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It didn’t take me 9 months to figure it out. I thought that if i stuck around and showed him he deserved love and deserved someone who would treat him right and wouldn’t hurt him, then maybe he could finally let his past go
That's admirable, but you can't ignore flaming red flags with the hope of rehabbing someone. That's not love. It's masochism.
It didn’t take me 9 months to figure it out. I thought that if i stuck around and showed him he deserved love and deserved someone who would treat him right and wouldn’t hurt him, then maybe he could finally let his past go
Well...you deserve all those things too.
I always think that healing from a divorce is like peeling an onion. You think you've got something figured out, and you think you've healed, and then something happens, and you realize "Ah...nope...still got some healing to do."
He will probably think long and hard on the reasons why you broke up with him. He MAY learn a lesson, and adjust his behavior...but divorce is painful, and SOMETIMES it takes a really long time to figure it out...especially when you're in the midst of it. Kind of like not being able to see the forest because of the trees. Not being able to see the big picture.
I always think that healing from a divorce is like peeling an onion. You think you've got something figured out, and you think you've healed, and then something happens, and you realize "Ah...nope...still got some healing to do."
He will probably think long and hard on the reasons why you broke up with him. He MAY learn a lesson, and adjust his behavior...but divorce is painful, and SOMETIMES it takes a really long time to figure it out...especially when you're in the midst of it. Kind of like not being able to see the forest because of the trees. Not being able to see the big picture.
I can’t imagune what divorce is like. And honestly, we started dating before they were officially divorced (they split in November 2015 and the divorce was official in July 2017), so she was still very much present in our relationship, which was a struggle for me and made me feel a bit insecure.
My bitterness towards him comes from the fact that he HEAVILY pursued me. I had been single for 4 years... by choice, because of the pain and hurt i had experienced from previous abusive relationships. I was reluctant to give him a chance, but he kept on about how awesome of a girl I was and how I deserved the best. Of course, in the beginning, he surprised me with little gifts, made an effort to talk through things and made me feel comfortable about expressing myself.
The guy is still in pain. I think it's unfair to you that he got in relationship when he obviously is not yet over what his ex did to him. Just leave him, you know you can do that right? LOL.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sweetjess1951
I can’t imagune what divorce is like. And honestly, we started dating before they were officially divorced (they split in November 2015 and the divorce was official in July 2017), so she was still very much present in our relationship, which was a struggle for me and made me feel a bit insecure. .
So you were dating a married man. It happens, I get it, I've dated separated women (aka married women), one just should never allow oneself to get emotionally intertwined with such a person.
The guy is still in pain. I think it's unfair to you that he got in relationship when he obviously is not yet over what his ex did to him. Just leave him, you know you can do that right? LOL.
Yea, I guess that’s what makes me mad. I asked him multiple times if he was ready for a relationship. His best friend asked him the same thing and he told me he was tired of us asking, that he was. I had concerns about dating someone who had been previously married because I wondered if he could love me the way he loved the person he wanted to spend his life with. But he kept reassuring me he was ready.
Bitterness is something one can get over if they so chooses to do so.I'm glad you broke up with this person because it's not fair to punish you for how someone had treated him in his past relationship.It's NOT your burden to bare.He has issues that he needs to work on because the next relationship he'll be in..he will be doing the same thing to her.
Never look back and move forward from this.
I am not quite certain what you are asking, even. I don't think that the way this guy is acting necessarily has anything to do with previous relationships and that he sounds pretty narcissistic from your posting history on him. He probably treated her very similarly until she got sick of it and left.
Are you asking - can people be damaged and then "saved" by someone else? I really don't think so. I think you need to save yourself and process what the heck just happened before you're ready for a relationship. I met my husband at the tail end of his divorce (he got separated in May 2009 and we got together in October 2010 and his divorce was final December 2010 simply because she moved without telling anyone so she could receive half of his BAH still). He had an ex-wife who essentially cheated on him prior to getting married (he didn't know, but his friends did) and then after they had a child together and experienced the loss of a child together (due to a birth defect) and she cheated on him and he caught her doing it. He was then sent to Iraq a month later and then she got pregnant by another guy. All of those things are terrible, awful things. He was separated while he was in Iraq and had a long time to process his separation and divorce. And our relationship never included her in it. I was never jealous of her or competing with her or wondering if he would love me the way he loved her. He also had time to process what he contributed to the relationship to make it deteriorate in such a way and how he could be a better partner for someone else. This guy does not sound like he thinks has any accountability and that he is solely a victim. He will also be the victim now that you left him, because that's the narrative he wants to drive.
My guess is that maybe for the right person he would try to get over himself and be a better partner or maybe he is just too selfish. Either way, it's better to cut and run rather than force something that makes you miserable.
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