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When I was on OK Cupid, I tried to be honest with disclaimers about my situation without being too negative. I mean, there was plenty of fun stuff on there, too. But if my life circumstances were going to be a deal-breaker for a guy, I wasn't trying to waste his time contacting me, I figured. Not everyone wants to date a woman who is separated but still lives as a roommate with the ex, you can't come over for a visit, and I had 2 kids, and still was going to be navigating the divorce and all that for a time. Totally understandable for anyone to take a pass on all that!
(I did NOT get into complaining about the nitty-gritty of the breakup. I just made it like, we have parted ways and it's over. We're just trying to work out the logistics now.)
Mind you I had plenty of action going on in my dating life. I was having no trouble finding people to go out with, or to have sex with. It was going just fine. But this one man sent me a message, something like, "Wow. Your profile is very sht just happened. But oh well I guess I'd have coffee with you if you want." Like a pity date? I hadn't even viewed, matched, liked, messaged or anything at him, but he was like he was doing me a favor? My reaction was to raise an eyebrow, laugh, mutter "Brother please" and delete his message. That's a good way to not get a date.
He must have thought I was desperate or something. Silly man.
Nobody wants to be told, "well you are seriously flawed goods, you should be grateful and date me because I can accept you."
But that's not what I'm saying at all. I'm simply expressing what I believe. I'm not telling them to settle for me. They can continue looking for The One until they're 70 years old, I don't care. But I do feel an obligation to be honest with the people I interact with.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
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Originally Posted by RJ_
But that's not what I'm saying at all. I'm simply expressing what I believe. I'm not telling them to settle for me. They can continue looking for The One until they're 70 years old, I don't care. But I do feel an obligation to be honest with the people I interact with.
See, this is where you're having problems: communication. Yesterday you were frustrated that the other person wasn't communicating how you wanted them to. In this situation, you're having problems because people aren't interpreting things the way you meant them. You're missing tons of nuance. If you told me what you told those women, I would be 100% insulted and say buzz off. Real fast. Which happened to you, because you said the chats ended real fast.
You should be honest. There is nothing wrong with being honest. But you can say the exact same things 100 different ways, and many of them are more polite than another.
Saying this: A few of my chats with these women have ended rather abruptly when I told them that I don't think there's one guy out there just for you. I tell them that I believe there are those who will either accept you and see you as a viable partner or not.
Is saying this: You seem really awesome. I bet there are a bunch of guys out there that would be great for you, and would be lucky to have you, and you'd have a great relationship with.
Getting across the same point, nicely, and in a way that won't offend.
I suppose it's your definition of "The One" that i'm not clear on. Because to me, we meet 1000s of people in our lives that we may see as a potential partner, but we end up with the one that sticks around, that sees more pros than cons in being with us. Maybe there's only one person who would stay with us or maybe there's millions of people out there who would stay with us.
I had one who would have stayed with me until one of us died, but he was a bad partner. Plenty of people will cling on and not want to let go, who will also make you miserable and make your life a hell.
Some of them will be willing to partner and stay with you, and they are not bad people, but you have incompatibilities. Like mismatches in sex drive. (One of several issues I had with one boyfriend, he just didn't want it as much as I did--and that's ok if he finds a woman closer to where he's at. That woman isn't me.) Or different values, temperaments, etc. Often neither party is WRONG but they don't agree, and it's something important enough to both of them... so they are not compatible.
And then there is a rare thing where you find someone who is not only willing to be a long term partner, but they also are a healthy person who is compatible to you.
Believe it or not dude, LOTS of men of any age range are willing to simply "stick around." If there is one thing I learned from being on OLD, it's that this isn't uncommon. The old stereotype of men always wanting to hit it and quit it...it's not as true as we are led to believe. Sure, some guys are that. But many are looking for a woman they can build a life with. So if, like my ex, your biggest selling point is that you are "loyal" and will stick around...but you also will make them miserable every day...
I mean imagine you have a job, and you show up on time every day, and you do the work effectively, and never ever call in sick. But you are an absolute utter insufferable pain in the butt to everyone. You insult people, including your boss, constantly and no one can deal with your attitude. Think you're gonna keep that job? I doubt it.
