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I'm 50, male and live in the Greenville, SC area. I have been in an LTR for a little over 2 years and it has just ended. I keep seeming to have the same relationship issues over and over again despite how much I try to change my "picking" behavior.
I am convinced that I am just not built for Long-Term Relationships and will be not looking for any more of them.
So I'm seeing a few things:
1.) I keep finding women with bad childhood experiences.
2.) Despite my family's kind nature, there seems to be a time point where my GFs start becoming rude and disrespectful towards my folks which I can't have. It starts off great but then the rudeness kicks in about two years down the road. My parents are as nice as can be. They are, however, not perfect.
3.) I also seem to be attracted to women with Personality Disorders. I really thought I had fixed that but apparently not.
Now, once again, I am in a roommate situation with 6 long more months to go before we can go our own ways. The really sad part of this is that this is my second experience with this situation (breaking up mid-lease).
I feel numb as along with this, I am in a never-ending job hunt which of course is making things worse. I also feel very lonely as my friends are in other parts of the country and I just have my folks and a brother here. My brother really doesn't want to talk about it.
In this latest episode, we were at my parent's house for a delayed Father's Day meal. My brother and wife were there too. My GF seemed to show up looking for a fight. We started to talk about immigration and antisemitism. My parents explained their experience with some bad stuff. My GF basically tells them that she doesn't believe them and that they are making it up. She then says, "we're leaving".
The whole day for my Dad is now ruined. My Brother's wife who is NOT a peach jumps in and leaves too. My parents were very hurt and I would love to blame it on them or something they did. All they did was explain their encounters and situations.
So after a long and very ugly argument, my GF says that we actually don't share similar political views and that she thinks we're all a bunch of racists. SURPRISE!
It's just been like this the last three relationships I have had. Poor communication, and girlfriends saying one thing about their beliefs but believing/feeling another way.
This was the last blow for us. She had hit me about a year ago but had blamed it on pre-menopausal hormones. It sounded right at the time and the doctors even said this could happen. But frankly, I'm not so sure. Now I believe we should have just ended then. Dumb, dumb, dumb on my part.
But now this. One line was crossed and I gave in but not this line. I don't have any more patience for extra drama and the issues that now come from a GF and my parents not getting along.
It almost feels that the girlfriends WANT to self-destruct at some point.
What your story has conveyed to us so far, aside from the fact that there may be a tendency to jump into living together too soon, is that your girlfriends break up with you because of your parents' "unusual" views on certain ethnic groups. IOW, your relationship problems are due to your parents, not to any mental illness on the part of your gfs; this is the picture you have painted. It may not be an accurate picture, nor the one you intended to present, but it's nevertheless the picture you chose to paint in your first post. You seem to be unaware of the role your parents (unintentionally) play in your breakups.
My therapist told me a couple years ago that I'm attracted to women with PDs because I'm a rescuer with low self esteem. As a result, I'm willing to overlook major issues. Of course she was right.
That's one part of it. I know when I dated a woman with Borderline Personality Disorder, that was a very correct statement.
With this woman, I was told one thing about her stances on politics but yet the truth was that she wasn't even close.
So for me, you have to do more than take someone's word for it for now on and have bigger discussions to flush out the biggies like religion, politics and worldviews.
That's one part of it. I know when I dated a woman with Borderline Personality Disorder, that was a very correct statement.
With this woman, I was told one thing about her stances on politics but yet the truth was that she wasn't even close.
So for me, you have to do more than take someone's word for it for now on and have bigger discussions to flush out the biggies like religion, politics and worldviews.
I'm glad you were able to extract yourself from that Borderline relationship in one piece.
Like you, I've also taken things at face value. But now, I do quite a bit more vetting before I start think about building trust between us.
1.) I keep finding women with bad childhood experiences.
2.) Despite my family's kind nature, there seems to be a time point where my GFs start becoming rude and disrespectful towards my folks which I can't have. It starts off great but then the rudeness kicks in about two years down the road. My parents are as nice as can be. They are, however, not perfect.
3.) I also seem to be attracted to women with Personality Disorders. I really thought I had fixed that but apparently not.
1. I think many people have bad childhood experiences
2. I have NEVER heard about this in a plural form. MORE than one GF is rude to your parents? That makes me think your parents are at fault here, not the GFs.
3. Almost everyne now has some sort of Personality Disorder. Are you too nice, do you let women walk all over you and get away with everything? Maybe you should learn how to set boundaries in relationships.
it strikes me as odd, the topic of conversation your "nice as can be" parents chose for dinner with guests. They just launch into a "narrative" over dinner (which apparently was perceived by your gf as a rant) about some incidents involving immigrants and Jews?
Who does that? Who does it at all, let alone in front of company outside of family members? I"m sure you'll disagree, but I don't mind telling you that it's not normal behavior, especially for hosts of a dinner party..
