Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
We can empathize all the livelong day, but what should we do about it? If a guy is struggling or undesirable, that's a bummer for him, but a woman's sex life is not a charity for the downtrodden.
I guess that the onus is on us because we're supposed to hold all the cards and are the Masters of the Universe when it comes to dating. Maybe we should have a handicap like they do in golf. That might level the playing field some. Like for every 4 NO's we have to say 1 Yes. Or give the real strugglers a Mulligan.
Last edited by Sydney123; 02-01-2018 at 04:13 PM..
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,936 posts, read 37,007,908 times
Reputation: 40635
Quote:
Originally Posted by hawaiiancoconut
LOL, If you think women will show any type of empathy for guys that struggle in dating.
I dunno. I have received more empathy than I probably deserve from female friends for my struggles over the years. While it was appreciated, the ass kicking they give me in general has been more productive. People feel sorry for those that struggle, as long as they don't wallow in those struggles overly much.
JerZ and fleetiebelle were responding to HC, but I quoted them out of order.
A few men on this forum put an inordinate demand on all of us for emotional support. A handful of regulars and the once or twice per week drive by who sticks around and maybe participates in their thread, but disappears. For men and women who try to offer empathy and encouragement, it can get draining.
There's also the way topics are worded and how the authors participate. When a guy simply expresses his frustration in language like, "I'm 28 and my dating life sucks and I feel like I've done all I can......." most of us are pretty supportive. Who hasn't felt that way, whether we express it or not. Especially if the guy seems to consider suggestions or accept support, they're good.
Then the people who word things more like "I'm just to ugly to get any attention from women who all want tall good looking guys with money." That thins the herd of supportive people. What can you say to that person, especially if this is a frequent lament? I try something along the lines of focusing on positives (he has none) or working on things you can change (doesn't help-see tall-good looking-money) but they almost always push back. It's wearing.
I even test the waters with the guys who lead with "Women can have any man they want any time they want". But often those guys get met with a suspicion at best or hostility from some long term women posters who have heard this before, and sometimes from these very men under different usernames.
It seems to me that empathy from women toward struggling men is pretty proportionate to these men's apparent seriousness, their willingness to take responsibility for things they are responsible for, and their openness to change.
In the OP’s case specifically, people (both men and women) have gone out of their way to give him helpful advice. We’ve given him advice on how to warm up the interior of his house to make it more inviting. We’ve given him advice on sprucing up the exterior of his home without spending too much money. We’ve explained to him that expecting women to want to go on outdoor forays in questionable neighborhoods at night might not be at the top of their list, but they might be interested in evening activities in safer areas.
The OP goes out of his way to accuse women of being materialistic, when they probably are not materialistic. They just don’t meet his criteria.
But imo women who voice their insecurities and struggles on here are treated much better then Men..
I'm not talking about the few creeps in here who have an insane outlook on life and clearly hate women they deserve the beating they get..
I just think in general both men and women are less tolerant of men's fears and insecurities..it seems as if people expect men to never waver in confidence or have fears anxieties and insecurities like human beings sometimes too..
I sometimes feel I and others get scolded when bringing up fears and insecurities about attracting women..it's weird
But imo women who voice their insecurities and struggles on here are treated much better then Men..
I'm not talking about the few creeps in here who have an insane outlook on life and clearly hate women they deserve the beating they get..
I just think in general both men and women are less tolerant of men's fears and insecurities..it seems as if people expect men to never waver in confidence or have fears anxieties and insecurities like human beings sometimes too..
I sometimes feel I and others get scolded when bringing up fears and insecurities about attracting women..it's weird
I never paid attention to that here, so I can't speak on it. I just keep track of how I react. My posts and tone have remained consistent for the most part. However, Homina explains well why it's difficult to empathize with other posters. Some of them are inconsolable and bent on self destruction.
