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I'm a 30-year-old single mom. I was married for 5 years, got divorced 2,5 years ago and have been looking for a partner for about 2 years.
During these 2 years I was registered at one dating website, then deleted my profile, than got registered again. I was making breaks 2 times, but then got back to it.
I'm pretty, so I get a lot of texts from men. During these 2 years I had dates with 25 men, and I'm still single.
The reason is the following. When a man wants to have sex too early, I tell him that he needs to wait, as I'm looking for a serious, long-term and committed relationship. After this phrase most men disappear. Some disappear after the first "No", with some I had several dates, but sooner or later all of them disappear.
It looks like if men don't get sex during the first dates, they just turn to other women. Looks like men I've met on dating websites aren't "hunters" but rather lazy Koalas who just want sex, doesn't matter with whom. And it's a serious dating website, and I pay a lot for the membership.
With the last guy I met I was dating for 6 weeks. We often had a similar program. Meeting at a restaurant, having a nice dinner, then going to the cinema and kissing a lot there, and then having drinks in the bar. Then he saw me to my house, we kissed for a long time. He wanted to come in, I said "It's too early, sorry", so he went home.
The last time we met he insisted on coming in, and I said: "Sorry, but it's too early, we need to know each other better", so he said: "When will this finally happen?". And I said: "I can't say when. We'll just feel it when the things between us get really serious. Love is not a contract. I can't name you the date".
So he disappeared and hasn't contacted me for 4 days.
Maybe it was expensive for him to pay for everything every time (he always paid for us both, although I proposed to pay 50/50, but he always refused to do that). Or maybe he just wanted sex from me. Or maybe, because I'm a single mom, he didn't want to carry this responsibility.
As for me, I want to get married eventually. So I'm looking for a partner and not just a hook-up.
What do you think, guys? Not only about him, but about my style of dating in general? Maybe I'm doing something wrong. Or maybe I tend to attract wrong people.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
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I think there is no way I'd go out with someone for 6 weeks who isn't interested in having sex with me. They aren't interested in me.
And I'm not going to connect with or have any type of committed relationship with someone where we're not having sex. I wouldn't have the information I need to determine if there is potential for a committed, monogamous relationship.
And no, no one (no one sane, that is) is going out with you for 3 weeks, 4 weeks, 6 weeks just to get laid. Getting laid is easy. Find a partner is hard. They are turning to other dates/people/options because you're telling them you aren't attracted to them. I get that. I would have moved on to.
Did you suggest doing something other than going to dinner? It seems like a routine that would get dull pretty fast. That makes me doubt that he was ever really into you; he may have thought he was "buying" you with all those dinners. If the kissing in the theater started already on the first or second date, that should tell you something.
Maybe try a different site, since the one you're using is expensive, and it isn't working for you. You're right to tell them from the start that you're looking for an LTR, a serious relationship. Notice how quickly that weeds the ranks. Does your online profile state that, as well?
How old is/are your kid/s? Apparently you have babysitting, to enable you to date? And just for clarity's sake, when you say dating 3, 4, 5 weeks, is that one date/week, or more frequently?
As adults, if a woman is saying no after 6 weeks, the man may bolt not because he "just" wants sex, but because sex is *an important part* of an adult relationship, in his opinion. To him it will seem you're not on the same page as he is. Six weeks actually is a bit of time. I may get push-back for saying that but IMO, if you've been exclusive, really like each other, are seeking longer-term, and are close and have been dating consistently for a month and a half, hearing "too soon" could make the guy think you really don't like him very much and/or are just not on the same page he is.
It also may make him worry that (sorry) you're prudish or just don't like sex all that much. I know that might not be the case but it's a possibility that he will think that because for many people, really liking/loving someone, as adults, means you want one another, certainly after a month or two.
our society is short lived. Most men will want sex early on and don't want to wait long. Because there are 10000000000 other women only who are most likely willing to have sex sooner.