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Nobody does that....we all know to avoid politics and religion at the dinner table. Well, most of us....you set yourself up for an uncomfortable dinner if you don't avoid these topics.
1. I think many people have bad childhood experiences
2. I have NEVER heard about this in a plural form. MORE than one GF is rude to your parents? That makes me think your parents are at fault here, not the GFs.
3. Almost everyne now has some sort of Personality Disorder. Are you too nice, do you let women walk all over you and get away with everything? Maybe you should learn how to set boundaries in relationships.
What sort of “nice as can be” parents launch into diatribes about so-called bad experiences with certain racial groups at the dinner table with people they don’t really know that well? I know if I were in the girlfriend’s situation, I would also feel really uncomfortable and would want to get out of that situation ASAP as well. What does this have to do with a person having a personality disorder? I don’t think it’s at all relevant.
A person can have a certain stance on immigration but still feel uncomfortable when people start going off on some diatribe at the dinner table. Having a particular political belief doesn’t automatically mean that you are going to support this sort of behavior in a dinner environment.
What sort of “nice as can be” parents launch into diatribes about so-called bad experiences with certain racial groups at the dinner table with people they don’t really know that well?
It's almost comical how certain posters on this board twist people's words to fit their agenda.
We've gone from OP's initial statement: "My parents explained their experience with some bad stuff" to empty accusations of "launching into a diatribe." Could the tactics be anymore obvious?
Well, most people keep their mouth shut when they have a different opinion and sit with the in laws at the dinner table. It has to be really extreme for someone to mouth off.
If ONE gf is rude to the parents, she might be an ahole.
If SEVERAL gfs have been rude to your parents, thats telling about the parents.
What do they say about the common denominator? ... the parents...
Well, most people keep their mouth shut when they have a different opinion and sit with the in laws at the dinner table. It has to be really extreme for someone to mouth off.
If ONE gf is rude to the parents, she might be an ahole.
If SEVERAL gfs have been rude to your parents, thats telling about the parents.
What do they say about the common denominator? ... the parents...
Well, whatever we do, let’s make 100% certain to make every attempt to deflect the blame away from the innocent gf and onto OP and his parents. That’s a great approach.
I'm 50, male and live in the Greenville, SC area. I have been in an LTR for a little over 2 years and it has just ended. I keep seeming to have the same relationship issues over and over again despite how much I try to change my "picking" behavior.
I am convinced that I am just not built for Long-Term Relationships and will be not looking for any more of them.
So I'm seeing a few things:
1.) I keep finding women with bad childhood experiences.
2.) Despite my family's kind nature, there seems to be a time point where my GFs start becoming rude and disrespectful towards my folks which I can't have. It starts off great but then the rudeness kicks in about two years down the road. My parents are as nice as can be. They are, however, not perfect.
3.) I also seem to be attracted to women with Personality Disorders. I really thought I had fixed that but apparently not.
Now, once again, I am in a roommate situation with 6 long more months to go before we can go our own ways. The really sad part of this is that this is my second experience with this situation (breaking up mid-lease).
I feel numb as along with this, I am in a never-ending job hunt which of course is making things worse. I also feel very lonely as my friends are in other parts of the country and I just have my folks and a brother here. My brother really doesn't want to talk about it.
In this latest episode, we were at my parent's house for a delayed Father's Day meal. My brother and wife were there too. My GF seemed to show up looking for a fight. We started to talk about immigration and antisemitism. My parents explained their experience with some bad stuff. My GF basically tells them that she doesn't believe them and that they are making it up. She then says, "we're leaving".
The whole day for my Dad is now ruined. My Brother's wife who is NOT a peach jumps in and leaves too. My parents were very hurt and I would love to blame it on them or something they did. All they did was explain their encounters and situations.
So after a long and very ugly argument, my GF says that we actually don't share similar political views and that she thinks we're all a bunch of racists. SURPRISE!
It's just been like this the last three relationships I have had. Poor communication, and girlfriends saying one thing about their beliefs but believing/feeling another way.
This was the last blow for us. She had hit me about a year ago but had blamed it on pre-menopausal hormones. It sounded right at the time and the doctors even said this could happen. But frankly, I'm not so sure. Now I believe we should have just ended then. Dumb, dumb, dumb on my part.
But now this. One line was crossed and I gave in but not this line. I don't have any more patience for extra drama and the issues that now come from a GF and my parents not getting along.
It almost feels that the girlfriends WANT to self-destruct at some point.
YEP, #1 and #3...any woman that's single...it's they either have some kind of anxiety issue (dealt with that) bipolar, panic attacks, PTSD, etc etc etc.
I used to be empathetic and try to understand the woman I'm dating's issues, but now...it may start being a deal breaker when I hear, "Yeah, I spoke with my therapist..." in a conversation. lol
Also, everyone is overmedicated with pills to treat such things. "Yeah, I had to refill my anti-anxiety pills today"
If you start hearing that kind of talk on a third or 4th date, time to launch.
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