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I agree with some already posted... I think divorce is a viable option. This isn't just being unhappy or unsatisfied with life together but hating what it has become. There are no kids....
I was about to say that you need to talk and express how you feel to him... but it sounds like you are past that point... right?
Contact the Masterson Institute in New York and ask for a therapist near you. You may have to travel miles from home, but you're going to want someone well-versed in NPD to guide you through a process of becoming healthier and eventually disentangling from what is unhealthy.
I don't want to jump to conclusions that he has NPD for sure, but what you're describing is extreme behavior. A good, trained therapist can help you figure this out.
A lot of your own personal work will need to be done (grief work) and you may want to get some insight from a book such as Harville Hendrix's Getting the Love You Want
It's a "guide for couples", but forget that part. Do this on your own.
I agree with some already posted... I think divorce is a viable option. This isn't just being unhappy or unsatisfied with life together but hating what it has become. There are no kids....
I was about to say that you need to talk and express how you feel to him... but it sounds like you are past that point... right?
Yes.
He will not listen to me or consider my feelings. He gets angry and defensive. I cannot talk to him about it.
Contact the Masterson Institute in New York and ask for a therapist near you. You may have to travel miles from home, but you're going to want someone well-versed in NPD to guide you through a process of becoming healthier and eventually disentangling from what is unhealthy.
I don't want to jump to conclusions that he has NPD for sure, but what you're describing is extreme behavior. A good, trained therapist can help you figure this out.
A lot of your own personal work will need to be done (grief work) and you may want to get some insight from a book such as Harville Hendrix's Getting the Love You Want
It's a "guide for couples", but forget that part. Do this on your own.
It means that I enjoy being alone and having my solitude but also, I enjoy having someone around too. I grew up an only child with no close family and frequent moves that resulted in constant loss of friends. My brutal work schedule makes friendships difficult to maintain. Even though I am an introvert by nature, I still enjoy interacting with people from time to time. Other than the people I work with I would have very little human interaction if I lived alone.
My life and schedule (and personality type) mirror what you have described.
Last fall I left a 25-year marriage because my psychologist asked me which would be worse, divorce or mental illness, and I paused. That's when I knew I needed a change ... because mental illness (or suicide) should NOT be an option. But I was still looking for ways to maintain the life that others were accustomed to me living... a life that was BAD for me.
You should not prefer to be a victim. You are actually victimizing yourself by staying for this abuse. Because it IS abuse.
When you finally DO get away from him, you will be surprised at how your life opens up. There are possiblities you cannot consider because of your codependency. If you would trust yourself to find other opportunities for social interaction, you could get yourself out of this mess.
It means that I enjoy being alone and having my solitude but also, I enjoy having someone around too. I grew up an only child with no close family and frequent moves that resulted in constant loss of friends. My brutal work schedule makes friendships difficult to maintain. Even though I am an introvert by nature, I still enjoy interacting with people from time to time. Other than the people I work with I would have very little human interaction if I lived alone.
Can you switch your work hours so that you work in the evenings? Or take a several week vacation away from your husband so that you can "regain your strength" and sense of self (at least a little)?
My life and schedule (and personality type) mirror what you have described.
Last fall I left a 25-year marriage because my psychologist asked me which would be worse, divorce or mental illness, and I paused. That's when I knew I needed a change ... because mental illness (or suicide) should NOT be an option. But I was still looking for ways to maintain the life that others were accustomed to me living... a life that was BAD for me.
You should not prefer to be a victim. You are actually victimizing yourself by staying for this abuse. Because it IS abuse.
When you finally DO get away from him, you will be surprised at how your life opens up. There are possiblities you cannot consider because of your codependency. If you would trust yourself to find other opportunities for social interaction, you could get yourself out of this mess.
But I don't think you will.
I will think about it seriously. I really want a normal life. A life where you have friends, good times, enjoy life. I remember living that way once, but I just assumed that when you got older, things changed. But I see people I know, my age, approximately, having fun, enjoying life. So It makes me think about how my life could be.
I am very much a person who thrives on loving someone and being good to them. I like to be appreciated, which I NEVER am now. No matter what I do, it is criticized. Not in a "mean" way, but criticized never the less. It is soul-crushing to me.
THanks to all for the advice and concern. I am taking it all into consideration. Thank you.
When I finally got away from my husband, I heard something in one of the Al-Anon rooms that stuck with me:
"If you're always gonna do what you always did, then you're always gonna get what you always got."
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