really wanna go lol
If you want to try it out, try it out. But, he already told you what's up. He just wants to have fun and hookup and isn't interested in dating someone exclusive. So if you're okay with that, then cool.
Just don't come back on here talking about how you caught feelings and want to be exclusive, etc. You can't change someone, so don't go into this thinking that you can.
If you want to do it, go for it. As long as you're okay with the consequences.
OK, I am comfortable with more casual things and I'm not religious, so I don't attach a lot of morals to sexuality. However. I do not believe that you can "legislate feelings." So if this man expects no loving feelings allowed, he is being unrealistic. If he expects no planning to live together, reproduce, or get married allowed, then he has the right to ask that.
As someone with experience with all kinds of connections, I've learned something. I cannot control my feelings. If I have sex with a man, there is a chance (not a certainty, but a chance) that I'll feel loving things towards him. It is chemical, it's not "true love" of the kind that should lead to major life changes. But I ~CAN NOT~ be involved with someone who tells me what I am, or am not, allowed to feel. I got to the point where, after learning that about myself, I started explaining it to men right away. "Look, if we wind up having sex, I might feel love for you, and I might want to express that. It does not mean anything scary, it doesn't mean I want to marry you, live with you, pick out china, make babies, or anything. Nothing has to change about what we are doing, just because I feel something. And I don't need you to feel it in return. What I do need, is for you to be able to hear it and not freak out. If this is going to be a problem for you, then we should probably not have sex or date. I won't be told I'm not allowed to feel or express love for you or anyone, ever. That's just not how I roll."
Some guys find this alarming, and can't hang. OK cool, we're not compatible. Some guys were good with it, and even appreciated the freedom to explore emotions without it necessitating big life changes.
So what I am saying is, you need to figure out what your NEEDS in a relationship are. List those things that, without them, you will feel dissatisfied and unhappy. If that is a man who lets you be emotionally expressive, or if that's a man who will wait until marriage for sex, it doesn't matter, it's YOUR needs. Not wants, needs. And then stand by them. If you compromise them just because you are bored and there's nothing better on offer, then at least be honest with yourself about that, and understand that it will probably end with you feeling bad because you really enjoyed someone but they refused to consider your needs. That bad feeling is part of making that choice to compromise yourself. Maybe it's worth it, and maybe not. Your life, your choice.
you know up front that all he wants is casual fun. He has told you he is not looking for a GF or a relationship. You will NOT change him on that but it is almost like you are ready to reward the guy with the cookie just because he was honest upfront with you about that is all he wants.
Are you TRULY comfortable with just hooking up with this man?
Is the loneliness really so unbearable that you want to compromise what you believe in?
Be honest, are you expecting that he may change his mind when you two hook up?
From there, decide what you need to do.
I personally don't believe there is anything wrong with casual sex if that's what someone truly wants, there is consent on both sides, and there is protection. However, if you have any reservations or you are not sure you can separate sex from emotions, it's not wise to get involved in a situation like this.
OP, read this very carefully and decide if you can handle feelings of attachment knowing there is a possibility nothing will come out of this arrangement.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sonic_Spork
OK, I am comfortable with more casual things and I'm not religious, so I don't attach a lot of morals to sexuality. However. I do not believe that you can "legislate feelings." So if this man expects no loving feelings allowed, he is being unrealistic. If he expects no planning to live together, reproduce, or get married allowed, then he has the right to ask that.
As someone with experience with all kinds of connections, I've learned something. I cannot control my feelings. If I have sex with a man, there is a chance (not a certainty, but a chance) that I'll feel loving things towards him. It is chemical, it's not "true love" of the kind that should lead to major life changes. But I ~CAN NOT~ be involved with someone who tells me what I am, or am not, allowed to feel. I got to the point where, after learning that about myself, I started explaining it to men right away. "Look, if we wind up having sex, I might feel love for you, and I might want to express that. It does not mean anything scary, it doesn't mean I want to marry you, live with you, pick out china, make babies, or anything. Nothing has to change about what we are doing, just because I feel something. And I don't need you to feel it in return. What I do need, is for you to be able to hear it and not freak out. If this is going to be a problem for you, then we should probably not have sex or date. I won't be told I'm not allowed to feel or express love for you or anyone, ever. That's just not how I roll."