Yes society has set the standard that men are suppose to be stoic and strong. However, I have no issue with men expressing themselves, it's the lashing out at others and making them responsible for carrying the burden of their emotional turmoil that I have an issue with.
LOL, If you think women will show any type of empathy for guys that struggle in dating.
I empathize, but what good does that do? ESPECIALLY towards the guys who express hate/disdain for women for the same women they want.
__________________ ____________________________________________
My posts as a Mod will always be in red.
Be sure to review Terms of Service: TOS
And check this out: FAQ
Moderator: Relationships Forum / Hawaii Forum / Dogs / Pets / Current Events
I can only speak for myself, and I tend to have immediate empathy for people in these forums.
But some posters make it hard. Some people are just negative, unwilling to see how they are the main person influencing their own life/problems, and they blame everyone one. It's not just this forum, it's others in CD. I probably read and post to the financial forums the most and there are a handful of posters there who are also very negative. First they talk about their financial problems and then other posters provide advice on how the original poster can improve things... there is some back and forth... blah, blah, blah...and in the end the original poster rejects all help and lashes out on another type of person who he or she sees as their "enemy" (homeowners, those with higher paying jobs, other investors, those of another generation... basically someone they envy or whom they think has things "easier").
Sound familiar?
I lose empathy or posters like this who are hostile to others and won't take responsible for their own lives.
And, while I don't really lose empathy for some posters, I give up on some posters. There are some posters to whom you've given everything... empathy, advice, encouragement... and none of it seems to help or sink in. They don’t blame others, but they are stuck. There is nothing you can do and more empathy and advice doesn’t help. There is a saying about doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.
There are a few posters in this forum I've given up on in this fashion. I really hope the best for them and hope they find happiness. But I've given them all I can give at this point. It's up to them now.
Perhaps the experience was so grueling and draining because she didn't look enough like a man for most women to be attracted to her?
Women already are in the shoes of men when they date. Women are judged by prospective male suitors on how much money they make, their career, their earning potential, whether they own a home or not.
Then the people who word things more like "I'm just to ugly to get any attention from women who all want tall good looking guys with money."
...is a really, really, really good point.
The lament is so often accusatory and so often paints women as money-grubbing, superficial, picky azzhurls. It is never JUST "Oh, I'm sad, I don't feel attractive, I wish I could get a date." It's generally a mix of any of the following or sometimes all of them:
"I am just too ugly to get any attention from women. I'm also too short, since women demand a man at least 6'0...even if the woman is incredibly short...I have seen it myself, a woman dismissively flicking her hand at a guy who's only a foot taller than she is. ALL my cousins do this and ALL the women on Facebook. Unfortunately, I just am not in that 20% top Alpha tier that women demand no matter where the women fall on the scale. As we all know, women who are no more than 5/6s will demand rich, tall men who are solid 8/9s at the very least, including overweight single mothers. And of course there's the hypergamy factor, with women who want feminism so they can have all the benefits but don't feel like working can be comfortable for life living off a man. Therefore I don't have much hope."
Well what the hail do you expect us women to say to that kind of stuff??? It isn't a lamentation...it's an accusation sprinkled with plenty of generalizing hatred toward and belittling of women. It's like a super-neg. Of course women are going to be "unsupportive" of someone thinly veiling attacks on how stupid, shallow and ugly yet entitled we women are. What do you expect? "Oh no, poor you, I'm one of those women you detest sight unseen, let me pat you gently and comfort you"? No.
Perhaps the experience was so grueling and draining because she didn't look enough like a man for most women to be attracted to her?
Women already are in the shoes of men when they date. Women are judged by prospective male suitors on how much money they make, their career, their earning potential, whether they own a home or not.
Yes...I tried to state this some ways back but didn't put it as succinctly as you did. She's not QUITE a man no matter how much she tries to "act like" one. She has no experience BEING one. It's kind of like when men try to act like women and their voices just aren't quite right and everything is exaggerated...you can just tell. I am SURE these women were picking up on something being "off" there.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
