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Don’t know where to start. I’ve been married to my wife since 2003, going on 15 years in October. First year was Dante’s Inferno of a hell. Stabilized over the years with the usual ups and downs. The past few weeks we’ve reverted to the living hell stage, and I can’t pinpoint the cause.
Some background. I freely admit to struggling with self confidence and trust. I grew up in an alcoholic home and witnessed my dad, whom suffered from PTSD from Vietnam, get hammered and have horrific physical fights with our mom. Later, as an adult, dealt with relationships where my SO was deceitful and left for other men. Met my wife in 02, and carried the baggage in with it. My wife has her own family history of parents that were abusive towards each other and a history of mental illness on her mother’s side.
She has two sons from a previous marriage. We mostly get along. Oldest is working, but still at home at 22 and other than driving our daughter to middle school, offers no other help around the house. Second son left the house at 18, dropped out of HS and lives with his GF. I get frustrated at their decisions, but it only serves to aggravate my wife and it leads to a few tense moments. I learned a long time ago to pick my fights regarding the boys. Nobody listens to my advice, so why even bother at the point.
Past few weeks, or month have been troubling. My wife is distant, seems withdrawn at times. This fluctuates with periods of aggravation and moodiness. She’s 47, so I wonder if hormones and menopause are factors. I recently interviewed for an RN position that would place me at a VA outpatient clinic that is half the distance from my current job and brings hours that are 8-4, with no weekends or holidays. I have worked nights for the past four years. I bring home good money, but I feel terrible most of the time from no sleep and have gained weight that is hard to lose. My wife offers only soft support. She’s in fear of losing the extra money, but seems to care less if my quality of life improves. This background has led to two horrendous fights where I have, unjustly, and without evidence, accused her of being interested in other men. I also got caught calling her the B word under my breath as I was putting our towels up in the bathroom. This escalated horribly and I grabbed her arm from leaving the room and she retaliated by punching my arm, and promising me she would file for divorce Monday morning.
I left for work later. Nearly 24 hours later we are both in silent mode. This has been a weapon of choice for my wife for years. In fights past, the silence was deafening and painful. This time, I’m digging my heels in and giving it right back.
I owe her apologies. My trust issues have led me to acccuse her over the years when I’ve had zero physical evidence. I also owe her one for being verbally abusive and disrespectful. She will get those but I refuse to give ground over her pattern of being prideful and never admitting her own wrongs. I also feel betrayed that she only offers lukewarm support for a job change that would bring me closer to home and lead to a healthier lifestyle. In her words, the 3-4 nights a week I was gone where “breaks.” Yea, that a punch in the gut to say the least. Even after a job change, I would still bring home 65,000 a year and federal benefits. I would also be available to take our girl to volleyball practice and games.
If she leaves me, it will be one of the worst things to happen. But, I’m not begging this time or giving in. If she can make it as a single mom at 47 yrs old and making 14/hr, then she can knock herself out trying. I have made mistakes and made them worse by not seeking help. I know this and I’m owning it. However my wife’s refusal to give concessions and compromise has led to some of this as well. Her refusal to support me in a potential new job makes her look like she’s only concerned with money, and not my well being .
Sorry for longish post. Hope to hear some feedback, and I will clarify anything I’ve wrote.
A few things...at least you are owning you bad behavior with your wife. You are incredibly insecure because of the lack of intimacy and stability in the marriage, I assume.
You getting a job where you will be at home more is wonderful news and it will be great for you family, but you are punishing her for not responding the way that you wanted her to respond.
Perhaps she is concerned with the financials if you change jobs or how that will interrupt the routine that she already has going.
Regardless, you sound very angry and you need to pull it together. I know emotions are running high, but if you want to keep your family in tact, you've got to calm down and just tell her what you really want her to know which is...I want to be here for you and our family. I want us to start connecting again and spend more time together.
Sit down together and make a plan for the financials if you need to, plan a family game night and please be respectful how you speak to her and don't make her feel small for making less money than you.
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"I don't understand. But I don't care, so it works out."
(set 17 days ago)
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Once one partner says I love it when you're away because then I get a break, it's all over, rbryant. This is over.
She's not going to have to "make it on her own" as a single mom, because you'll be paying child support.
You're not "owning" anything, that you post anonymously on an internet forum but don't tell your wife, and try to rectify. That's not "owning". If you were going to "own" this, you'd admit it to her face, what you've said here, and make a plan to rectify the damage you are doing. You're not doing that. What you are doing, is privately to yourself admitting she's right about stuff.
From what she's saying, and you're alluding to, you're making her miserable and she's ready to be done, even if that puts her in poverty.
OP, why have you not sought professional help for your PTSD, and have you ever asked your wife to go to marriage counseling with you? If not, it's time.
Find someone in your area who offers a technique called EMDR for your PTSD. When properly administered, it's quick and very effective, requiring just a few sessions. You should feel relief after the first session. This does not require revisiting any painful scenarios, or telling any stories, usually. I've read that the VA has changed the protocol, and DOES have patients relive the painful memories. I would pay cash to a private practitioner, if I could, in order to avoid that. This technique was first tested on Vietnam vets in the 80's, as originally developed, and pronounced very effective.
You guys need a profe4ssional to mediate between you, so that when you give something, you can be reasonably assured that your wife will also give. But in order to get there, you need to approach the topic in some way, with some contriteness (which it sounds you're not inclined to do at the moment), so she'll be able to see that there will be benefit in going. You'll need to offer an olive branch.
It sounds like your wife has some past trauma (from her family) to clear out of her system, too. (EMDR again.) If both of you are willing to do the work to heal from your individual past personal issues, along with the work of communicating openly and fairly, and learning how to do that with a good marriage counselor, there is hope. If one of you isn't "all in", well....
Stick to your guns when it come to the new job. In the end, it might prove to be what's best for both of you. If she is working days, and you are working nights, I don't know when you see each other or spend any kind of good times together.
I'm no professional, but to me good times and their memories are what gets us through the hard or bad times. You will be a better rested person, so probably a happier person, and that might become contagious and make her happier too.
You cant worry about her boys, so just bite your tongue, unless you are specifically asked something, or something happens with them that is personally relevant to you. They are both grown men at this point, and at least one is attempting to stand on his own 2 feet. One thing I know from my own mistakes, education isn't going anywhere, so anyone with a brain can always return to education at any point in their life.
If she keeps up about the change in pay, point out how much better you feel now, and maybe she could ask her 22 year old to contribute whatever she feels is missing from the family pot. Don't get mad, and don't say it to him, but put it out there that there is a grown man living in her house who is contributing nothing toward his keep at this point.
Try to remember what brought you together. Whatever things you did to have a good time, do them again. Its easy to become complacent and grow apart. Its not hard to put yourselves back where you were when you love each other.
Why assume you'd lose custody, if you are. You can keep your daughter and make her pay child support. Seems like she sees you as a meal ticket. Long commutes can be brutal, she should be happy for you, if she actually cared about you.
Although I have to say, I can't condone in anyway you getting physical. There's no place for that.
OP, I hope you go for the job change. Two words: federal pension! Plus it will allow you more family time.
Your absences were "breaks" for her? Breaks from what? Is there more to the story? Please get relief from your PTSD and relationship fears/trust issues. Do this for yourself, and for your daughter's sake, if not your wife's. Then move to get help for the marriage. Good luck!
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