Many guys are...kinda that. My ex was. Only at the end, it wasn't just insults, it was loaded guns.
But hey! He would have stayed! Loyal to the end, that's him!
See, this is where you're having problems: communication. Yesterday you were frustrated that the other person wasn't communicating how you wanted them to. In this situation, you're having problems because people aren't interpreting things the way you meant them. You're missing tons of nuance. If you told me what you told those women, I would be 100% insulted and say buzz off. Real fast.
You should be honest. There is nothing wrong with being honest. But you can say the exact same things 100 different ways, and many of them are more polite than another.
I'm willing to alter my approach linguistically, but I'm not going to be dishonest with people. If this woman is looking for The One, then there's a very good chance that we could begin a relationship, become emotionally attached and then, she sees a crack in her fantasy. All the sudden, she realizes that I don't fit her image of The One. So, in her mind, if I'm not The One, it will never work. I'm trying to avoid that scenario by being honest with them up front.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,936 posts, read 36,974,024 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RJ_
I willing to alter my approach linguistically, but I'm not going to be dishonest with people. If this woman is looking for The One, then there's a very good chance that we could begin a relationship, become emotionally attached and then, she sees a crack in her fantasy. All the sudden, she realizes that I don't fit her image of The One. So, in her mind, if I'm not The One, it will never work. I'm trying to avoid that scenario by being honest with them up front.
No one said be dishonest. And you're being WAAAAAY too literal about "The One" concept. Seriously.
Some of them will be willing to partner and stay with you, and they are not bad people, but you have incompatibilities. Like mismatches in sex drive. (One of several issues I had with one boyfriend, he just didn't want it as much as I did--and that's ok if he finds a woman closer to where he's at. That woman isn't me.)
Believe it or not dude, LOTS of men of any age range are willing to simply "stick around." If there is one thing I learned from being on OLD, it's that this isn't uncommon. The old stereotype of men always wanting to hit it and quit it...it's not as true as we are led to believe. Sure, some guys are that. But many are looking for a woman they can build a life with. So if, like my ex, your biggest selling point is that you are "loyal" and will stick around...but you also will make them miserable every day...
Well, to your first paragraph, that's just simple biology, as was concluded by Kinsey after decades of research. He established that the male sex hormone(testosterone) was at it's highest levels between the ages of 18-25. Where as women sexually peaked in their 30s.
To your second paragraph, I suppose the idea is to find a man who is willing to stick around and who you want to stick around. Isn't it really that simple?
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,936 posts, read 36,974,024 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RJ_
To your second paragraph, I suppose the idea is to find a man who is willing to stick around and who you want to stick around. Isn't it really that simple?
I believe that my above comment does encompass what human coupling is, as it's most basic level. You can provide myriad details, but they would all go into the category of "reasons he/she is willing to stick around" or "reasons he/she is not willing to stick around." If category 1 outweighs category 2, then you have a viable coupling.
I think it kind of is that simple, yet there's more underneath it. Why do I want him to stick around? Why does he want me to stick around?
The answer to this is to understand that for someone you may very well be "The One" and it is no fantasy, no BS. But you won't be that for everyone. It depends on what is important to them, and what is not. So instead of being "honest" about how you think they are going to be disappointed if they have standards (which is what that sounds like) then maybe just be honest about WHO YOU ARE and let them decide if you are "The One" for them or not, based on the reality you have presented, not a "fantasy."
I mean seriously I have probably encountered 1,000 guys or more in my life who, under the right circumstances, would have been willing to stick around with me and try to make a life. 999 of them were either in the wrong place at the wrong time, or were not compatible to me in various ways. I have "The One." He is not just some average schlub where we mutually settled, not in my opinion. "You're good enough and I'm good enough" does not a happy relationship make. The divorce rate is quite high for reasons, and many women are not in a big hurry to be another statistic. I already goofed this up when I was young and stupid, so I'm aiming to choose better in life these days. Y'know?
And being alone is not painful or difficult for me. Mr. Good Enough is no longer going to cut it. It was "The One" or no committed relationship at all--which would also have been just fine.
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