6 weeks waiting is a long time for most, they usually expect you to put out or they move on to the next. Sorry. I wish it was different, but this is how modern society has come to. I blame OLD, because people think they have sooooo many opportunities and don't need to put effort in anymore to get to know each other and be friends first. I would say only a small percentage is willing to wait and most of those guys have a low libido or ED. If a guy is not interested in me sexually in the first two weeks, usually there is something wrong.
If they only wanted sex, they would be gone after the 2nd date.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,937 posts, read 36,948,491 times
Reputation: 40635
Quote:
Originally Posted by JerZ
I'm going to be honest. I'm a woman, BTW.
As adults, if a woman is saying no after 6 weeks, the man may bolt not because he "just" wants sex, but because sex is *an important part* of an adult relationship, in his opinion. To him it will seem you're not on the same page as he is. Six weeks actually is a bit of time. I may get push-back for saying that but IMO, if you've been exclusive, really like each other, are seeking longer-term, and are close and have been dating consistently for a month and a half, hearing "too soon" could make the guy think you really don't like him very much and/or are just not on the same page he is.
But that doesn't mean he JUST wants sex. At all.
It is A LOT of time, unless you're seeing each other every other week.
But yes, this. I want a LTR, but to know if someone is LTR potential then we actually have to do things to determine that potential, which includes sex. Too many times I've gone out with people where we get along smashingly. Great chemistry, lots in common, awesome discussions, we have the same goals, it's all there, I get excited... and boom, there is no sexual chemistry or we're not sexually compatible. It's over at that point.
I think there is no way I'd go out with someone for 6 weeks who isn't interested in having sex with me. They aren't interested in me.
And I'm not going to connect with or have any type of committed relationship with someone where we're not having sex. I wouldn't have the information I need to determine if there is potential for a committed, monogamous relationship.
And no, no one (no one sane, that is) is going out with you for 3 weeks, 4 weeks, 6 weeks just to get laid. Getting laid is easy. Find a partner is hard. They are turning to other dates/people/options because you're telling them you aren't attracted to them. I get that. I would have moved on to.
That's not true. I'm very attracted to this man. I love kissing him. But I'm afraid that if I have sex with him too early, he will turn away from me. I want to have the foundation for a relationship before making sex with him.
Oh, and as regards this most recent guy, you said you guys made out a lot quite a few times but it was still no, right? So for him, that was quite a few rejections. He may have started to feel you were just stringing him along and he was starting to feel like he was begging.
I don't blame him for not calling again if he felt this way. I'm not saying you WANTED to make him feel this way but it is probably how many people would feel, hearing "no" 4, 5, 6, 7 times.
You didn't want him to turn away so basically, you were playing a game (sorry to put it that way, I don't know how else to put this). You were "putting him off" in order to get something (fidelity and I guess commitment?) But it backfired because you waited too long. Games and rules and time frames and stuff never really seem to work out. You should have made love to him when you knew you wanted to, which I'm sure wasn't the first date but probably would have been well before the 8th or 9th or whatever.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,937 posts, read 36,948,491 times
Reputation: 40635
Quote:
Originally Posted by TS_Lady
That's not true. I'm very attracted to this man. I love kissing him. But I'm afraid that if I have sex with him too early, he will turn away from me. I want to have the foundation for a relationship before making sex with him.
I'm telling you my perspective. Women I know that are attracted to me, the way I'm attracted to them, have sex with me.
And no, I don't turn away from women because they have sex "too early", there is no such thing. If we're not compatible in that arena, well yes, the most we can be is friends.
And sex IS part of a foundation for a relationship, from my point of view.
That's not true. I'm very attracted to this man. I love kissing him. But I'm afraid that if I have sex with him too early, he will turn away from me. I want to have the foundation for a relationship before making sex with him.
I agree. If the man is seriously interested in building a relationship with you, then having sex or not in the beginning shouldn't even matter.
Is hard to find someone who is willing to wait. If you want to find the one, you have to be patience. I wish you the best.
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