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Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,936 posts, read 36,962,945 times
Reputation: 40635
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RJ_
Yes, of course. The brain provides enough function to analyze data and express emotions. My disagreement was in your suggestion that I can separate the two, which is impossible. .
It might be for you, but it isn't at all for many people.
Quote:
Originally Posted by RJ_
But I do feel that love is not the only component needed to construct a functional, long term relationship.
Of course it isn't. But without it, there is nothing. Lots of X, Ys, and Zs can be negotiated or set aside and have a long healthy, mutually fulfilling relationships if the love is there. And you can have almost everything practical align perfectly (communication styles, life goals, values, character, blah blah blah) and there be no love, and it will never work. Love is the hardest part to actually find. You're still coming across as clinical about this. Dating, esp early on, yeah, its assessing the other person and them assessing you, but it's really about going out and having fun while doing so. You're not projecting any fun. I'm sure you're coming along and are better than you were, that's great, keep working on it.
Of course it isn't. But without it, there is nothing. Lots of X, Ys, and Zs can be negotiated or set aside and have a long healthy, mutually fulfilling relationships if the love is there. And you can have almost everything practical align perfectly (communication styles, life goals, values, character, blah blah blah) and there be no love, and it will never work. Love is the hardest part to actually find. You're still coming across as clinical about this. Dating, esp early on, yeah, its assessing the other person and them assessing you, but it's really about going out and having fun while doing so. You're not projecting any fun. I'm sure you're coming along and are better than you were, that's great, keep working on it.
My goal is not to have fun, my goal is find a viable long-term partner. I am willing to give your approach a try if it's proved successful for you. Case studies with actual results are really the best way to make conclusions.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,936 posts, read 36,962,945 times
Reputation: 40635
Quote:
Originally Posted by RJ_
My goal is not to have fun, my goal is find a viable long-term partner. I am willing to give your approach a try if it's proved successful for you. Case studies with actual results are really the best way to make conclusions.
Ok, I give up. You don't seem to get dating at all, and don't seem to want to. You're still looking at it as an equation to be solved to get your desired solution. That's not how it works. Connecting with a person isn't an equation.
And you are still singularly focused on yourself. To a fault. YOUR communication style so YOU can feel honest. Their communication style so YOU can understand. And what YOU want, without any mention of their having fun and being happy with you (even if you don't care about fun).
I just noticed you're a new poster. I am hoping this is in jest and I've been had. Seriously. I'm out.
Ok, I give up. You don't seem to get dating at all, and don't seem to want to. You're still looking at it as an equation to be solved to get your desired solution. That's not how it works. Connecting with a person isn't an equation.
And you are still singularly focused on yourself. To a fault. YOUR communication style so YOU can feel honest. Their communication style so YOU can understand. And what YOU want, without any mention of their having fun and being happy with you (even if you don't care about fun).
I am hoping this is in jest and I've been had. Seriously.
You're right in that I probably don't comprehend all the nuances that go along with wooing a partner. That's honestly the reason I'm on this forum, to understand better. And I'm not resisting your approach, I'm just trying to process it in a way that's logical. Obviously I want to be happy all the time, I just don't think it's possible, not for anyone. I think we can experience periods of happiness, but we don't live in Utopia, therefore happiness is fleeting. As such, happiness is not a realistic goal.
As far as fun and enjoyment. I like those too. I've been chatting with a woman from Florida and we've had both deep discussions and just frivolous chit chat that made me laugh. We even exchanged phone numbers last night and I'm going to call her this evening. My compulsion is to process everything through the filters of logic, and I'm resisting that urge right now because I don't want to blow it with this girl. But it's very uncomfortable allowing my emotional brain to take lead. I have to remind myself that the emotional brain is practical just as the analytical brain is.
You're right in that I probably don't comprehend all the nuances that go along with wooing a partner. That's honestly the reason I'm on this forum, to understand better. And I'm not resisting your approach, I'm just trying to process it in a way that's logical. Obviously I want to be happy all the time, I just don't think it's possible, not for anyone. I think we can experience periods of happiness, but we don't live in Utopia, therefore happiness is fleeting. As such, happiness is not a realistic goal.