Some guys find this alarming, and can't hang. OK cool, we're not compatible. Some guys were good with it, and even appreciated the freedom to explore emotions without it necessitating big life changes.
So what I am saying is, you need to figure out what your NEEDS in a relationship are. List those things that, without them, you will feel dissatisfied and unhappy. If that is a man who lets you be emotionally expressive, or if that's a man who will wait until marriage for sex, it doesn't matter, it's YOUR needs. Not wants, needs. And then stand by them. If you compromise them just because you are bored and there's nothing better on offer, then at least be honest with yourself about that, and understand that it will probably end with you feeling bad because you really enjoyed someone but they refused to consider your needs. That bad feeling is part of making that choice to compromise yourself. Maybe it's worth it, and maybe not. Your life, your choice.
Are you TRULY comfortable with just hooking up with this man?
Is the loneliness really so unbearable that you want to compromise what you believe in?
Be honest, are you expecting that he may change his mind when you two hook up?
From there, decide what you need to do.
I personally don't believe there is anything wrong with casual sex if that's what someone truly wants, involves both consenting people, and there is protection. However, if you have any reservations or you are not sure you can separate sex from emotions, it's not wise to get involved in a situation like this.
No I’m being honest with myself to... this guy is cute but I can tell by his profile that we are different people and probably wouldn’t work together in a relationship anyway. We don’t even really have anything in common lol. But I think he’s cute and I like his personality and I’m just wondering about him I guess. I just know what I’ve been doing in the past hasn’t been working so I thought I might not take everything so seriously and have fun
OK, I am comfortable with more casual things and I'm not religious, so I don't attach a lot of morals to sexuality. However. I do not believe that you can "legislate feelings." So if this man expects no loving feelings allowed, he is being unrealistic. If he expects no planning to live together, reproduce, or get married allowed, then he has the right to ask that.
As someone with experience with all kinds of connections, I've learned something. I cannot control my feelings. If I have sex with a man, there is a chance (not a certainty, but a chance) that I'll feel loving things towards him. It is chemical, it's not "true love" of the kind that should lead to major life changes. But I ~CAN NOT~ be involved with someone who tells me what I am, or am not, allowed to feel. I got to the point where, after learning that about myself, I started explaining it to men right away. "Look, if we wind up having sex, I might feel love for you, and I might want to express that. It does not mean anything scary, it doesn't mean I want to marry you, live with you, pick out china, make babies, or anything. Nothing has to change about what we are doing, just because I feel something. And I don't need you to feel it in return. What I do need, is for you to be able to hear it and not freak out. If this is going to be a problem for you, then we should probably not have sex or date. I won't be told I'm not allowed to feel or express love for you or anyone, ever. That's just not how I roll."
Some guys find this alarming, and can't hang. OK cool, we're not compatible. Some guys were good with it, and even appreciated the freedom to explore emotions without it necessitating big life changes.
So what I am saying is, you need to figure out what your NEEDS in a relationship are. List those things that, without them, you will feel dissatisfied and unhappy. If that is a man who lets you be emotionally expressive, or if that's a man who will wait until marriage for sex, it doesn't matter, it's YOUR needs. Not wants, needs. And then stand by them. If you compromise them just because you are bored and there's nothing better on offer, then at least be honest with yourself about that, and understand that it will probably end with you feeling bad because you really enjoyed someone but they refused to consider your needs. That bad feeling is part of making that choice to compromise yourself. Maybe it's worth it, and maybe not. Your life, your choice.
Yeah I’m the same way not sure how I would feel if we did do anything. This would be my first time doing the whole casual thing and I don’t know how I will feel. I’m just ready to try something different I think.
I don’t feel like he’s been telling me don’t love him lol but right away he was like, “ I’m just looking to have fun, nothing serious. I date a lot and Im not wanting to get exclusive” etc. he was basically just telling me that he does NOT want a relationship or to be tied down. It would be no strings attached
If you are asking for permission to hook up, well it's just up to you. Some people are fine with it and for others, it's not for them.
Personally I think it is too easy for guys these days.
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