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This 100%. I think he’s fearful of getting hurt again and anytime he feels insecure, he turns into a hateful jerk. There have even been times when we would get in a fight and out of nowhere he’d say the most ridiculous things like “I have worked extremely hard to get where I am and no one is going to take that away from me or tell me what I can spend my money on” and I would have never uttered a word about money, let alone what he could spend it on. It’s like he can’t differentiate between their relationship and ours, and is late to the party with standing up for himself to her. I mean, he would just say the most random things to me, accusing me of things that didn’t make sense.... but were things she did to him.
She cheated and he STILL won’t admit she did, but I get accused of being shady for no reason. I mean, I’d spend my time with him, stay at his house pretty much every night and I constantly did things for him to show him I loved him.
His family told him how awesome I am and how much they love me. His aunt and uncle even told him if he broke up with me, they would adopt me. But no one likes his ex-wife but he still gave her everything.
This is a sad tragic story for him. My hopes is for him to figure himself out and decide whether or not relationships are for him at all.
I can't imagine what it is like to give your all for someone only to get back venom. But I have loved people in my family (not romantic) who have outright hated me. I've done all I can to please them, and they have... nevermind.
It's horribly unfair -- but very common -- for anyone to project pain and insecurities from past relationships onto their next partner. A new person should not be punished for what someone else did.
Your relationship never stood a chance because he did not take a breather in between his wife and you. You were never going to be able to "fix" him, despite your best intentions. I am incredulous that you tolerated this behavior for 9 months. You did the right thing by moving on, and now you know that overlapping relationships aren't likely to be viable -- nor are relationships with men still hung up on an ex's bad behavior.
It's horribly unfair -- but very common -- for anyone to project pain and insecurities from past relationships onto their next partner. A new person should not be punished for what someone else did.
Your relationship never stood a chance because he did not take a breather in between his wife and you. You were never going to be able to "fix" him, despite your best intentions. I am incredulous that you tolerated this behavior for 9 months. You did the right thing by moving on, and now you know that overlapping relationships aren't likely to be viable -- nor are relationships with men still hung up on an ex's bad behavior.
And I thought he was over it. He had even dated girls in between me and his ex-wife, I was just the one he wanted to make it official with.
And this behavior wasn’t present at the beginning (go figure). We would literally text all day and night, and I would get compliments from him, making me feel good. That didn’t continue as we continued the relationship. He would buy me little things or pay for my dinner when we hung out after softball, with no question. He was affectionate and he WANTED to spend time with me. I specifically remember a time when he had asked me to hang out a couple times and i wouldnt. He told me that it was important to spend time together and not just seeing each other at softball. Now, I literally have to beg him to do something with me besides just sitting on the couch.
I am incredulous that you tolerated this behavior for 9 months.
Me, too.
Quote:
Originally Posted by sweetjess1951
And this behavior wasn’t present at the beginning (go figure). We would literally text all day and night, and I would get compliments from him, making me feel good. That didn’t continue as we continued the relationship. He would buy me little things or pay for my dinner when we hung out after softball, with no question. He was affectionate and he WANTED to spend time with me. I specifically remember a time when he had asked me to hang out a couple times and i wouldnt. He told me that it was important to spend time together and not just seeing each other at softball. Now, I literally have to beg him to do something with me besides just sitting on the couch.
It's pretty common behavior, after a horrible divorce.
It's not really about YOU. It's most likely about his unwillingness to be alone and to address his issues. He saw you as symbolic of something he wanted so he could prove to himself that he was OK, and so he sought it out with abandon. Once he acquired it, ¯\_(ツ)_/¯.
He wasn’t a bad boyfriend all the time. I did enjoy a good amount of our relationship. It was just when I tried to talk to him about things that upset me and he took it as an attack on him personally.
So finally broke up with the bitter jerk I’ve been posting about for months now. Long story, short, he was previously married and she blind-sided him by cheating and leaving divorce papers on the counter before she left for work. All his family and friends have not had one nice word to say about her, but rather how horrible of a person she was by being selfish, manipulative, controlling and just mean.
I believe that she left him bitter about love and I’m the one who has been punished. First of all, he’s never said one bad word about her. Not that I expect him to spend his time cussing her name, but you’d think he have a little more anger towards someone who accepted his proposal for marriage and couldn’t even respect him enough to wait until she officially ended the marriage to spread her legs. HOWEVER, I travel for work, and I can’t even go on a trip that literally consists of meetings and then heading back to my room for the night and ordering room service without being accused of being shady or cheating.
He will randomly accuse me of the craziest things, but would be accusations that are consistent with how his ex-wife actually acted. She was always elaborately over-dressed and purposely changed to more revealing clothing when his friends came over, but I’m told I’m an attention wh*re because I make a post on Facebook asking for recommendations on a company that can fix my garbage disposal.
She was constantly controlling him and his money, telling him what he could and could not buy, even going as far as telling his niece (who was 8 at the time) that they would NOT spend $50 on an American Girl Doll for Christmas. BUT, even though I’ve never once told him he couldn’t buy things, asked him for money or expected anything from him, he told me I would have to sign a prenup if we got married because he saw “would could have happened”. Well I could get hit by a bus and die, but I’m not going to sit in my house for the rest of my life.
It got to the point where we would fight and he would tell me that he couldn’t make me happy, when making me happy was simply doing the things boyfriends should do. I never asked him to buy me things or constantly take me out. I mean, in the 9 months we dated, he never bought me flowers, we went out to dinner MAYBE 10 times, went to a movie once and did a sporting activity like bowling and topgolf 5 times.... IN 9 MONTHS. Yet, so many girls expect their boyfriends to treat them like a queen.
Anyways, it’s just sad that someone allows a hurtful event like a divorce dictate their relationships in the future. I mean, is bitterness something you can ever get over?
It sounds like you became the whipping-girl for this guy, to use to take our his anger at his ex-wife. He wouldn't disparage her, but laid all of his anger and resentment on you. It's fortunate that you've put him behind you and you shouldn't continue to beat yourself up over him. No reason to even keep thinking about him.
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