As far as fun and enjoyment. I like those too. I've been chatting with a woman from Florida and we've had both deep discussions and just frivolous chit chat that made me laugh. We even exchanged phone numbers last night and I'm going to call her this evening. My compulsion is to process everything through the filters of logic, and I'm resisting that urge right now because I don't want to blow it with this girl. But it's very uncomfortable allowing my emotional brain to take lead. I have to remind myself that the emotional brain is practical just as the analytical brain is.
Logic doesn't suck! The way I see it is this... You use the emotional part to have a good time. But you don't let your feelings drive major life choices. So you go along, and your emotions are like "Yes, this is great!" but it is wise to make sure you're using your logic before you negotiate serious commitments or move in together or have kids and especially before a marriage. There does have to be a balance between "This is strictly business" and "Well we love each other, so what could go wrong?" It's when you veer too far in either direction that problems happen.
And your assertion that happiness is fleeting and therefore not so important, is a problem. Because every person gets a mixed back of happy stuff and not-so-happy stuff to deal with in life. Someone like me could say that "My troubles are fleeting," in much the same way. If you go through your life with a focus on negative things, which is easy to do and many do, then those things dominate your reality and your interactions with others.
Let's go back to "The One" concept. In saying it is a fantasy and something that no one can live up to, you're disregarding the concept of subjective reality, which I think is part of the issue here. A scientific and technical mind does want things to be objectively true or false, the same no matter who is perceiving them. A measured value being the same no matter who is measuring it. But here's why this approach fails in dating: Subjectivity. Which RULES everything about dating. People have varying priorities and tastes. So the man I chose, who is "The One" is only such to me. But since I'm the one with him, that's perfect. My mom thinks he's an old perv (to which I tell her, so what, I'm also a perv--only semi-jokingly) and many of my friends don't understand why I wouldn't choose the wealthier man or the better looking man or what have you. They can have their own priorities, but they only get to apply them to their own love lives, because I'm not about to care or make choices based on other people's taste!
So whenever a woman says, in the future, "The One" I would ask that instead of seeking to debunk and mansplain to her why this is not realistic or logical....translate those words in your mind to her saying, "My One" instead. Which means he need not be some ideal of objective perfection, nor a fantasy, merely to possess whatever qualities she has deemed important to her satisfaction with a mate. Each of us will have a different set of XYZ that we hope to find, if we are self aware to know what we need. And NO ONE is in a position to tell us that those criteria should be compromised or don't hold merit.
When I used the term The One, I'm referring to a preconceived ideal or image of someone. What you're talking about isn't The One, you're talking about finding a person who you want to stick around with and who wants to stick around with you. You've made assessments, you've weighed the pros and cons and decided there's sufficient compatibility to form a long term relationship.
I had to google "mansplain." A ridiculous term. I invite you to show me one instance of me mansplaining. Assigning gender characteristics to a particular person's set of linguistics is absurd.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,936 posts, read 36,962,945 times
Reputation: 40635
Quote:
Originally Posted by RJ_
I had to google "mansplain." A ridiculous term. I invite you to show me one instance of me mansplaining. Assigning gender characteristics to a particular person's set of linguistics is absurd.
When I used the term The One, I'm referring to a preconceived ideal or image of someone. What you're talking about isn't The One, you're talking about finding a person who you want to stick around with and who wants to stick around with you. You've made assessments, you've weighed the pros and cons and decided there's sufficient compatibility to form a long term relationship.
I had to google "mansplain." A ridiculous term. I invite you to show me one instance of me mansplaining. Assigning gender characteristics to a particular person's set of linguistics is absurd.
This has now become a comedy routine. Congratulations. Please let me know when the Netflix special comes out, I want to make sure I see it.
This has now become a comedy routine. Congratulations. Please let me know when the Netflix special comes out, I want to make sure I see it.
A typical response when one knows they're wrong and has no intelligent rebuttal. But, I'm fairly certain that we've discussed this topic to it's conclusion.
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